February 2, 2024

yesterday was
hard

i don’t really know
why

but i got through the
day

and ended up here
today

a little more energized
a little more ready
a little more creatively excited
a little teeny tiny bit happier
[just a bit
just a bit]

February 1, 2024

it’s weird
being self-aware/
being an actor/
creating everything in my mind
for a narrative
others may never see —
because i can feel
the light dimming behind my eyes,
i can hear
the music track slow
and dip in pitch
and distort
and stop,
i can imagine
all the indications
of depression
that would be
if my life were actually
a movie

but it isn’t
and i can fake happiness so hard
even i believe it sometimes

January 31, 2024

if
every time i sing
is not a time for noticing
but instead a time for horrid judging
a time to nitpick how my voice is not to my liking
a time to either be perfect or, if not, then so far away it’s not even worth it to continue on
then
how can i noodle with my voice
into a safe space/a kinder place for me
to explore and notice and be neutral and not judge at all

is it even possible?

[it is with a growth mindset, you know.]

January 30, 2024

a dancer
once mistook me
for someone they dance with —
suggesting
i would be skilled enough
to have shared a class with them —
and after
i told them no,
they suggested i was skilled enough
to have taken other classes elsewhere
for vogueing and waacking and the like
and complimented my own arm movements/control/awareness

and i still can’t get down from that
high

[and it makes me actually want to
try
one of those classes
sometime]

January 29, 2024

the puppy’s belly whines/
screeches/
scrambles
noisily/
damn near barks
of its own accord/
warbles/
and whines/
and seems to want some sort of comfort,
but we don’t know how to give it
the comfort
it calls for/
so we just imitate/
and tell the puppy
we’re here for her
if she needs
anything

January 28, 2024

growing up
in a western suburb of Cleveland, Ohio
with just a father in the house with me,
we would
diligently
watch The Weather Channel every morning —
the local weather on the 8s
with its gentle jazz running under
to give a vibe
of what that day’s weather would provide,
and the clearest memory
to me
is this version of “Stormy Weather”
[i believe it is this exact one i’m listening to
now
of the Red Garland Trio]
whenever the weather outside
was set to be relatively
abysmal/
storm or dreary/
rainy day/
cloudy skies
ready to open up
at any moment —
i can hear the offset rhythm,
the harmonies of the piano keys
of a tune i do know the words to,
and i can still see that wood-paneled room
with beige carpet
and cellar door next to the television we’d stare at
trying to guide our coat choices for that day…
and just the two of us
thinking about only the weather
for a moment or two
before the rest of the stress
would settle in
to our aching bones.

[just a moment
a consistent moment
i can remember]

January 26, 2024

why are our plants so dusty?
why can’t i concentrate
on anything
but my own failings?
why is the puppy barking so loud?
doesn’t she know i’ve had a headache for days now?
will my nap
help any
of my focus/sadness/pains?

will the lesson later help my body
regain some of its magic
[maybe]?

[some questions for another rainy morning]

January 25, 2024

dreary rain
rainy day
the splatters from the showers
pounding down on the roof over our heads
and lull us to sleep
lull us awake
to participate
in this
dreary rain
rainy day
dreary rainy day

January 24, 2024

the one
and only
good thing
about not having kip with me
for morning poetry
time
is that their chair across from mine
can be my footstool
and i can lengthen my legs up
and relax
and stretch out
and
sit how i’d like to sit
still arms on the table
still laptop directly in front of me
but with legs propped how they’d like to be

but

that is literally the only good thing
for when they need to sleep in
for when they need to be out and working
for when they’re in a different city
or even just upstairs from me
otherwise
i miss
everything