May 24, 2024

didn’t really write yesterday
today is seeming to be starting the same way
do i need an excuse to put this all away
or do i need to allow myself to delve
deeper
in these morning poems
than i have been doing
recently?

May 22, 2024

still half asleep
still half deep in the
vibe that was yesterdays time
trying and trying to be, once again
a person who leaves their home now and then
but the sleep got me good
as i hope sometimes it would
and i know i really should
do something, anything to actually wake
but i have to say
this sleepy way
is kinda great

the vibes are
nap
rather than
panic attack

and that’s nice.

May 21, 2024

accidentally realizing
[through morning page poetry]
that i’ve tried to package my life
my feelings
my emotions
my experience
my existence
into a narrative structure
with themes and things
all tied up in a nice bow of a simple story
for other people’s consumption
just to yell at myself
that my life is mine to experience, no one else’s;

whether or not i’m enjoying my life, no one else
should get to consume it until i’m
actually gone.

i don’t need to make myself digestible
especially when i’m not even in a
‘public eye’ of any kind right now

why
did i/do i
do this to myself?

[i just want to experience something
without worrying what others will
think, looking back, as if i’m some
kind of historical figure — is that
too much to ask of my own psyche???]

May 20, 2024

i’m already well past 300 words
and i’ve gotten such good work out
for me
but not for anybody
else

maybe i should start taking old poems
and redoing them/
adjusting and rewriting
for use in a book of some kind?

i’ve now written
more than one poem every single day
for over three years now
officially 1,134 days
according to this calculator i just found
on the interwebs

let’s calculate a bit more:
i know i usually write at least three poems —
though sometimes there’s a lot more/
but sometimes i’ve skipped days to come back later
and use an unpublished poem from a previous writing session —
let’s just say it averages out to three a day
[i know this will be a low estimate]
that makes, at least 3,402 poems
[probably closer to 6,000 if we’re being honest]

[i wonder if it would be worth it
to go back and actually count
how many poems happened each day]

[that would be wild
to say
the least]

and all of this look back/calculation has helped none of the
‘i have no poem to post today’
issue…

i suppose i could post this word soup,
give the internet the knowledge
that while i post one to three poems daily
on that site, the need to write
is overwhelming sometimes,
and sometimes i just gotta write and write and write
and i guess i’ve written somewhere between 3 and 6 thousand poems
[honestly probably even more]
since i started this experiment
in april of 2021

[also, i thought it would be an
experiment that would last me a year
and here
i am…]

May 19, 2024

oh no
oh no
i have
the stress anxiety
thoughts of impropriety
about everything i could be doing
but am not
or even the things
i literally cannot
i’m stressed
my stomach a mess
and nothing will settle
me down

May 18, 2024

i still feel like i’m trapped in my house
not allowed to go out
not suitable for other human’s consumption
and i want to need to wait
a bit
longer to be permitted to rejoin the human race

~~~

unknown what to write
what to even think about
when my morning has been going
a certain way for a week, and now goes
a completely
different route

[i hate that i need consistency]

~~~

puppeteering
and back to singing
and in a show again
and pride-month dancing
and still i have no idea
if i even want to be perceived
in front of an audience
at this stage in my life
or not

May 16, 2024

if only i knew what i wanted to write about/
if only i didn’t start hundreds of poems
immediately after closing up the morning poetry page/
if only i could access all the unfinished lines in my mind
from last night and prior nights
going back years and decades
and mine them for inspiration for today
now
this morning//
but instead i find myself sitting and staring/
and hoping and despairing/
and writing about writing
and random morning things

[maybe, every few weeks, i should actively make morning poetry
into nighttime poetry
and see what happens
then]