maybe don’t concentrate on morning pages
[though it is still morning
and we are on break now
officially now]
horrendous
i don’t know where i’m going
horrendous
i don’t know what i’m doing
horrendous
anyone expecting expectations from humans
when humanity is doing
this
hot hot outside
inside so damn cold
even without any a/c
even without the freezing air of summer
in the united states
i wonder how many folks
feel colder in the summer
than the spring and fall
i just want there to be a time of year
when i don’t feel
tragically
mis-taken-care-of
by modern society
or nature
[maybe costa rica really is
the best place to be
for me]
interesting
without music
my brain only half focuses
like it does
with music with words
why does my focus only work on such
strict, specific auditory inputs?
overzealously analyzing why i’m like this
why i do [or don’t do] the things i do/do not do
but still not delving too deep
to analyze with heart not mind
overthinking/intellectualizing/brain-processing
is my curse
and i’ll cling to it until i can’t anymore
[can i bring myself to a place where i can’t anymore?]
so
here we are
trying to write while the cat
yowls her nausea
upstairs
i just want to tell her
say to her
explain to her
that this will pass
it’s just a flare-up
it will pass
[i also want to tell myself
say to me
explain in such a way that i believe
that
this will pass
it’s just a flare-up
we have the meds we need
it’s not something different
something insidious
something hidden]
[we should schedule that ultrasound]
cool
cool
make me feel worse
about myself
about my quirks/my faults/my worst
habits and have them describe my whole self
awesome
perfect
exactly what i wanted from my one close family member
left
coat me in kisses
and realistic expectations
no pedestal for either of us
just love love love love
puppy love and married love
and tragic love and healing love
and compromising love and excited love
and family love and adventurous love
and every kind of love
that’s human
that has
a beginning and no end
why does funk
just make your body move
and playing bass guitar
make you do that head thing
with that face
universal things
i had no idea
were universal
until i did them, too
so many things
happening at once
keeping an eye on the cat
to make sure she doesn’t throw up
having a schedule
in your brain
and making sure it equals
the one written down
and keeping relationships
and keeping pets
fed and happy and healthy
[yes, the friends, too]
and also yourself
i mean, that’s a lot to do
not even getting into
late-stage capitalism
and how everyone needs multiple jobs
to keep the debt collector away
and keeping up to date
on social/political issues
to be an informed voter
how does any human do it these days?
maybe make words
make pictures in the margins
of all our psyches and show them off to
whoever is willing to read
them to see them
kipventures 