just writing
quick morning words
and then back to working
on the thing i should have started
a month ago
but alas
the maybeHD
and procrastinatory tendencies
make it so
in this week
before the event
this is when my creativity
actually explodes
i’ll deal with it…
…later
i tell myself as i accidentally
log out of
pretty much
everything
i’ll deal with it…
…later
i work with my phone instead
google meet/
zoom/
jitsi/
anything to work out
and not work on
the issues
i’ll deal with it…
…later
i go out
socialize
come home and grab my computer
to work on it
but it’s late
and i’m exhausted
[and maybe drunk]
so i’ll deal with it
later
later
later
i’ll deal with it
later
i pull out my laptop
my computer
my everything
and remember yesterday
and all the laters i stated
and instead of dealing with it right way
i instead write some poetry
first
because
i’ll deal with it
i wil
just…
…later
huge list
yesterday
of course i
procrastinated
things
with other things
but i still got plenty of things
done
and yet i still
still
still feel
unaccomplished
as a human being
[when will this feeling end?]
when
will i get my
writing
back?
my churning out poem
after poem
of things
even i think
are gold?
my extended long poems
studying a single subject
until i learn
the poem wasn’t even about that
to begin with —
it was about some emotion
i’ve been feeling
but not identifying
for a while yet?
my ease
of writing poetry
every morning
without fail
without procrastination
without this trudge
through molasses
in my mind?
when?
when?
when?
procrasti-working
works for me—-
i get into the flow
of whatever work
isn’t time-sensitive
/finish up a project
that isn’t really necessary,
and i find myself
[usually, but not always]
able to continue flowing
into the stream of consciousness
of whatever thing i was avoiding
to begin with
[but i wouldn’t necessarily recommend this
to anyone else]
[except
maybe
maybe those
with the adhd]
interesting choice
in Morning Poetry tactics:
the internet-perusal,
the procrastination by other necessary tasks,
the avoidance—
but also the placement/
routine/
you can’t get out of this one
just by watching your animals
interact,
or taking multiple breaks
inside this very poem
to drink half your coffee
and listen to the music,
the poetry will come
whether or not you want it
(but you want it—
otherwise
why
would you have made this challenge
and just kept on
challenging
yourself
month by month
week by week
day by
day
?)
on pumping myself up (and all that entails) :
you can do it!
[i can do it]
the coffee will help!
[but it’s not a necessity,
because i can do it on my own!]
yes, you can do it all on your own!
just go into the thing, and change the other thing
[very specific of you]
thank you.
but for realz, who cares if anyone gets upset?
it’s your name
your identity
what makes you feel good/
gender euphoric/
most yourself
[and if i run into another issue
about ‘how names should be formatted’?]
well, then, that’s the patriarchy,
and your know what we do to the patriarchy…
[burn it down!?!]
burn it down!!!
…but also, logistics/red tape/maybe a strongly worded letter
[mmm, strongly worded letters…]
much better than politely worded letters, don’t you think?
a way to get out your ire &
not to freak out about the writing of an email
because it needn’t be perfect,
but it must be passionate
[but what if they don’t believe me
because it’s not perfect?
or what if the person who gets the email
believes the same as i do
and i ruin their day
because not only did they get ire
all sent towards themself,
they also can’t do anything
about it
and that makes them feel worse???]
…
i mean, we don’t even know if we need to write a strongly worded letter
yet,
first we need to try to do the thing
and i feel like
both this poem
and the overthinking
are ways to avoid
just doing the thing;
staying complacent
in this quite simple and adjustable lot in life
so…?
are we gonna do it?
[…
…
…yes?]
yes!
do it!!
you can!!!
[update:
i did it!
it was easy
but then…
memories!?!?
ugh, the social medias…]
ugh…
staring at your phone
won’t make your boredom alleviate,
but i do it anyway.
procrastinating your projects
won’t make them arrive any slower,
but guess what i do.
stress dreaming about choreography,
about packing and school long since freed,
or any sort of event approaching at gathering speed,
doesn’t seem to help in the least,
but that’s what my subconscious thinks will help me.
~~~
i can sometimes feel the stress
in my forehead
when i’m contemplating life,
or doom-scrolling through each app
that brings me no joy, only sorrow,
and when i feel
my muscles tightened,
and my eyebrows furrowed,
and my body edging towards taking on
on a tenseness i haven’t felt since college,
i try to relax that part of my face
where the stress enters.
and sometimes it does help
(and sometimes it does not)
~~~
i make lists,
but sometimes i wonder if
i’d be a more mellow human
were i to simply
not.
procrastination task:
something that should be accomplished
[at some point]
done in a frantic spur of energy
when other
more important/
urgent/
critical/
imperative
tasks must take priority.
(hopefully
a way
to shoo those distractions
and get down to business…
…eventually)
you’d think
the tsunami
of serotonin
(or dopamine)
that floods my brain
when i finally do something
that’s been looming
for so long
would make me realize i should do the things
more
faster
sooner
(but i suppose
the payoff isn’t as strong
if the procrastination isn’t also
that
strong
?)
kipventures 