dusty computer screen
don’t fix it
don’t wipe it away
instead enjoy how each speck
catches the sunlight as it streams through the window
a little earlier
and earlier
each morning
[we’re on the upswing now—
it only gets brighter
from here]
dusty computer screen
don’t fix it
don’t wipe it away
instead enjoy how each speck
catches the sunlight as it streams through the window
a little earlier
and earlier
each morning
[we’re on the upswing now—
it only gets brighter
from here]
december is really hitting me like
a ton of bricks
being transformed quickly into feathers
[i still have some bruises, and some pokes,
but all in all it’s the suffocating stuffing that’s
hitting me rather than the pounding of existential pressure, so
at least that’s…
different]
am i,
for the first time in my
entire
entire
life,
looking forward to the
cooler weather
?
as fall approaches
but isn’t quite here
not yet
not yet
the memories of late summers past
invades my mind
sans consent
[do flashbacks ever ask?]
and no matter how stable
and lovely
and mine
my life is today
i keep seeing
loss
upon loss
upon lost trust
upon that feeling of any control in life
fleeting though it may have been
stolen in an instant
and this current administration
certainly doesn’t help this
weird ptsd i’ve found myself in
everything seems to be
culminating in something
and i continue to avoid all emotions and memories
until absolutely
necessary
it’s so astounding how beneficial
the spring is to my
general
mood
i have literally been
hopeless
and helpless
for months
and then it warms up once
and i see a couple of green buds
on a couple of tree branches
and the sunlight hits
more and more of my day
and i say
“i can do this!”
august slips in
unassuming
hot and lazy
and fading summer away
till the end when it startles us
with our first few colder mornings —
the days still heat up
but the air around us breeds
change
that we should have seen coming
autumn is a time for falling asleep
spring is the awakening
autumn is preparing for the months of winter depression
spring is shedding those sads
autumn is slowing, pondering, thinking, dying
spring is the adrenaline amping up again
so why do i feel so tired and sad and ponderous
while spring is all around me?
~~~
coffee
music
cat on lap
dog on couch
kip across the table
help me enter the day
my way
~~~
i know my headspace isn’t great
if i obsess over things
or
if i shoot from one subject matter
to the next
to the next
with no real resolution
and no thinking through to the end.
so why are my indications
entirely opposing?
is this my black and white thinking coming to some sort of fruition
or is this the source of my non-grey-mind?
New York City
is giving us
a true
spring!
(for the first time
in years)
yes, we were here in
Brooklyn
for two springs in a row,
but you’ve got to admit
the spring of
2020
was a little more surrealistic
than springtime
in terms of
~everything~
and please, Brooklyn, forgive us
for only observing
your brick walls
consistently
and so rarely entering
the park five minutes away
and before that,
Wisconsin,
with its approximate
two days of spring
(slightly more if you count
‘muddy’
as the season)
and half the time
snow would hit
full force
months after
we thought
spring was finally upon us
(and the next day
the blistering heat
of a midwest summer)
but here
in our own yard
we’ve seen the green
pop up from the ground
and even the days were a little snow
sprinkled the earth
the buds didn’t give up
they kept up
popped out
now, not just green,
we have purple, yellow, white,
black bumble bees buzzing
(a veritable enby flag of a backyard)
and we’ve eaten breakfasts,
had coffee,
made calls,
read,
worked,
watched,
on a deck that overlooks it all
and we breathe it in
slowing down
soaking it up
like the sun
A Bronx Spring.