spooky music
soothes my soul
[it really does,
though i may have poem’ed about this before]
and what began
as a
‘too tired’
‘still a little stressed’
‘ugh we have to deal with all these boxes now’
kind of day
has turned into a
‘skeletons are already up’
‘it’s spooky season!’
*bopping head along with music*
*sipping [[seasonal]] iced coffee*
‘look at all these books i get to organize now!’
kind of morning
tired
October 3, 2021
so much
moving/packing/driving/stress
too tired to write
a real poem
so instead
i’ll convey to you
the most beautiful thing i heard today
directly after pulling in to our new home’s driveway
the final trip of the day
from across the street
at a new neighbor’s 6th birthday party:
child (somewhere between 8 and 10)
singing (while sprinting down a long driveway):
I BELIEVE I CAN FLY!!! I BE-
(the sound “oof” is heard)
(pause)
child (yelling reassuringly): I’M FINE!
(pause)
(pause)
(pause)
child (running back up the driveway toward the party)
(not quite as loud or exuberant as previously):
I believe I can fly!
August 10, 2021
with Louka
all ‘old dog’ ill
we’ve been sleeping on the couch(es) downstairs
to make sure she’s alright
through the night,
and also to be close by
to sense
if she might need
to go outside at 12, 1, 2, 3 in the morning
(which has happens more times than we’d like)
and i feel like our low-key exhaustion,
the whole not actually sleeping through the entire night,
the aches and pains from couch-sleeping,
this whole ordeal
is mimic-ing
infant child-care
not to the point where i believe it 100% is exactly the same,
but to the point where, in the past, i’ve listened to stories
of tired parents
discuss how they’re just always tired,
it’s a fact of life that they never sleep through the night,
and i’ve thought to myself, “i don’t know if i could do that…
i’ve suffered from such insomnia in the past
my sleep is sacred now,
and on the off-chance i’m actually in a bout of semi-good sleep,
to have the cause of an un-restful night be not my own brain,
i’m unsure if i could stop myself from being resentful,
and i know i’m my best when i get 7-8 hours of sleep,
or a night or two of less than four,
but these parents are talking about a near year of 3-5 hour nights
and i just don’t think
i can.”
but this experience,
this mimic-ing,
it’s taught me
that when one is the caretaker
of a being they love without conditions
lack of sleep isn’t really that big of a deal,
and (similar to how i survived high school)
there’s a certain point where exhaustion
just becomes your daily natural state
and you just
kind of
deal.
August 8, 2021
finding the perfect music station
is an art
(one i’m not nearly as familiar with
as my spouse)
and so when i’m doing my morning pages/poems
without them
(because sleep is a necessity)
and have to find some morning tunes
on my own
i never land on
what i initially think i’ll land on…
at least there’s coffee.
~~~
so hungry
but i’m not used to eating while writing
i eat and suddenly i want
passive entertainment
it seems this old dog needs to learn a couple new tricks
~~~
if i leave
and come back
will i keep the thread of morning poetry?
~~~
fed,
caffeinated,
[not yet watered],
and i feel so much better able to
really get into these here morning page poems
is this what i *should* be doing each morning?
instead of simply sipping coffee
and waiting until after i write to eat my breakfast?
or is this simply a daily thing
that changes around
and adjusts
as my own outlook
and mood
and level of tiredness
adjusts
day
by
day
by
day
?
~~~
i mean, if i’m going to be writing a million small poems
(and by a million, let’s be honest and say probably six)
might as well just
truly
go for it.
~~~
the nerves are starting to settle in
about class later on today
(this is why i enjoyed having a circus class prior to acting class
yes, i never got to nap,
but i also never spent half the day worrying about/obsessing over my performance)
i like how our teacher sets up the class
you perform, and then she asks what goals you had for that particular scene or monologue
and this week i’m simply hoping to continue the work
that suddenly broke free two weeks ago.
i want to breathe into the monologue,
i want to be in the moment,
and i want to use my own self-loathing
to create art
instead of beating myself down all the time.
and yes, the ultimate goal is health
and possibly, someday, not constantly feeling like the most worthless hunk of flesh on the planet,
but while that’s what it’s like in my brain,
might as well be honest
and use it to connect with this character i’ve been [not so secretly] wanting to play for ages,
and maybe if i can connect while i’m in the throes of
not-so-great mental health
maybe that means i can find my way in
when i am in a healthier mental state
remember the physical sensations
without being too harsh…
maybe?
but today isn’t about how to get there down the road
that’s not the goal today;
it’s to be in the present
to breathe into the moment
to know that i have all this inside me
and relax
and trust
and simply let myself shine through.
July 20, 2021
am i so tired now
because my teen days
were 21 hours of manic waking
followed by three night-hours of insomnia?
[or is this still the insomnia,
just a whole new flavor?]
July 3, 2021
connect
with
your words
yourself
your past
your present
(maybe even your future)
all you have to do is
connect
with
your words.
~~~
every evening i go to bed
expecting to wake up
and be hit
struck
stampeded
by inspiration,
and every morning i wake up
and i’m still
simply
tired.
~~~
(is it time yet?
time to contemplate what makes folks ‘like’ the poetry i post?
is it time to admit that, maybe i’m not writing for an audience,
but i’ve probably started posting for one.)
June 25, 2021
coffee beats
caffeine beats
coffee beans
coffee club
caffeine caffeine
(will there ever be a time
that covfefe might be an adorable memory from the past
instead of the trigger
it is now?)
(doubtful)
~~~
my head is pounding
from my sinuses
to…the rest of my body
(all from my sinuses)
(my sinuses are fully to blame)
and i’m blaming my sinuses
also
for not feeling
quite
fully
awake.
~~~
are these half-asleep
ramblings
the things
i really want in my poetry blog?
(when haven’t they been?)
June 14, 2021
even more tired
this morning
than yesterday.
when’s the last time we stayed up
till past 2am?
i literally cannot remember.
we are the early-risers,
the morning people,
the dawn folk,
and yet
i come from the theater,
my job, my career, all my peers
are night owls
and as long as there are wide spaces between,
or at least an opportunity to nap
the following day,
it’s invigorating to feed off their energy
(and their Old Bay fries.)
May 15, 2021
my brain is falling asleep in a way
that it wasn’t last night.
the tossing and turning and turning and tossing
like being rocked by a stormy sea
did nothing to lull me (in)to unconsciousness
the wind and stress i felt from my kip beside me
did not diminish my sleepiness
but it did make the actual
falling,
sleep catching,
(falling into sleep’s waiting arms)
not truly take.
but now my mind feels like it could be lulled
(fairly easily, in fact)
into unconsciousness
and i wonder;
is it worth it?
May 10, 2021
a different kind of sleepy this morning
a cocoon of warmth
of ‘i actually slept last night
nearly through the night
when’s the last time i had a good
night’s
sleep?’
but the sleepiness that comes from that
actual
restful
sleep
is quite different than the usual
just
tired.
(sorry i got bored of this poem like immediately,
i guess that’s part of writing every day,
right?)
kipventures 