three poem day

March 14, 2025

/ HJ / Leave a comment

so much happened yesterday
and i
didn’t even poem about it
[yet]

~~~

{trigger warning: suicidal ideation, mention of eating disorders}

my overanalytic brain
that runs through every possibility
that made a whole “pro & con” list
on which eating disorder
to give myself
is probably the same thing
that has saved me
from actually killing myself
every time i’ve gotten close
in these
ideations

~~~

distracted
and distractable
and not what i wanted
from my day at home
preparing to do things
i should be doing
should have done
days
weeks
months
ago
but am i just going to
nap
again
until it’s time to leave
again?
again?
again?

December 8, 2024

/ HJ / Leave a comment

i think
my “problem”
is that i have big picture
thinking
with tiny detail
brain
and that just makes everything
overwhelming
all the time

~~~

like
i can see the whole planet
and each conflict
and how the systems lead to suffering
and how it
literally
doesn’t
need
to be
this way
but instead of just thinking about the systems
i then ‘zoom in’ and see
each country
each family
each child
each breath of the earth
suffering
suffering
suffering
and i am stuck
because i don’t want to look away
for fear i’ve cheapened
their individual
suffering
and story
but it’s hard to hold
hundreds
thousands
millions
billions
of people’s individual narratives
in a brain trained to only concentrate on one’s own
so i panic
and breathe hard
and fast
and when the feeling has finally passed
there’s the guilt
there’s the guilt
and i know it’s all going to happen
again and again and again

~~~

so how in this world do i utilize
my big picture imagination and individual compassion
without falling into
obsession?
without falling into the chain reaction of
‘i’ve decided to help one thing/cause/person —
‘but wait, this other person has it worse/’
‘but wait, this other cause is more just/’
‘but wait, this other thing runs so much deeper
and has its tendrils in so many of the other
horrors of this world…’

how do i stop my decision paralysis
when it comes to helping
human decency?

[i honestly don’t know

do you?]

October 4, 2024

/ HJ / Leave a comment

meander into my life
and i’ll appreciate you forever/
meander out and i’ll still
talk about you
lovingly
from time to time to time/
force your way in, and i’ll find space
in my heart
for everything you have to say
and everything you represent/
but force your way out
and i’ll never ever ever ever
ever ever forgive you

~~~

the trauma and angst is heavy this morning
and yet it feels brighter
and happier
than mornings have been
lately

~~~

capture the light of life
in poetry
and maybe
life will capture you
and kiss you
and place you back
gently
into the light

September 19, 2024

/ HJ / Leave a comment

if only
i wanted things
and then let myself take steps
towards them

~~~

ok
so what about wanting small things
and letting myself lead up to them
and taking those steps
all for me

all for me?

~~~

these morning pages are a bit of a mess
and i’m a bit of a mess
and i’m stressing and stressing
but maybe someday i’ll know what i’m trying to say

September 11, 2024

/ HJ / Leave a comment

blanket cat
blankets me with all of her
over my lap
dripping down my leg
covering all she can cover
in one tiny cat body
the opposite of loafing
she liquifies and spreads out
and blankets herself
over
me

~~~

blanket cat, also because
the minute you have a blanket on your lap
she cannot resist
the draw
of a comfy place to sit

~~~

poor little puppy ear
did nothing to the dog who was near
but something happened
and the bite landed
and now a little notch is part of our Comps’s visage

poor little puppy ear
poor little puppy
you don’t deserve this pain
or fear
or anything bad
but at least your cute scruffy ear is going to look
so adorable with a tiny notch on the side

[the one piece of solace
we have to hang on to]

July 6, 2024

/ HJ / Leave a comment

Three Musings on Summer Thunderstorms:

the sky darkens to post-sunset dusky grey
and a lightning bolt passes by my window
the rumble of thunder
the stream of rain
and this summer storm is at it again

[i love this weather]

~~~

thunderstorms make me smile
interrupting the daily toil
of sunrise and shine and set and night
darkening a summer morning
or lightning-flash-brightening
midnight pitch black,
sounds escaping our atmosphere —
booms and cracks and the smacks of hard raindrops
cleansing the air
feeding the ground
offering greener hues when the showers subside
and summertime just isn’t summer
without

~~~

drench me in rain
fill my ears with thunderclaps
and my eyes with bright bolts of lightning

let me taste a summer storm
and offer my nose the delightful scent
of petrichor

as the pressure changes
and my heart grows
and i know
i’m present and whole.

June 17, 2024

/ HJ / Leave a comment

stress
and apprehension
and it not feeling like
an actual opening
and the stories we tell ourselves
about ourselves
when i tell myself these stories
it’s to try to solidify
who i am
because i have no idea
i have no plan

~~~

does one good line
make a poem?

is this my style/my curse?

~~~

my poems are making little to no sense to me
this morning
but i’m still writing them
i’m still dilligently typing
words and phrases as they come
hoping to find some meaning
some
time
soon

May 18, 2024

/ HJ / Leave a comment

i still feel like i’m trapped in my house
not allowed to go out
not suitable for other human’s consumption
and i want to need to wait
a bit
longer to be permitted to rejoin the human race

~~~

unknown what to write
what to even think about
when my morning has been going
a certain way for a week, and now goes
a completely
different route

[i hate that i need consistency]

~~~

puppeteering
and back to singing
and in a show again
and pride-month dancing
and still i have no idea
if i even want to be perceived
in front of an audience
at this stage in my life
or not

May 5, 2024

/ HJ / Leave a comment

my head is all over the place
which can make for interesting poetry
when i cannot follow one subject all the way through
but fifteen different thoughts have already sped through
my racing brain
but the sleep is also tugging
and i have no way of judging
which direction to go
or how much to write
or let go
or just let it be
as it is
in this mess that it is in

~~~

if i actually followed the stream of consciousness/
the different trains that blast off from
the one station of *my brain*
i still don’t think i’d have words for most thoughts —
‘high speed’ ‘ugh, typing’ ‘that beat’ ‘coffee’ ‘food’ ‘puppies’
none of those words tell a story
in the way i’d want my poetry to express —
how i called it a stream, but i feel like my thoughts are trains
holding all the context for each word within each car
but they blast off like high-speed rail, something i’d love to have in this
fucking country, and sometimes i’m on the train itself, but sometimes i’m left at the station
waiting for all the thoughts to come back to me, eventually
[hopefully whole, with some new passengers/context aboard]

~~~

i feel like the more i write
the worse my poetry ends up
and i don’t know what to do
or how to think
about that.

January 7, 2024

/ HJ / Leave a comment

math jazz
leaves your mind
expecting
exactly
what it
isn’t

~~~

i’ve written so much
of
nothing this morning
and
i can’t seem to stop
nor
do i feel satisfied with anything i’ve done
so
i guess i’ll keep writing and writing and writing
until
i feel some sort of closer closure, somewhere.

~~~

do i not want to review my older works because i think they’ll be worse,
or do i not want to delve deep because i know myself and my tendency
to get all wrapped up, bundled in the blanket of the past, wondering
what if what if what if, until i find myself unable to experience the
presence of the
present
moment
?