December 21, 2023

it’s that time of year
where the only dopamine is from the bright decorative lights after the sun sets at 4
and that of the morning sun hitting the frost just so
as i shiver in my own home
[no matter what the heat is set to]
and i can’t help but wish for the brighter days/the warmer ways
that summer months send us
and annoy us
and i would much rather be complaining of too much heat
than even a little bit of cold —
my muscles tighten up in winter,
my whole body stops moving smoothly,
and i can’t can’t cannot get happy
no matter what i do

[i can’t even get into
writing poetry in
the morningtime]

[but at least it gets better from here on out, right?]

December 14, 2022

i don’t really know
what i’m writing this morning
i just know
i wish i had
some
dopamine/serotonin/anything
to keep me company
through this season

~~~

is my
not having
an up-to-date phone
just a reminiscence of being
four versions out of date
in my aol/internet service
and therefore
a form of
comfort?

~~~

writing poems
and hearing the rhymes
that didn’t make it in
but somehow
making the poem
fuller
is a weird sort of poet magic

May 5, 2022

even though you’re feeling sad
drink the coffee
do the writing

even though everything feels hopeless
drink the coffee
make the plans

even though you’d rather sleep and sleep and sleep
drink the coffee
do the day

little bursts of serotonin
may or may not add up
into an almost livable amount
of serotonin
for one mind
but at least those little bursts of serotonin
will help
for a second
or two

so

even thought it all seems so pointless
drink the coffee
eat the cookie
write the poem
talk with the spouse
play with the puppy
get out of the house
and fake it till you make it:
life edition.

~~~

yikes.

(the feels that made
that poem)

~~~

wanderlust
wanderhome
wander to me
go right now
i am waiting
arms outstretched
to feel you in them
once again
wanderlust
wanderhome
wander towards
never feeling
so alone.

April 14, 2022

you’d think
the tsunami
of serotonin
(or dopamine)
that floods my brain
when i finally do something
that’s been looming
for so long
would make me realize i should do the things
more
faster
sooner

(but i suppose
the payoff isn’t as strong
if the procrastination isn’t also
that
strong
?)