July 11, 2025

i understood very little Greek
in Greece
and a fair amount of French
in France
but the Spanish sounds so fast
in Spain
and Portuguese, to my ears, is nearly Russian
in Portugal
i keep just wanting to speak in French
because it’s the only language i’ve been able to even start to grasp
but most folks here understand English fine
[i just don’t actually want to be associated
with that damn country
of mine]

June 2, 2021

language(s),
culture(s),
french has my heart
(le français a mon cœur)
but spanish…
spanish would be smarter
spanish would be more useable
(spanish isn’t really that far from the other languages i’ve studied
so it’s not completely foreign,
though i do find myself speaking it like french,
pronouncing (or not pronouncing) half the words
nasally
throatily)

but why is this another case of
all or nothing
black or white
why do i feel like i have to get
completely
fully
100% fluent
in french
before i can even start to study another language?

(i’ve already traveled to spanish-speaking countries,
even after a few months of [re]studying the language,
and still spent most of my time caught with one word
in a fully thought out spanish sentence
stuck in french.
what is extra study in french
really
going to do?)
(other than getting me stuck
more?
)

May 21 (part 2)

am i too hard on the Spanish?

yes they imperialized
and destroyed
and killed

but there’s less hiding of that past here.

i am used to the good old U S of A
where we pretend we’ve always been here

where we forced the natives of the land
to flat, remote distances
gave them shitty reserves
(and alcoholism)
as gifts for surviving a death march

where white people can pretend we aren’t on stolen land
because we never see the people we stole it from

but there are people throughout Peru
still speaking their language
(and oftentimes Spanish as well)
dressed as their ancestors dressed
living as their ancestors did.

the main attractions for tourism
are the Inca’s clues

i’m wary of European conquerors

because my ancestors either were them
or directly benefitted from them.

is it fair for me
to
blame the Spanish
for
the shame i hold in my heart?

(but they did imperialize
and destroy
and kill…
)