May 20, 2023

how can i remember
remembering
but can no longer remember
the actual thing?

~~~

it hurts my soul
to see our puppy so
sad and distressed
standing still in a cage

but it’s for her own good
and i wish
i wish
i could
explain to her in words
she’d comprehend:

‘just a few more days
and after, take it easy
and then, hopefully,
no more
puppy
prison’

~~~

how do people
craft poetry
instead of just letting
their guts fly free
internal thought process
and emotionality
all nakedly out
for any perusing
reading
eye to see?

May 12, 2023

sitting here
thinking of neurodivergence
thinking of
anxiety and depression
thinking of
acting from such a young age
thinking of
diagnoses and non
thinking of
societal standards
thinking of
pressure and constructs
thinking of
freedom from expectations and all that

~~~

experiment
think of words not often written
ponder places and things alike
you rarely ever write about
and maybe
just maybe
your poetry can have fresh(er)
life

~~~

to write about what i’m feeling:
a little bit of pain
a lot of hunger
love for my dog and for my kip
(and begrudging love for our
hassle cat)
the cold of the ice pack
the water flowing from esophagus
to stomach
and on
the tap of my elevated leg
toe against air
to the tempo of the music
yawns
tiredness
worry about armpit stinkiness
this whisker poking out from my chin
and an extreme itchiness on my scalp, under my braid
my teeth clenched together
(relax, relax, relax)
the taste of this blueberry coffee
and a little bit more centered
than when i started this poem

May 1, 2023

lost
in a book
in music with words
in my own head’s thoughts
of solid phrases and anti-self-care behaviors
and i can’t think of how to
just get
out

~~~

thinking
about writing more
songs
poems to music
phrases that match up
with a tune and orchestration
and wanting to
maybe
perform it all
at some point
[soon?]

~~~

what happens
when you start thinking
in poetry
and try to bring others
along for the
ride

can you teach them how
or is it still just
such
a vibe?

April 20, 2023

planning and preparing
are nothing when it comes to
insurance
human fallibility
and the twists of the fates

~~~

i use squiggles
[tildes]
to break the momentum
from one poem
to the next

but only in a batch of three
because formatting in devices these days
is far too variable
for a whole line

so i rely on my
three
little
squiggles
to [hopefully] signify
to both reader and writer
that this poem is over–
re-ready yourself
for a whole new
poem
beginning.

~~~

lost in the depths of a book
so visceral
so immersive
so taking-me-along-for-the-ride
i can’t decide
if this one is more stressful than the first
but all of these ninths
give me some sort of curse
of caring
and staring
long distances as i listen to them
audiobooks carrying me through the star-system
the big house
the river
and i just want to know
what happens next
what happens next
what happens next???

April 14, 2023

what
does it all mean
why
does it all happen
and when
will it all come to blows

~~~

a little existential
but also
maybe necessary
(but also also
maybe not?)

~~~

waiting on bagels
almost here
so excited
we haven’t had them
in so so so damn long
(four
whole
days)

they’ve arrived!

March 23, 2023

oh no
i
gotta wake up
better
today has been
full of blunders
and it’s not even 8:30
yet

~~~

today’s date
3/23/23
32323
i know it’s human-made
and kind of slap-dash at that
but it still pleases my
little crow brain
to see the numbers
all aligned and repeated and palindromed and all that

~~~

my stomach is churning
and my heart is racing
and i have no signals to say
if it’s anxiety or physicality
or some weird mixture of the two in me
but either way
i’m just a little
uncomfortable
today

March 9, 2023

little puppies
just getting the all clear
to walk and run and jump and play
on all four legs
and here comes
a lump
a possible tumor
and why is this perfect puppy
not showing perfection
in her vet visits???

~~~

catching up
with poetry
feels like
catching up
with feelings
with emotions
with processing things
i have a hard time
processing

i suppose
that’s
a good thing

~~~

i starting thinking
in poetry
about a year ago

but today i started
dreaming in poetry
for the first time

(does it [all] mean anything?)

February 12, 2023

a puppy
eating ice cream
and then the whole container

what a treat

~~~

sometimes i worry
that i’m wasting my writing talents
on publishing in a blog

but then i am reminded
of folks who may have thought
i wasted my acting talents
on community theatre

and who is wasting
and who is benefiting
in either of those situations?

is it simply
elitist?
classist?
or simply the whole vibe of white supremacist culture
to give some places
more standing
than others?

i suppose what i’m saying is
tho i wish more folks would read my words
and i saw more accolades and admissions of quality
(moreso for my own validation/vindication/curiosity)
i’ll continue to place it
here
for anyone to come across it
who may want or need it
(including me)

~~~

late night writing
(ok
again
not really that late)
toasty fireplace
cozy tea
coffee ready to be placed in the fridge
for tomorrow morning
when i’ll write all over again

February 2, 2023

i am in a mood where
sitting still by a blank document
one arm on the table/laptop/keyboard
one in my lap
no movement
just thought
is far more comforting
(and possibly productive)
than churning out poem after poem

~~~

and yet i will write
because that is what i do
and that seems to be my calling
(at least as of late)
and sometimes one needs to have a moment of stillness
before capturing that stillness in art
(if we just try to capture it without fully feeling it
that art is meaningless
wouldn’t you agree?)

~~~

the droopy eyelids
hover over my eyes
laden with sleep
and a few days of tech week
and i am contemplating writing
contemplating huddling back under the sheets
contemplating at least a few moments of peace
before the craziness of today begins

January 30, 2023

when i write
i write at a table
but i don’t use the table
(except to hold my morning coffee)
i slide down in my chair
and lift my legs to the other across
and lay my laptop across my lap
cross one foot over the other
and write until my legs or butt falls asleep
or until my terrible posture hurts my back
or until my arms start to get sore
from low-key holding my laptop on my criss-crossed lap
and somehow this works for me
though i can’t help but imagine
a me
where i sit properly
feet fully reaching the floor
posture great
writing without pain sneaking its way in
and wonder if
i’d write
better
longer
if i sat like
a regular person

~~~

the cat gallops upstairs
chasing invisible ghosts
and singing the song of her kin
and at least she can amuse herself like this
for hours on end
while we break our evening’s fast with coffee and poetry and song
the cat’s harmony never quite fitting with whatever we play
but that’s why we love it (and her) so

~~~

i would like to write a letter to my grandmama some time today
because she constantly writes me lovely greetings
‘how are you’s’ and ‘here’s been my day’
and i love them so much.
and i’ve told her,
but i know the reciprocal is just as loved as the appreciation
and she literally said she wonders how we’re doing
so i suppose that’s what is on my agenda
(other than circus)
today