May 5, 2024

my head is all over the place
which can make for interesting poetry
when i cannot follow one subject all the way through
but fifteen different thoughts have already sped through
my racing brain
but the sleep is also tugging
and i have no way of judging
which direction to go
or how much to write
or let go
or just let it be
as it is
in this mess that it is in

~~~

if i actually followed the stream of consciousness/
the different trains that blast off from
the one station of *my brain*
i still don’t think i’d have words for most thoughts —
‘high speed’ ‘ugh, typing’ ‘that beat’ ‘coffee’ ‘food’ ‘puppies’
none of those words tell a story
in the way i’d want my poetry to express —
how i called it a stream, but i feel like my thoughts are trains
holding all the context for each word within each car
but they blast off like high-speed rail, something i’d love to have in this
fucking country, and sometimes i’m on the train itself, but sometimes i’m left at the station
waiting for all the thoughts to come back to me, eventually
[hopefully whole, with some new passengers/context aboard]

~~~

i feel like the more i write
the worse my poetry ends up
and i don’t know what to do
or how to think
about that.

January 7, 2024

math jazz
leaves your mind
expecting
exactly
what it
isn’t

~~~

i’ve written so much
of
nothing this morning
and
i can’t seem to stop
nor
do i feel satisfied with anything i’ve done
so
i guess i’ll keep writing and writing and writing
until
i feel some sort of closer closure, somewhere.

~~~

do i not want to review my older works because i think they’ll be worse,
or do i not want to delve deep because i know myself and my tendency
to get all wrapped up, bundled in the blanket of the past, wondering
what if what if what if, until i find myself unable to experience the
presence of the
present
moment
?

December 24, 2023

making new
traditions
making old traditions
happier
making things work
in this snow-less escape
that is our regular every day life
in new york city

~~~

down the coffee
slip off to the holiday market
grab cider/
wine/
juice/
anything
to make a mulled wine
happen
and also some stickers
and also some goofy goofs
and also
some
potential
presents
for a new
present moment

~~~

silly,
i
already
know

December 19, 2023

i want something new
something more
than what i have now
or what i had before

but i don’t know in what way

i just know there’s no way
i can do this day-to-day
without at least a teensy bit of
variety

~~~

man, my writing is just
not slapping like it
usually does
this morning

we all have off days
in every aspect of our lives
but why can’t i just decide
when my off days will collide with me?

[that wouldn’t bring nearly as much
self-education as i need…]

~~~

or is it not an off day
for the talent itself?
is it
instead
a perception problem?
is everything i read today
going to suffer from the
stale breadcrumbs of
‘this all sounds exactly the same’?
and
‘nothing brings me joy like it once did’?
and the other melodies of deep dark december
?

December 13, 2023

i’m not ready
for the slew of wrap-ups
the posts and the culminations
the retrospectives of what this year has been
to so many many people…
it all just seems so false
so farcical
so individually selfish to
look back a year of billions of people
and only think about you
your loss
your gain
your sorrow
your joy

i want perspective
[which i’m sure some will find]
[maybe even most of the folks whose stuff
i’m likely to see]

[or maybe
i’m being unkind
maybe
i need to take a second to rewind —
we all only know what we individually think
and it is the masses of individuals
that make the community we seek;
so why not look back
and share
with those we think of as
our people
our comrades
our neighbors and our folks?]

[still, i can’t help but think
about how shitty a year this has been
and how much and how little has happened
and how, in the grand scheme of things,
even with my utter sorrow and grief,
i still have it better than so so so so so many people
and i can’t stop thinking
about genocide
of people
of the earth
and feel so damn
helpless
hopeless
over here]

~~~

at least there is a little puppy
playing with her little chew-toy
of a collection of mushrooms on a log
and, wait, she is having too much fun,
i check behind me, and she has instead a rainbow sweater in her jaws

i tell her to stop

she immediately drops
and looks at me
with her adorable puppy-dog eyes
and wags her tail
because — though i said no and was stern — i’m paying attention to her now
and that’s all she really wants
attention
love
and care
and i can give her those things
no problem, no problem there.

~~~

only two poems
and already over the word-goal

it’s almost like i really had some things to say
today

October 19, 2023

i definitely feel like my concentration is a bit
gone
these days

don’t know if i’ll get it back

don’t know if i want it back

but i suppose
this is how
human-ness goes

~~~

how many times must i
write ‘how many times must i’
until it captures this tiredness
from life
and structure
and stricture
and strife
enough that i can leave
that openng phrase
behind?

~~~

don’t know if that poem is
exactly what i was trying to say
but hey —
i said it.

September 15, 2023

just some
morning pages
morning poetry
to get the day going
into the wild
into the craziness
into the sad sad adventure
that is today

~~~

seeing
the babies
step up
to be adults
is great
is great
is great
to see

~~~

green left
maroon right
blue body
and yellow hood
a sweatshirt
for all
for everyone
to be
cozy cozy
autumn

~~~

i can’t really concentrate
today
and that’s okay
that’s okay

~~~

who knows
how much
is leaving my brain
and staying
in any one given moment

~~~

teeny tiny poems
for a big big day

wild

September 11, 2023

how lost
am i
that i don’t
feel things
except panic

~~~

stressing
less
than i probably should be
given
circumstances
but more
than i probably would be
without
anxiety

(are they related?)

(probably)

~~~

maybe
some day
i’ll finish a
whole big-ass poem

(but probably not today)

September 8, 2023

who else
has gotten
this far in life
just to
question
everything?

~~~

probably
a lot of people
actually

amiright

~~~

books
bringing
creativity

tv shows
about
gaming

where is the fantasy
in my own
life?

where can i
create
and write
and adventure?

where can i
do all the things
buzzing about
in my little
MaybeHD
brain?

July 28, 2023

gold painted roses
and bunches of baby’s breath
sparkle as they die

~~~

are haikus still a
Japanese art form when the
US does it wrong?

~~~

crow phone cases for
both the spouse and myself; match
and we become one