therapy

January 18, 2026

/ HJ / Leave a comment

i want to hypnotize myself
into actually trying
full out
when i want something

rather than shooting myself in the foot/
ripping the rug right out from under me/
doing other things to ruin my chances

because…why?

because i somehow still believe i don’t deserve good things?

because i’m scared to committing to one thing
and believe that means i’m cutting off options
for any other possibility in my potential life?

because i am still not convinced that all of this is really real?

those are all terrible reasons

and i still can’t convince myself
with my conscious/logic brain
to make my subconsciousness
stop destroying all my chances

[that’s why i need so many
non-pressurized hobbies —
because the minute they matter
i
implode
]

June 20, 2025

/ HJ / Leave a comment

uncertainty
in what to write
in what to do
at any given moment
day
or night

the uncertainty
is what freezes me

not potential good
or bad outcomes
but all the options
showing themselves to me
beat
by beat
by beat
until
the overwhelm becomes too much
that inaction is the safest path to take

[but it actually
never really
is]

January 30, 2025

/ HJ / Leave a comment

video game music
and pondering strange dreams
and trying to hold the countdown
to the hour after next
still
so i can have some more chill morning time
with my kip before they need to leave
again [this time into the city]
and i need to go upstairs
and talk about my
~feelings~

[ugh]

December 6, 2023

/ HJ / Leave a comment

writing and composing
and creating in my mind,
but the connection to getting things
out into the world
is a broken synapse/
a mis-connected wire/
something that somehow doesn’t work
the way i think it should
[the way it does work for so many]
and i feel
closer to fixing it/
finding the connection/
actually getting my feelings
out
than i have ever felt in my life

[crazy what one honest therapy session can do]

May 25, 2023

/ HJ / Leave a comment

mushrooms
and tree leaves
and images only i can see
my head fills to the brim with
delights
and devestation
and it’s no wonder
the bright devouring
of death
of fungi
are what i connect with
best

~~~

my therapist often rephrases links
of two seemingly disparate ideas
from “but”
to “and”

and

it has helped me in my own journey
to temper my black and white thinking
and see the world for the shades of grey
it truly is

~~~

queer icons
rainbow capitalism
greedy estates
but accessible designs and an un-kept gate

fuck

everything really is a shade of grey

September 2, 2022

/ HJ / Leave a comment

i knew
i know
it’s the beginning of the month
i knew
i know
it’s the second
(because it’s our dog’s 8-month birthday!)
and my brain put these two knowledges together
and wrote at the top of this page
‘august 2’
like we’ll just cycle through
august
continually

and when i told Kip this story
and insinuated
‘forever august’
we both said
‘no thank you!’

~~~

do you ever read a book
and can feel your mind expanding
your brain re-forming
its old opinions
and ways of thinking
into distinctly new ones?

i’m now on my second of two such books
within a month and a half time-frame
and while i will admit
to it
being quite exhausting
it is also invigorating
enlightening
(obviously)
and exciting

and i feel kind of bad
for people who never experience such
fast
observable
growth
of self

~~~

have i been able
to feel stable
to feel calm and at one with the universe
this past week
though i’ve missed
at least half
of morning poetry
because of the book i’m reading
and its meditative quality?

or is my default
when stress arises
simply to externalize calm
for others around me
but recently
that calm has infected the inside as well?

or am i simply able to
deal with stressors more easily
because of healthier coping mechanisms
and weekly chats with a good therapist
and daily low-doses
of a pill
that works?

or maybe all three?

August 23, 2022

/ HJ / Leave a comment

if i were to write
a letter/poem/something to my younger self
would it be
simply
“you don’t need
to protect
your whole sex/gender/age group”?
“you don’t need
to stick up for
all cats
everywhere”?
“you don’t need to
put the entire world’s burdens
on your tiny shoulders”?
and is that still
what i need to tell myself
today?

July 14, 2022

/ HJ / Leave a comment

oh no
the feels
where are they coming from?

my therapy was great
giving myself permission
to feel as others in my industry feel

but i guess i didn’t expect it to happen
the very next day
so what do i do?

—feel the feelings—
—breathe through it—
—don’t expect an ending—
—don’t expect anything—
—just feel—
—cry if you need to—
—feel—
—your—
—feelings—

(you are allowed)
(i am allowed)
(i am allowed)

May 16, 2022

/ HJ / Leave a comment

here’s the thing:
i’ve been stuck for weeks,
more than a month,
and i cannot tell
if it’s depression rearing its ugly head,
or exhaustion with the state of things in the world,
or a normal human reaction to the sadnesses that have befallen
me/us
as of late

i can’t tell if my disinterest
in my chosen profession
is an actual drifting away,
or a lack of momentum needed
for this particular drive,
or that damn depression once more

and, like i used to beg and plea
for the universe to send me
some sort of sign that
the choices i was making
were ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ for my life,
i wish to all goodness that
i could simply know
which it was

(but here’s the other thing:
i bet it’s a bit
of everything,
and that nothing
is as black and white as i see it,
and there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ in my life,
because my choices are mine
and my own to deal with,
so every decision splits a universe apart from mine
but is there one
where i’m
happy?
all/
or at least most/
of the time???)