November 15, 2024

i feel my ability
to create
has been sucked dry
by a cabinet that has yet
to even take power

and i don’t want to let it

the universe deserves art

art is what makes life worth living

it doesn’t even have to be spectacular, world-paradigm-shifting/
perspective-altering/makes-you-see-new-colors-on-earth
great
art

it just needs to be art

because every human is creative
and every human deserves to look at something
and feel —
even if that feeling is
‘i want to do that’
for inspiration
or for competition
or for proving something —
art takes humanity,
splits it into a thousand pieces,
and connects every piece of us
back with each other

and even if we only ever see two or three pieces
of ourselves
connect with others in our lifetime,
those pieces continue on:
in your stories to the friends you make later,
in one audience member’s recollection,
in your peers’ inspiration
and on to making their own creations

we all continue to live through our art
because humanity
is connection
and connection
is art
and art
is humanity
and all reversed and back again
and we cannot survive
as a species
without our art, our connection, and our humanity

so please, as defeated as you feel, artists, keep art-ing
i will
i just need to stream these feels into my art
first
and then maybe this poem will reside in the heart of someone else
who will help someone else
continue on
and
on
and
on
it
goes

November 14, 2024

writing to video game music
feeling the pressure of the world
of life saying
‘you’ve been here before
you’ll get out’
but all i’m hearing is
‘you’ve been here before’
‘you’ve been here before’
‘this has all happened before
and it will happen again’
and i can’t stop my mind from spinning
into the cycles and loop-de-loops
of life
and feeling so dizzy
i want it to stop
i want progress
not necessarily a straight line
but something
more forward moving
than this
constant
back again
back again
back again

it’s like humanity never learns

[and that may be our downfall]

November 11, 2024

‘are you planning on leaving the country?
if so, why?’
a friend asked that
anonymously
of all their trans compatriots,
and i answered based on
healthcare
and preparation,
but my real answer
is more to do with the intersection
of depression
and queerness, which is
‘yes, because how am i supposed to fight
for my own and others’ rights
if i, myself, want to die?’

November 10, 2024

are these truly my only two states?

so invigorated
because of immediate trauma
and helping my community
and working so well
in crisis

and

depressed and sullen and scared
and just hunkering down
for nap after sleep after nap
until i don’t know where the years went?

i want something
in
between

November 8, 2024

i want to resist
with love
and creativity
and i know the other side
has so much hatred
to fuel their fire
and it will get to me
it will get to me

but i’d rather stay soft
and weepy
than let blind rage lead me
to hurting anyone
inside
or outside
my community

November 7, 2024

keep writing
keep protesting
keep donating
keep impacting
the way you can impact.
and if you feel you can’t
take a moment to grieve that track
and look for backroads
into movements
and remember — the smallest impact
isn’t small at all
if a living being feels
cared for.

November 6, 2024

what a fucking stupid country
i’ll be eloquent tomorrow
today i just need to scream

~~~

that’s not true,
i’ll write today
because i’m too numb to just walk around —

my strength comes from feeling
but i can’t feel anything but frustration
for so many people who would vote against
their own self-interests
against their own inalienable rights
[i guess they’re kind of alienable now, right?]

i keep staring off into space
and getting lost in my own
worst-case scenarios
which all come back to the conclusion
“i simply don’t wish to be in this timeline”
which is especially strong, stemming from
“i’ve already live through this once — i thought we had learned.”

there’s a quote
in the miniseries Stakes
that’s part of the animated tv show Adventure Time
and it goes something like this:

[pause for me to find the complete quote, because i will]

the Vampire King asks Marceline:
“What’s the one thing you’ve noticed about the world since you beat me all those hundreds of years ago?”

to which Marceline replies:
“Everything repeats over and over again. No one learns anything because no one lives long enough to see the pattern, i guess.”

“But you’ve lived long enough.”
the Vampire King replies

and i kind of feel like i
have lived a thousand years
and seen the cycles and patterns repeating
over and over and over again
and am the only one who has learned
anything

[i guess it’s true what they say about studying history: you may not be doomed to repeat it, but you’ll be so frustrated as you watch everyone else repeat it that you lose all respect for humanity as a whole]

[i may be paraphrasing/adding to that, but the sentiment still stands]

~~~

i’m sickened
i’m scared
and i’m not even that frightened for myself — we’re in an overwhelmingly blue city
in the midst of a fairly solidly blue state
[and if New York were to secede, we’d be pretty
self-sufficient immediately]
i’m worried for all the folks who will be hurt
physically
emotionally
psychologically
from this egomaniacal walking talking cheeto
whose only desire
is to stay out of jail
and make himself more money
and the cult of hatred that follows him.

i wish i could believe in humanity
again/
ever