poem

January 28, 2022

/ HJ / Leave a comment

the snow sprinkles downwards
as i look towards the sky
wondering why
wonder when
wondering how

the beauty laid out on the ground
but i always search for answers
rather than accepting
beauty for beauty’s sake

(which may make me a curmudgeon,
but damn is there beauty in science
too)

January 27, 2022

/ HJ / Leave a comment

so cold
too cold to think
too cold to do much else
but obsess about the cold

~~~

apparently that poem is too true
my brain has short-circuited
and i ponder things other than the cold
but they only flit in and out
as my body gets used to the
inside heat once more
(even though it’s not nearly as heated
as my freeze-baby body would prefer)
(and that’s still with snow pants and a sweater on)

(but will i stop drinking this ice-cold coffee?
absolutely not.)

~~~

fake fireplace
give me warmth
flicker your rolling light flames
and force heated air towards my
shivering bod

my one solace in the wintertime

January 26, 2022

/ HJ / Leave a comment

when dogs get ‘the zoomies’
it’s an indication
that they are a happy dog

but is the same true
for cats
with ‘the zoomies’ ?

our cat
is a very zoomie cat
but she has increased the amount
of zoomies
since our moving to this house
probably five-fold

so i think i’m going to take it
as a win
and assume she is far happier
in the house
than she was at either apartment

(though she can’t see the birds as she once could…
is she now chasing bird ghosts instead of birds themselves?)
(a question for another poem.)

January 25, 2022

/ HJ / Leave a comment

was that flurry of days
when i felt aimless,
directionless, and gutless
simply the preparation for
the calm that followed?

(the calm after the storm?)

and was the calm that followed
simply the preparation for the
motivation and direction and drive
i’m feeling now?

is everything a predisposition to something
that will, inevitably, follow,
or is there something as real as free will
unencumbered by planets or gods or majority[/loud minority] opinion?

January 24, 2022

/ HJ / Leave a comment

we are now
well into
the third year
of living in new york city
and though i’m not where i thought i’d be,
the whole world isn’t where it thought it’d be
either.

the pandemic has really taken the onus
off my own head
for what i wanted to accomplish
when i got here,
and redirected my aims
not lower
just sideways-er,
from theatre/circus/maybe film
to voiceover/film/maybe circus
(and a little activism in there
because how could you not be
when looking at
this world)
and theatre…?
who knows what will happen
within this third year
(within these next few months/weeks/days)
but i do know that
governmental policies (or lack thereof) really left the public
out in the cold
at the very beginning
of this whole ordeal
and haven’t been able to rectify
that harm
(nor have i seen much in the way of trying)
and i shouldn’t have expected any better
but man
do i want
to trust
that people
will do the right things,
but power seems to corrupt
even the
best of us…

but
i was talking about
living in new york city
and my life here
(or lack thereof)
and all i have to say is,
though i don’t think i ever really got
the ‘true’
living in nyc experience,
i still suspect
i couldn’t live
anywhere
else.

January 22, 2022

/ HJ / Leave a comment

see
me
doing the work
writing the things
pushing
daily

meet
me
in between
the day and the night
the push and the pull
the enjoying the work
and the pushing through for completionist’s sake

and do it all
in a mf-ing
pandemic

~~~

don’t know where that came from
except my brain
so i guess it’s not all sunflowers and random peaks of
existential dread
up in here…

~~~

the thing is, i’m not pushing
that hard,
like,
i do like
writing
i enjoy it
and [especially] when i get into flow
it’s the most fulfilled and productive i feel
but the last few days/weeks have felt
‘off’
and i can’t quite figure out why,
but i just keep going
and if i don’t write anything that i deem
‘good enough’ for posting
i simply go back to other days
where writing felt smoother
and more ‘of me’
(or something)
and i post that
(which i’ve done before
but maybe not so many days in a row?)
(and even the written — posted days
feel
not great)

did the second poetry-writing challenge break me?
or is this simply the effects of wintertime
(and every year i’m surprised)

January 21, 2022

/ HJ / Leave a comment

what’s it like
to know what you want
day to day?
week to week?
year to year?
life to life?
[i wonder
and ponder
my own life through)

or

what’s it like
to see so few choices
that the choice seems
obvious
to you?

decision paralysis
is a subject
i’ve written abut before
(and thought/think about
damn near daily)
and yet
the subject
never seems
‘done’
to me.

(but maybe
it’s a combination
of regular decision paralysis
and the big choices i’m stuck on
that bleed into the littler ones:
my indecision
about my own career
(minus the big reasons i’ve chosen acting,
which is also a way to feed the paralysis;
acting has in it
the opportunity
to be
every career
with
every character),
but within that big choice
i get stuck on
what i want to wear
day to day
or what music
i’d like
to listen to…
but/because there are other things
i know
i like
and want:
i love all animals,
and rainbow is my favorite color,
and kindness i hold above all,
and coffee is the best drink (besides water),
i’m always in the mood for
bagels, indian food, or ice cream,
and i know i need balance in my day-to-day choices:
too much of socialization
will lead to needing a lot of alone time to re-charge,
and similarly,
too much solitary time on my own
and i begin to fall apart)

so, what is the conclusion,
or even the thesis,
of this poem?

is it simply that i can continue to be freaked out
by decisions
and the paralyses they induce,
but i should also admit
the duality
of the human spirit
and that i know what i want
far more than my paralysis shows?

or is it simply
to make a strong choice
and stick with it
(the lessons learned in improv class
so long ago)?