feeling disenchanted
with words
my drive to churn out
poetry
or prose
has been quelled by the concept of
more interpretative media
music?
painting?
cake decorating?
what will my next endeavor be?
[and will i still come back to poetry
every morning]
[i mean, i haven’t stopped in literal years,
so probably]
working through what works best
for my distractable brain/
my undiagnosed, but probably ADHD brain/
my MaybeHD brain
finding new discoveries and tricks and impacts and randomness all the time
and it’s slowly feeling like
less and less of a lie when i
introduce myself and my needs as simply
“undiagnosed ADHD”
i often brag/complain/comment on the fact
that my pain tolerance is high
and my discomfort tolerance
is low
what i mean by this is
generally
*generally*
i can see pain as a temporary thing —
my constant toe issues when i walk
always dissipate with each step
[even if i know it will come back
with the beginning of the next one,
at least while that foot is in the air
it’s gone] —
or cramps/headaches/muscle pains
i can tell they’ll fade
in a day
or after some good sleep
or even with some sort of pain medication —
pain is more an assessment of what my body needs
than anything that will put me
out
but
but
but discomfort never seems to have an end-point
[unless i force it,
and sometimes i do
purely from an “i can’t deal with this anymore” standpoint]
so —
tags tickling the back of my neck
NEED to be ripped out of all my shirts/
socks falling inside my shoes
NEED to be pulled up
or exchanged for better ones/
backpack straps feeling uneven
NEED to be adjusted
and bras that fold up on themselves
and pop back at random times
NEED to be pushed to the back of my drawer
and never worn again
[though the matching bra
received at the same time
that squeezes my ribs to pain
i’m far more willing to deal with
throughout a day]/
someone’s breath on my neck while trying to spoon me
NEEDS to become the little spoon
and my own ribs popping out/back into place
ever so slightly
NEEDS to be brought up to my doctor
far before any pain worries arise in an encounter/
it’s really just the fan above me
that started out as discomfort
[of air blowing on my skin]
that i’ve learned to deal with —
but it still bothers me more
on days with less sleep/
high stress/
i’m still looking forward to the moment when
the weather outside switches and
we won’t need the fan on
again till next summer
i hope i’ve expressed
this phenomenon
accurately enough
to let folks know
why
the fuck
i’m like this.
there are things on the to-do list
but when i get the time to do them
i find myself in desperate need of rest —
either to fully pass out
on the couch
asleep as soon as
my eyes close
or
the brain rest of a video game,
and the body rest of heat pack therapy,
and the emotional rest of sitting next to a cat or a puppy —
and i completely forget everything on my
multitudes of lists
[is this just the
maybehd way???]
the consequences of adhd
[or even maybehd]
are incredibly frustrating
because
i have no one to blame
but me,
and i want
so desperately
to blame somebody
[because it never works out the way i dream,
but sometimes it does get better than it initially seemed…]
it’s all a wild ride and a complete surprise
with maybe-ad-hd
they always say
‘follow the dopamine’
‘follow the dopamine’
but what if the desired dopamine
only arrives for a minute at a time–
you get a huge rush
of desire
of want
of an activity you know will
feed your whole soul
but life (or whatever)
gets quickly in the way—
you have to feed the animals
or use the restroom
or simply finish the one task you’re on now
but that tiny fraction of time
that it took to walk to the supplies
to fulfill that rush
of dopamine you followed
was enough to make it all
disappear
maybe i should start listening to
the ‘faults’ of adhd-ers
and use them as a blueprint
or some kind of a script
because this here is–
this cycle of almost-but-not-quite spikes
of dopamine
followed by long valleys of grand depression–
this is unsustainable
and, frankly,
ain’t
it.
writing
as if i have adhd
living
as if that truly is me
sharing stories
telling anecdotes
diagnosing myself
so that maybe
understanding it
will set me free
kipventures 