January 18, 2026

i want to hypnotize myself
into actually trying
full out
when i want something

rather than shooting myself in the foot/
ripping the rug right out from under me/
doing other things to ruin my chances

because…why?

because i somehow still believe i don’t deserve good things?

because i’m scared to committing to one thing
and believe that means i’m cutting off options
for any other possibility in my potential life?

because i am still not convinced that all of this is really real?

those are all terrible reasons

and i still can’t convince myself
with my conscious/logic brain
to make my subconsciousness
stop destroying all my chances

[that’s why i need so many
non-pressurized hobbies —
because the minute they matter
i
implode
]

January 17, 2026

distract yourself with crimson glaze
with pink chiffon
with aesthetics and
art

[is art a distraction?
or is it a human need?]

[or is distraction itself
sometimes
a need?]

[i don’t know
i don’t know
i try to speak for
the entirety of the human race
but so few of them make any sense
to my own senses
that i’m simply trying to
live life
i’m simply trying to
continue to
want to live life
keep life
going
i’m simply trying to
try
sometimes
not even all the time
just
sometimes
sometimes sometimes
sometimes be my own human self
sometimes try to speak for
those in the human race that today’s humanity
seems to leave behind
sometimes try to
connect with others
in a way that
raises both parties up
from one level of existence
to another
greater
kinder
more enlightened
not to be better than others
but to carry everyone
with us — if i share enlightenment with three people
and each of them share with
three more
how long until we have all of humanity
together
and looking out for
each other?]

this rambling poem
is to say
as much as i feel like i
will never understand the
rest of the human race, i keep making art
for them for them for them
for the connection to get to know them
and have them know me

i can’t help it

that’s part of living as/with
humanity

January 16, 2026

break the habit
and form it back up again
stronger
[or weaker]
than before

hold it together with
dips in time
and days gone by
and a word here and there
tied up with a bow of
intentions
and whatever free time there is to spare
for a curse against
other curses
and mortality
or mundanity
in general

hold it together
hold it together
hold it but not too tightly
for breaking may make
it easier
[or harder]
and you’ll only know
once it
happens

[and sometimes that’s a risk one must make]
[and sometimes
it absolutely
is
not]

January 15, 2026

still haven’t done much
morning poetry writing
this morning
[none at all
yesterday
morning]

but that’s ok
that’s ok

it’s just a personal goal
and the point is to write
and eventually catch up

i can easily do that after therapy

or in the evening
if i so choose

[or even tomorrow]

it’s just me
it’s just for me

it’s all ok

it’s all ok

January 12, 2026

writing about things
about losing
and possibly gaining

[about gaming the system
that seems incapable of collapsing
without dire consequences]

about consequential
and inconsequential
choices

for our own choices
will always always always bring
something
to our own lives

but in the grand schemes of planets and universes and stars
what is one
human’s
mistake

[what is one species’
constant
blunder?]

January 10, 2026

loving and doting on and still kissing my animals
while holding their faces
and staring into their eyes
and stating
“i’m allergic to you”
is so silly
but so
satisfying

[and almost makes it feel
ok
to have this knowledge]