i can remember
being seven-years-old
and having such a hard time
swallowing one big multi-vitamin
while on our trip to florida
(so i wouldn’t get stick or anemic or something of the sort)

i have a visceral memory
of knowing it was good for me
but having the pill get caught in my throat
and no amount of water could ease the discomfort
that continued on down my chest
for nearly an hour afterwards

i probably cried
(i did a lot at that time)
and every day that pill seemed bigger
and the water less helpful
and i struggled and struggled and struggled.

today, i can easily take
one multivitamin,
five spiro pills,
a zyrtec,
a wellbutrin,
and a couple of other things, if needed
in one swallow and gulp of water
and nearly every time it easily goes down
i ponder what was wrong with me
at age seven
to not be able to take
one simple
pill
alone.

but this story seems to be lacking
an awareness of where i was at the time
both physically
and practice-wise:
not only was i starting from zero experience
of how to swallow anything whole,
i also had the average-sized throat
of an average-sized seven-year-old,
and i cannot go on
judging my yesteryear self
based on today’s standards…

but i know that’s what i’m doing
when i judge my past self
for putting on these coping mechanisms
that have grown with me as i’ve aged
and, more often than not, gotten in my way
but i was working with very little knowledge,
less stable hormonal levels,
and no real parental [or societal] guidance

and i also know
that i shouldn’t judge my today self
for where i may be in future healing—-
i still have to dig through the muck
and learn and grow
in order to get where i think i’ll go

so i guess what i’m saying
(to my own self and to you
if you need to hear this today, too)
is that ‘be kind to yourself’ is not just some
lily-livered
social justice
pansy-assed
liberal
sweet talk
in order to have more compassion
for yourself as part of the human race,
it is also
simple
factual
that you cannot judge yourself
based
on what you don’t yet know
or
how you haven’t yet grown

and i hope that helps
both of us.