rest

May 28, 2023

/ HJ / Leave a comment

the same imagination
that skews to
worst-case scenarios
and all the dire ways
we could all be fucked
in this society of ours

is the same one that shows me
there’s more to life than just
consumption
and
competition,
that encourages me to find
better solutions to terrible problems,
that proves to me
there are better
more equitable
more humane
societies
than this…

every coin
has two sides
this sword
has both edges
black must stand out amongst white
and we all know yin
and yang
aren’t balanced
if they’re not
together

[but sometimes i wish
this imagination would just
let me rest]

May 11, 2023

/ HJ / Leave a comment

got myself
a bum ankle
but i’m not able
to actually rest enough
to better myself
in terms of healing
and caring
into full health

~~~

is anyone
actually good
at their own
rest???

~~~

the weather says it’ll be
hot hot hot
later today
but at this moment
with stillness and icing ankle
and inside and overnight lows
i’m closer to chilly than overheated
and much closer to shivering
than sweating

so how does the weather change fast enough
to fit all it fits
in one day?

March 6, 2023

/ HJ / Leave a comment

the problem with leaving
with vacationing
with taking a [much needed] break
is that your whole world
continues on
without you

i want a break
where i can rest up
relax
absolve my mind of all the thinking it does
calm my brain/body/soul until it’s reset
and pick back up from where i left off

but people still exist even when you aren’t around to see them
and systems still continue on in perpetuity
and seasons/entropy/growing/dying/
everything keeps going
even when you are
on your little
break

i just want time to stop
i just want a pause
or a reset button
or rewind
or something
to help my brain understand
what happened over the last 27+ years of my life
because the way i’m going right now
there’s no reason or rhyme or
timing that makes any
sense

and so i keep going
i do not rest
because i know any break i get
won’t actually do
what i need it to
so i keep going
and keep going
and keep going
and that can’t be very healthy

[but i see no other way]

January 20, 2023

/ HJ / Leave a comment

i feel like
every atom of my body
has been dipped in molasses
and is just trying to do the best it can
in the given circumstances

but that best
is not the best
i’m used to

so i keep pushing
when maybe what i need to do
is rest?

(i sleep all the time.
i don’t do much.
but when was the last time
i rested
without guilt?)

(was it ever???)

October 9, 2022

/ HJ / Leave a comment

there were only two things

i needed/wanted

to do today

and i did neither

(but that’s ok

because

breaks are important

and rest is necessary

and we did other

important

things

otherwise

and now

these tigers

are ready for

bed)

May 29, 2022

/ HJ / Leave a comment

sometimes, you need the break,
and sometimes the break needs you,
and every now and then
you need each other,
and that
is a beautiful day

(if you listen)

~~~

what is it about the stardew valley
wintertime
music
that feels so sad
and desolate
and cold
and hopeful
and magical
and pleasant
and soft
and exciting
and new
every time i listen?
every time i play?

~~~

puppy whines
cat hisses
communication:
solid misses

March 6, 2022

/ HJ / Leave a comment

the last
few weeks
we’ve gotten so little sleep
at night,

what with parties happening
two doors down,
or our dog
trying to lick away her own skin,
or the cat
being…a cat;

sleep has been
interrupted
at best
and non-existent
at worst

but last night
we may have slept through the night?
(or at least, had 3 or less wake-ups,
instead of our usual
10+)
and i feel
p rested
and my body
(and brain)
have no idea
how
to feel
[emotionally]
about that.

~~~

i wonder if i’ll ever feel
like
my poetry has a direction
a perspective
a purpose
a reason to keep writing and writing
other than my own
obsession
with
what the hell this life/world/brain is

but for now
i’ll just keep
writing
and writing
and writing and writing and writing
my damn-near gibberish-ness
and hope it sparks
*something*
in someone
in time.

~~

question
everything
answer
nothing
preserve
some things
and continue
on

December 27, 2021

/ HJ / Leave a comment

i’d like to know
how
people do it:
accept the cycles of the earth
without resistance;
the changing of the seasons,
the darkening of days,
the yearly reminders
of time.

i try,
and i understand
logically
that this is how it goes;
there is no stopping
or halting
or pausing
or slowing
or adjusting
but still…

cycles make me sick.

i’ve never been able to accept them
internally,
so i’m certainly not going to be passive
about them passing
externally…

(i feel like i have a better way of explaining this
somewhere up my sleeve,
but right now
“cycles make me sick”
is the only thing i can register
as really getting across
what i have to say,
so i’ll stop here
and try to remind myself
that even the planet needs rest time,
and while time may not be
linear,
humans’ experiences of it is pretty near,
and maybe the problem is
i was simply built for another planet,
or at least another climate…)