feeling like i just want to fall asleep
and stay asleep
at any given moment
of any given day
and is it depression?
is it the exhaustion of an
active allergic reaction?
am i just a little bit less
energetic
than the average
person?
could it be something i’m not even thinking of
yet?
or do i just want to spend my days lost in my own imagination land?
[and
could i bring that imagination
into my own waking
writing
life
sometime?
soon?
please?]
ugh
just
ugghhh
~~~
the eyes itch
and the nose sniffs
and the exhaustion hits
and it may just be allergies
it’s probably just allergies
but it still makes me want to
cry for hours or escape into the night
or simply sleep and sleep and sleep and sleep
~~~
i will say
at least my allergist
seemed just as confused
and almost as frustrated
as i am
when he told me
i’m just a big
question mark
what a crazy day
was today
was this morning;
waking up at 4
to get out the door before 5
to arrive deep into new jersey just after 6
so kip could be in delaware for a meeting by 8-ish
and i could get home
and get a nap
and be mildly ready for a day
at some point
just to have kip leave delaware at noon
be in a car then on a train around 2
and get back to me just before 3
to get home
take the dog out
and crash and burn
because
even with naps
and exercise
and relatively chill commutes,
the change in sleep schedule really really really
took it out of us
and we were dead to the world
by 6:30pm
[but didn’t want to go to bed
for fear of freaking out our bodies’ rhythms
a second evening in a row
so
just go to bed around 9
and be asleep by 10
and maybe the 6:00 alarm
will come in handy
on tomorrow’s saturday
morning
is it just last night’s sleep?
is it something in the air?
is it an allergy?
is it the depression?
or is it the actual date of today
that’s making me feel
this
type
of
way?
evening poems
while william shatner
tells me all the unexplained mysteries
i should care about
but i simply
don’t
~~~
big yawns
and split-up sleep
and hopefully getting
the cat to eat
or take her meds
at least
[almost done with this trip
and i’m so excited to sleep
in my own bed
once again]
~~~
but seeing people has been absolutely lovely —
i wouldn’t exchange that
for anything
[even eight uninterrupted hours]
another night
of waking up at 1/2/3/4 in the morning
to stress
to discomfort
to the panic at the state of the world
and the state of my mind
and this would all be fine
if i could just
fall back
to sleep
like i so recently used to
but apparently i’m back to
high school
college
teenage
early 20’s hj
where i struggle to fall asleep
and i struggle to stay asleep
and every moment i wish i was asleep
i panic about not getting enough sleep
and everything
always feels
so much
worse
in the nighttime
i considered waking kip up
to talk with them
hold them
have them hold me
to see
if having someone right there with me
would be any help at all
and i think, if i had panicked myself any harder
any more
any longer
i might have
but somehow
i finally
fell back
to sleep
how did i survive damn near a decade
like this???
[i was miserable the whole time
that’s how]
[i don’t want to be that miserable
again]
dazed
waking up at 5:45
on purpose
[awake far before that]
when am i going to be able to get
a full night’s sleep
into my body
consistently???
grey skies and
drip drops on window panes and
the perfect day to nap your stress away
and
the perfect evening to be lulled into deep deep sleep
~~~
evening pages
much much later than normal poetry time
[am i just doing this
to say that i did it?]
[isn’t that all life is anyway?]
~~~
i think
three
poems is enough poems
for such a late late night
poem-writing-time
can i sleep
for a week
and regain my ability
to be a person
throughout a day?
it was so hard to fall asleep last night
that i laid in bed
pondering
on the difficulty
until i hadn’t realized i’d drifted off
into some sort of weird
dream/nightmare
reality
and was jarred awake
just to find out
truth
kipventures 