why
why
why must i keep waking up
in the 5:00 hour
when i don’t actually need to be getting out of bed
until 7am?
is it the sunlight? is it the stress? is it my body craving more time in the day?
is it the heat? is it the animals? is it my to-do list screaming me awake?
is it dehydration? overhydration? is it the caffeine coursing through my veins?
how much how much how much is my body in charge
vs. the external situation(s)
vs. me
to do
to do
today
today
what to do today of all days
other than to trap yourself in your mind
and climb and climb into the hole of depression
hold that anxiety deep within me
and maybe
maybe
make it out the other side
someday
[that’s on my to-do list
for another day]
maybe it’s not the gamification
of the to-do list
and self-care
maybe it’s masking self-care
as care for a lil’ guy™
and that’s what i need
to take care of my own
self
you know
you’re probably
doing something not quite right
when you
have to
schedule yourself to “maybe just chillax”
in your
to-do list.
sometimes
you need to write the words
“you can do it!”
at the end of your to-do list
both as a thing to cross off
and at the end, just ‘cause
because
you
CAN
do it!
there are things on the to-do list
but when i get the time to do them
i find myself in desperate need of rest —
either to fully pass out
on the couch
asleep as soon as
my eyes close
or
the brain rest of a video game,
and the body rest of heat pack therapy,
and the emotional rest of sitting next to a cat or a puppy —
and i completely forget everything on my
multitudes of lists
[is this just the
maybehd way???]
i want to do
~things~
today
i want to get stuff
accomplished
and check
every single item
off of my to-do lists
and feel like i actually
did a whole day
today
huge list
yesterday
of course i
procrastinated
things
with other things
but i still got plenty of things
done
and yet i still
still
still feel
unaccomplished
as a human being
[when will this feeling end?]
an attempt at a poem-to-do-list:
-i don’t really know what to do
-how to write down what needs to be done
-it’s like in school where there was so much, it just melded into my mind
-and created a kind of static
-of overwhelming
-things
-to do
-to do
-to do
-so i did none of them
-so i did nothing
-and instead relied on television
-and podcasts
-to block out all thoughts
-not because it was inconvenient
-or because i didn’t want to face the reality
-but because it was literally too much
-for one human brain to handle
maybe
i just need food
maybe
i just need water
maybe
i just need a nap
maybe
i just need a break
maybe
i just need to accomplish
all the things i have
on my forever to-do lists
before i can feel
accomplished
in life
and maybe
that’s impossible,
but still i’ll
probably
try
kipventures 