self-confidence

April 29, 2024

/ HJ / Leave a comment

i often joke that
any chaotic,
multi-tonal,
polysymphonic
music
is what it is like in my head.
but
if i were to be honest with myself
and others
i’d have to say that my head,
when left to its own devices,
probably sounds more like static
with waves of frequencies coming in and out
and sometimes the station it catches
is crazy circus music
with too much going on
to hone in on one melody
or instrument
or vibe,
but sometimes
[most of the time]
my head is just catching
little phrases i heard throughout the day
or music from forever away
or a sentence i say
to make myself smaller
and more likeable
by everyone but myself

[what would even be the phrase
that would make me
love me?]

July 6, 2021

/ HJ / Leave a comment

everything
is flowing
outward
lately

externally expressing
but internally fluctuating
between
i need to get this out
and
no one should ever see this side of me
and yet still
nothing i do is ever good enough for me
(so how could it be good enough for others?)

the problem
with this problem
is i am not in others’ heads.
i can judge my own work based on my own standards,
but judging it based on others’ standards
is basically just guessing at their
likes
and dislikes
and backgrounds
and assessments
and training
and i can’t get an accurate read.
and as much as i’m afraid of other people
i do wish i could be in their heads
at least once
to see what they really think of me
(so my brain can stop obsessing)
(and [maybe] let it all go)

June 11, 2021

/ HJ / Leave a comment

sometimes you have to go back
and re-re-read your older poetry
(yes, the poetry you so recently re-read
in order to post it to the blog)
because you had such a concept[control]
of the language
the alliterations acting as appetizers
on an empty stomach/tongue,
and as you read
(and think “why the fuck can’t i find that
language
this time ‘round?”)
maybe tell yourself
maybe remind yourself
you probably thought that same thing back in early May
late April
and perhaps,
in a month or two or three
(or even a year or two or three)
you’ll look back on this
early
mid
June
and think to yourself
“my goodness,
i was so good at poetry
back then.”

June 6, 2021

/ HJ / Leave a comment

i’ve been posting
diligently
for the last few weeks,
re-reading poems
from the start of this
poem-a-day-venture,
editing where they need it,
mostly surprising myself in my own confidence
and love
of my own words.
and while i haven’t told a lot of people
about this undertaking
quite yet
i’ve told a few
and that’s scary
but at least a little bit
invigorating.
and i’m trying not to write
for the purpose of being read
i’m trying to simply write
for writing’s sake.
but the purpose of this poem
this post
today’s post
is that, as of this day,
the 6th of June,
i’ve finished my backlog of posts
and am actually,
truly
posting on today.
(and i know me,
i know myself,
i know i’ll probably have a few days where i’m not feeling up to posting right away
and i’ll collect a bit of a backlog again,
but at least it won’t be
damn near two month’s worth of work
again)

and yet,
(and yet)
not having that big of a backlog
means i won’t feel this kind of
accomplishment
about this project
again…