i feel as though
i have very little to say lately
going through and posting poems
from this experiment of poetry journaling
poetry-every-day-ing
poetry for poetry’s sake
-ing
and i used to have so much to say
even if it was just writing about writing about writing about writing
the lilt of the poems
lifting off the screen
i could feel the tempo in my mouth
but lately
i’ve been
ever
so
slightly
more
stagnant.
poem
June 9, 2021
a sudden
desolate
feeling
(from where?)
(is it fear?)
(is it unknowns?)
(is it this music?)
(is it simply brain chemistry
once again?)
~~~
i have scores
of unfinished poems
on complex concepts:
identity,
isms (race and otherwise),
individuality,
depression,
misgendering,
gender euphoria,
magical summers,
myself,
others,
and on and on and on
and i hope to some day share them;
feel confident enough in what i’ve already written,
come to some sort of conclusion that helps the poem
stay
important,
feel like the poem expresses what a
Big Concept
should truly express,
but for now i keep slugging along
writing little poems
about my morning
and hoping that
some day
i’ll feel awake enough
to really sift through
those big poems
again.
~~~
i have a secret to tell you
(shh, don’t tell anyone else)
i usually write more than one poem
a morning,
but i’ll save the poem that doesn’t have the right
‘feel’
for that morning
for a different morning,
a morning when i can’t express myself in poetry
(or a morning where i’ve expressed myself too well,
and the poems feel too personal
to share on this here poetry blog),
and i find a secondary poem
from a day long since passed (past?)
and i appropriate it
for that day
to have something to share
to have something to post
(and,
as an overly-honest person,
i wonder if i should make note of these,
write at the bottom
“this poem originally conceived of on ________ date”
but i haven’t yet,
because this poem a day thing is for me,
and posting for others is secondary,
so if i want a record of when poems were written
and when poems were placed elsewhere,
i’d write it down within my drafts
(i already do)
but maybe,
as this blog is a solid gathering
of poems i am ok with being public,
i could indicate this,
also for my own records
just in a different spot…?
maybe?)
June 8, 2021
i’ve spent the last few days [weeks]
posting these poems
up on my poetry blog
and i feel far more accomplished
and yet
there’s still a feeling
of
i get closer to my actual base thoughts
when i’m not worrying about which poems to post
[though i’d been posting the poems from days gone by]
so will i get back to that magic
of day 1, day 2, day 3, day 4, day 5, day 6…
will i need to set a schedule for posting? every three days? every week?
and do i really need to contemplate this out loud
into words
into my poems
into my way of conceptualizing/processing/thinking/feeling/knowing
in order to make them
more
real?
June 7, 2021
my Fauci Ouchie
(parts one and two)
were (side-effect-ly) uneventful.
my kip’s, however,
were sore arm
and fever-reactive
(part one and part two
respectively)
and i wonder what my immune system
does
is
to make it so strong
(how for every cold/flu/illness
kip gets
i get half of them,
and even then
at half the intensity)
but at least
we are both doing our
due diligence
to not get this terrible,
horrible,
no good,
dirty,
bad
virus
that is still
technically
at loose.
June 6, 2021
i’ve been posting
diligently
for the last few weeks,
re-reading poems
from the start of this
poem-a-day-venture,
editing where they need it,
mostly surprising myself in my own confidence
and love
of my own words.
and while i haven’t told a lot of people
about this undertaking
quite yet
i’ve told a few
and that’s scary
but at least a little bit
invigorating.
and i’m trying not to write
for the purpose of being read
i’m trying to simply write
for writing’s sake.
but the purpose of this poem
this post
today’s post
is that, as of this day,
the 6th of June,
i’ve finished my backlog of posts
and am actually,
truly
posting on today.
(and i know me,
i know myself,
i know i’ll probably have a few days where i’m not feeling up to posting right away
and i’ll collect a bit of a backlog again,
but at least it won’t be
damn near two month’s worth of work
again)
and yet,
(and yet)
not having that big of a backlog
means i won’t feel this kind of
accomplishment
about this project
again…
June 5, 2021
emails won’t
write themselves
[though sometimes
the dissociation
makes it feel as though
they, in fact, do.]
June 4, 2021 (part 2)
sudden sillies
pop as classical radio
chatting with the spouse
singing at the spouse
dancing at the spouse
after writing/editing/posting so many things
dealing with depression
how can my goofiness
still show itself
this fiercely?
June 4, 2021
i think
i put things off
as a way to prove
that i am,
in fact,
a horrible person.
i am aware
that technically
this issue
stems directly
from depression:
‘executive dysfunction’
but that doesn’t stop me from observing myself
outside in
seeing the things i put off
the things i actually do
and making an educated guess.
and yes,
of course,
the depression absolutely affects the way(s) in which i view myself
and not only would i not have this executive dysfunction
if i didn’t have the depression
i also wouldn’t have such a low opinion of myself
but somehow i’ve decided that the two are linked
and that the effect is the cause, and the cause is the effect
because i can’t just see it as simple brain chemistry,
a result of this battle that’s been raging
in my brain
for years
that would be too easy
too simple
and it takes the blame off of my choices and actions
it puts those things out of my control
and if there’s one thing i have more of
than depression/anxiety
it’s control issues
so
instead
i’ve decided
that my executive dysfunction is not this ‘hard-to-quantify
direct mis-firing of neurons
in my brain’,
but instead it stems from my self-esteem
and my desire to be a good person
but ‘knowing’
deep down
that i am the actual worst
my worthlessness showing up
in my inactions
and that way i can blame my depression
as well as my whole sense of self.
June 3, 2021
i’ve now been writing for a little more than a month and a half
and i just started posting like a week ago
it’s definitely given me a perspective
i didn’t expect…
confidence
in old poems
re-reading large poems
with big concepts
assuming i’d need to edit/adjust/revise
before wanting to post them
but feeling like they are whole
already.
i still don’t know what this actually means
for my skills
in poem-making,
if i’m still stuck in the black and white view of
good or bad
first draft comes from the heart/soul/gut
so any changes will be disingenuous
so just post it
as is
(but
what if
i’m not unlocking
my true potential from
within)
(or
am i simply
avoiding
what i know will turn into
obsessive
obsession
for making it perfect
when poetry
thrives
in
imperfection?)
~~~
is there another poem inside me
today
this morning
is there something else i need to get out
another concept to contemplate
another topic to purge from my soul
another thought, barely formed, scratching at the corners of my mind?
really
what i’m thinking this morning
is
it’s so dreary out
and i have so much to do
and my head hurts like crazy
and all my body wants to do is nap
and all i want to do is find any motivation
anything
at all.
~~~
and yet
(and yet)
i’m actually super stoked about posting?!?!
June 2, 2021
language(s),
culture(s),
french has my heart
(le français a mon cœur)
but spanish…
spanish would be smarter
spanish would be more useable
(spanish isn’t really that far from the other languages i’ve studied
so it’s not completely foreign,
though i do find myself speaking it like french,
pronouncing (or not pronouncing) half the words
nasally
throatily)
but why is this another case of
all or nothing
black or white
why do i feel like i have to get
completely
fully
100% fluent
in french
before i can even start to study another language?
(i’ve already traveled to spanish-speaking countries,
even after a few months of [re]studying the language,
and still spent most of my time caught with one word
in a fully thought out spanish sentence
stuck in french.
what is extra study in french
really
going to do?)
(other than getting me stuck
more?
)
kipventures 