May 6, 2025

spectacular
spectacle
and spectacles help us all
see
wonders
in our own
and each others’
eyes

for once
for twice
for as many times
as we might find a rhyme
and/or reason
to climb
and explore
and discover
and become
one
with some sort of
happiness
[if we can
if we can]

~~~

there’s still a bit of
misalignment
when it comes to
my own self
and my poet self

and i cannot tell if that’s because
i don’t perform my own poetry enough
that it becomes as second nature as
acting
or aerial
or simply listening
but my own poetry
i have to remind myself
‘i made this
and it isn’t
half
bad’

~~~

or perhaps it’s because
i’m all self-taught
and i’m just flying by
the seat of my pants
and i can’t totally tell
what works and what’s a fail
except that
some poems flow like water
and some drip like sludge
and every now and then
i find a rhyme that tastes as good as it sounds
but i don’t know how i found any of that
it just happens
through trial and error
every
single
time

like i’m always starting
from one

March 9, 2025

pondering philosophies —
i wonder why i
seem to flounder when it comes to
strong opinions and staunch stances

but that’s just from the inside

if i zoom out, i realize
i do have a very strong morality —
a constant running baseline
that i live my life by:
kindness

and if i zoom out a little further,
i can see how living my life
with so much pressure and hatred towards myself
is in direct opposition to my main focal philosophy…
perhaps
perhaps
perhaps
i need to be kind to myself
in order to feel more like
the myself i would like
to be

July 20, 2023

maybe
the reason i feel
my emotions take over my whole self
or
my brain can convince me of untruths
or
my body doesn’t understand how to body
is not because
they are all fighting for control
but because
they are fighting
for connection

i am in the center
my self is the combination
of heart
and mind
and physical being
and if the three can be
together
as one
maybe i won’t feel so lost
and separated
and not
myself

June 13, 2023

i don’t think
who you are when you’re stressed
is your “real true self”
nor do i believe
that it is somehow
not you at all—
i simply believe
that stressed-out-you
is another form of you,
and each individual person
has so many selves/
contains multitudes/
switches codes/personalities/dependent on the people
and situation
and personal pressures
(external and internal)
and to think that we should be
one consistent type of personality
through every sort of situational anomaly
is not giving humanity
any sort of grace
or depth

February 13, 2023

i wish i had written more as a child
about what it felt like to be
those ages that i was–
it all felt so solid
inevitable
unchangeable
at the time

but now it slips my mind
i try to hold the grains of sand
as tightly as i can
and i have no specificity
just generic hazy memory
like things
vibes
of times
but i want the solid
the thought processes
the emotions (good and bad and in-between)
i want to remember
me

but instead i get this vague reaching
for who i used to be
and who i might
have grown
into

but none of this feels as solid
as writing does
now

so maybe that’s why i write
every day
even if it feels silly
or poorly crafted
or i don’t know what i’ll ever do with it
i need to find a way to look back
and identify myself
from years away

because sometimes i can’t even identify myself today

December 27, 2022

i know the morning
is here for me
to delve into my
psychology
and think through things
as they may or may not be

but right now it feels
more like a chore
more like a bore
score none and no more
the act of writing
of poetizing
less than appetizing
and i can’t help but feel
like a
fraud

~~~

one more poem
one more verse
simply to make me feel
like i didn’t just waste
an entire block of my morn
writing stupid rhyming poetry
for nothing
for naught
for no one but me

(that’s the only person
actually
for whom this
poetry)

~~~

and writing
as me
as my own self
is so odd
because i’ve spent so much of my life
not knowing
(or straight up hiding)
who i truly was
that i’m uncertain
i’d even know
for sure
now

December 16, 2022

i have
so many
so much
works
words
on the page
inside the screen
swimming through my head
it’s a wonder
i haven’t lost
all sense
and sensibility
awareness
and awakeness
sanity
and sanitary
self-hood
selfishness
would be writing
only about me
(oops)
but i guess
it’s better
than not having art
around
everywhere

right?

December 12, 2022

i miss the person i used to be
i hate the person i used to be
i ache for the life i used to lead
i’m scared of going back to that life i once lead
the flashbacks offer heart-stopping anxiety
the flashbacks offer comfort and consistency
why can’t i ever figure out
what i want
for me?