February 5, 2024

the simplicity today
is still so simple

it’s not making larger ideas
blossom
in front of my eyes/
it’s making my blood boil and rise
at the fact that i
cannot seem to focus long enough
to make poetry i’m proud of

maybe tomorrow
[maybe even later today]

February 4, 2024

do past poets
ever view todays’
as cheaters?

“i never had rhyming dictionaries
back in my day…”

“the whole of human knowledge
at your fingertips
and this drivel
is what you come up with???”

good thing
i don’t believe in an afterlife

otherwise
i’d be worried
about generations of past poets behind me
judging my work
instead of simply all of humanity
from now going forward…

February 3, 2024

avoiding
what i have to do
by doing
so many things i
should have been
doing
ages ago
eons ago
sweeping the floor
and putting the dishes away
and organizing whole clothing drawers
and nursing plants back to life
and applying for things
and
why does this happen?
why does the looming deadline of one things
encourage all the other
executives to start functioning?
but
but
but
how come i can’t do
literally
anything
without a deadline?

could i please
either
need deadlines to get started on something
or
use looming deadlines to get other things going?
why must i fight against both
in order to do things
i actually
want
to do
???

February 2, 2024

yesterday was
hard

i don’t really know
why

but i got through the
day

and ended up here
today

a little more energized
a little more ready
a little more creatively excited
a little teeny tiny bit happier
[just a bit
just a bit]

February 1, 2024

it’s weird
being self-aware/
being an actor/
creating everything in my mind
for a narrative
others may never see —
because i can feel
the light dimming behind my eyes,
i can hear
the music track slow
and dip in pitch
and distort
and stop,
i can imagine
all the indications
of depression
that would be
if my life were actually
a movie

but it isn’t
and i can fake happiness so hard
even i believe it sometimes

January 31, 2024

if
every time i sing
is not a time for noticing
but instead a time for horrid judging
a time to nitpick how my voice is not to my liking
a time to either be perfect or, if not, then so far away it’s not even worth it to continue on
then
how can i noodle with my voice
into a safe space/a kinder place for me
to explore and notice and be neutral and not judge at all

is it even possible?

[it is with a growth mindset, you know.]

January 30, 2024

a dancer
once mistook me
for someone they dance with —
suggesting
i would be skilled enough
to have shared a class with them —
and after
i told them no,
they suggested i was skilled enough
to have taken other classes elsewhere
for vogueing and waacking and the like
and complimented my own arm movements/control/awareness

and i still can’t get down from that
high

[and it makes me actually want to
try
one of those classes
sometime]

January 29, 2024

the puppy’s belly whines/
screeches/
scrambles
noisily/
damn near barks
of its own accord/
warbles/
and whines/
and seems to want some sort of comfort,
but we don’t know how to give it
the comfort
it calls for/
so we just imitate/
and tell the puppy
we’re here for her
if she needs
anything

January 28, 2024

growing up
in a western suburb of Cleveland, Ohio
with just a father in the house with me,
we would
diligently
watch The Weather Channel every morning —
the local weather on the 8s
with its gentle jazz running under
to give a vibe
of what that day’s weather would provide,
and the clearest memory
to me
is this version of “Stormy Weather”
[i believe it is this exact one i’m listening to
now
of the Red Garland Trio]
whenever the weather outside
was set to be relatively
abysmal/
storm or dreary/
rainy day/
cloudy skies
ready to open up
at any moment —
i can hear the offset rhythm,
the harmonies of the piano keys
of a tune i do know the words to,
and i can still see that wood-paneled room
with beige carpet
and cellar door next to the television we’d stare at
trying to guide our coat choices for that day…
and just the two of us
thinking about only the weather
for a moment or two
before the rest of the stress
would settle in
to our aching bones.

[just a moment
a consistent moment
i can remember]