it’s so astounding how beneficial
the spring is to my
general
mood
i have literally been
hopeless
and helpless
for months
and then it warms up once
and i see a couple of green buds
on a couple of tree branches
and the sunlight hits
more and more of my day
and i say
“i can do this!”
it feels almost like spring
the wind is threatening
to blow all of winter away
to rid the skies of all grey
like we all get a fresh start
after
today
it is spring
officially
but what does that mean
for me
and my freezebaby tendencies?
after a winter
of our spring plants
threatening to take the mild weather
seriously
(and our fear that early blooming
would mean forever death)
the mid-march mild
(for real this time)
is bringing full blossoms
to our eyes
(and noses)
and i feel like
once again i can
breathe
(calm
and
deep)
today is the daylight
when winter first feels like spring
when the solemn bleak nights
wait one more hour
and our mornings
are still fairly filled
with sunlight
(if you get up early enough
but not too early)
today is the daylight
when i start to be able to feel
like i can breathe again
like i can feel again
after months of frozen freezing
over and over and over again
i’m thawing
with the sunlight
because today
is the daylight.
it’s gonna
be
May
the millennials shout
and cheer
for one of the few moments
of the year
the dopamine is high
when we think about time
passing.
last night the ice cream truck
drove down our street again
creeping along at a snail’s pace
at dusk
and it struck me
how easily
fun and bright childhood joys
can turn to nightmare fuel
with one or two
subtle
adjustments,
and i just
wanted to remember
getting ice cream from the truck
every
single
visit to Grandmama’s
but instead my mind went to
scary places
(and also to mundanity,
which in itself
is a nightmare all it’s own)
and why
must overthinking
do all this?
but it’s okay
because:
it’s
gonna
be
May.
which means less cold weather
(cross your fingers and toes
and arms and legs
because this spring has been
so
damn
cold
since Louka got sick)
and perhaps more thunderstorms
(have ‘April showers bring May/flowers’
always been slightly off,
or are the spring storms actually
moving
towards happening in May
as another subtle/obvious effect
of the changing of our climate now?)
and perhaps a more relaxed and reasonable me
(because of more time outside,
and extended sunlight in the sky,
and potential adventurous trips for us elsewhere
or for faraway friends towards where we reside)
so,
May,
go ahead and happen
because i could use the damn dopamine.
autumn is a time for falling asleep
spring is the awakening
autumn is preparing for the months of winter depression
spring is shedding those sads
autumn is slowing, pondering, thinking, dying
spring is the adrenaline amping up again
so why do i feel so tired and sad and ponderous
while spring is all around me?
~~~
coffee
music
cat on lap
dog on couch
kip across the table
help me enter the day
my way
~~~
i know my headspace isn’t great
if i obsess over things
or
if i shoot from one subject matter
to the next
to the next
with no real resolution
and no thinking through to the end.
so why are my indications
entirely opposing?
is this my black and white thinking coming to some sort of fruition
or is this the source of my non-grey-mind?
New York City
is giving us
a true
spring!
(for the first time
in years)
yes, we were here in
Brooklyn
for two springs in a row,
but you’ve got to admit
the spring of
2020
was a little more surrealistic
than springtime
in terms of
~everything~
and please, Brooklyn, forgive us
for only observing
your brick walls
consistently
and so rarely entering
the park five minutes away
and before that,
Wisconsin,
with its approximate
two days of spring
(slightly more if you count
‘muddy’
as the season)
and half the time
snow would hit
full force
months after
we thought
spring was finally upon us
(and the next day
the blistering heat
of a midwest summer)
but here
in our own yard
we’ve seen the green
pop up from the ground
and even the days were a little snow
sprinkled the earth
the buds didn’t give up
they kept up
popped out
now, not just green,
we have purple, yellow, white,
black bumble bees buzzing
(a veritable enby flag of a backyard)
and we’ve eaten breakfasts,
had coffee,
made calls,
read,
worked,
watched,
on a deck that overlooks it all
and we breathe it in
slowing down
soaking it up
like the sun
A Bronx Spring.
a whole host of
feelings
dreary
hungry
tired
that seem to
disconnect
me from feeling
any other things
[inspired
full-spirited
interest]
~~~
this winter seems to go on forever
except
unlike the Wisconsin winters
i’d been used to,
this one has a very
Cleveland flare:
stopping for a day or two,
letting the flowers in the yard
start to peak from the ground,
green stems pointing towards the sky,
before dumping another
few inches
or damn near
a whole foot
of freezing rain/hail/sleet/
pure snow
on us once more
(only to have all that
melt
in a matter of days,
and have the buds
begin
to emulate
full flowers;
colors in the back
side
front yards
before it all turns to white again
just for the green to stick out
over top)
the fight
over what season
March
should be.
~~~
what to write about
in mornings when i feel
the least like myself;
not even more sad
than my usual rainbow demeanor,
just too tired
to be
me
?
it feels
like spring
today
wild flowers
blossoming into
purple patches
on our lawn
it feels
like spring
today
no coat
necessary
for dog-
walking
it feels
like spring
today
yesterday’s rain
melds in
my nose
with other
nyc smells
to create
something
new
it feels
like spring
today
the spouse
planning a
garden
on each
terrace
in the
back
it feels
like spring
today
we all
sat/stood
in the
sunlight
absorbing it
knowing
that although
it feels
like spring
today
tomorrow
could be
a whole
different
story.
kipventures 