hey
zlnut
the coffee of the day
~~~
flick
of the tail
mowgli’s peace of mind
is never that peaceful
(except during catnaps)
(and even then…)
~~~
a short poem day
interesting
poem a day
April 28, 2021
i ache for more time
to go backwards
to have a do-over
but when i write dates
i am far more likely to write in
a future date
one 2-3 days from now
and i wonder if that means i’m forever looking back
or forever looking forward
or that time is a never-ending, non-linear cycle
(or that maybe i shouldn’t think about things/write dates when i’m tired)
April 27, 2021
a cat on the lap
is worth
fifteen scratches,
one bite,
four cats on the ground,
two heat packs,
a third of your regularly prescribed dose of your antidepressant,
five bite sized chocolate bars,
and all the fur they deposit on your clothing
(i swear, it’s absolutely worth that.)
April 26, 2021
but what are my poems
~rEAlLy~
about?
April 25, 2021
writing poetry
finding the ‘right’ words
in the shortest amount of time
still watching the entire world pass me by
i take a word
and latch on another
and another and another
until i’m finished
but i never really finish
i’m never quite done
i still feel like this is a first draft
a rehearsal
a practice
and i’ll be able to go back and fix my mistakes
(eventually.)
what if that’s what our ‘heaven’ really is?
getting to fix all the things you think you did ‘wrong’?
and some of us are just more in tune with that
than others?
still don’t believe in a heaven
or hell
still don’t believe in an eternity
hereafter
there’s more out there than what we can see
but a supreme, conscious being,
that is the hardest to believe.
a balance with the universe, is what i believe
a yin and yang of light and dark
(though evil/good do cause me to pause
my thinking for just a second more)
opposites standing together
become whole, not opposing
and i can be whole within myself,
not two completely separate feelings/ideas/whatevers
struggling for supremacy,
i can be a person inside
who is whole
not opposing parts
never coming together
to create a powerful,
albeit rather strange
(and proud in my strangeness)
human person.
(it’s rather funny, to me,
that i really do not identify with much of the human race
but ‘human’ is my favorite designation
to stay outside the gendered binary)
April 24, 2021
why does my soul
and heart
and body
ache for adventure
when my brain
and my eyes
and my entire psyche
long to nap until i might feel
truly
awake again?
do i really need to rest until i feel up to adventuring again?
(not that many adventures are happening right now, in the time of the ‘rona)
and if that’s the case,
is this the indication that,
even though my days are spent lazing around
doing ‘nothing,’
that ‘nothing’
isn’t as relaxing as i once thought?
i’ve been made aware
that resting while feeling guilt about resting
is not truly resting.
is this why that,
even though i’ve been alive
twenty-seven plus years
i don’t know that i’ve ever felt truly rested?
because, whether i’m performing ten shows a week,
or have literally nothing on my schedule
for the foreseeable future,
i always have these murmurs of
“i should be doing something”
“a nap would be nice right now…”
“i should be doing something”
“maybe i could just close my eyes for a hot second”
“i should be doing something”
“another coffee, maybe?”
“i should be doing something”
“why doesn’t this wake me up like it used to?”
“i should be doing something”
or, i suppose, that exhaustion could simply be the
depression.
whatever it is,
it’s low key,
i know people/friends/acquaintances/family
with invisible illnesses
with constant pain and exhaustion
that does not leave them alone
that requires them take a nap
as soon as the feeling hits them,
that forces their eyes closed
which no amount of coffee or energy drink or caffeine pill or anything
could ever prevent.
mine is not that.
it feels like a quiet undercurrent,
some days i can ignore it so much, it goes away
(usually when i’m busy with other things)
other days i do end up napping on the couch for over an hour.
but it’s a whisper
not a shout
it’s a gentle tug towards sleep
not a full out body slam down onto whatever surface is nearby
it’s the existential exhaustion of being alive
in a world that kind of sucks
and your anxiety never lets go of your awareness of it.
it’s probably the depression.
April 23, 2021
a vivid dream
can munch up
all my morning plans
my brain stuck
inside
—whatever it was that that was—
as my body slowly adjusts to conscious life,
the mind-parts are still millions of neuron-firings away
trying to hold on to the bright colors
and new characters
and strange places
(and lovely animals)
that my brain just kind of
made up
for the night,
trying to hold on to them
before they
float
away.
and even though i know i’ll be awake eventually,
even though i know that trying to hold on to the vividness
will just make its disappearance all the more devastating,
still i try,
stuck in the dream
secretly hoping to
not
get out of there.
April 22, 2021
this morning
i didn’t even wake up with a plan
writing
no wishful
thinking
no premises of
poetry
long since forgotten
i simply woke up
tired.
April 21, 2021
i don’t know how
people
do it.
write poetry about the big things
falling in love
feeling betrayed
birth
rape
death
i’ve tried and i always feel
i’m missing a piece of the puzzle
like my particular words
cheapen
my majestic moments.
but i’m more than happy
to write odes
to sour patch kids
express a love for
one particular flower
paint a poetic portrait
over the act of writing poetry
i thrive on the little things
(but do people actually want to read poems
about how my morning was?)
April 20, 2021
if you’ve ever held a purring cat
on your lap
without your arms,
simply the cat’s choice
to stay,
to head-butt into your outstretched arm
(which is diligently writing poetry
running
full-force
into the second week of this)
then you know what pure joy feels like;
the purrs calming your anxiety riddled body
the head-butt feeling like
you are the purveyor of all that is good
in this world,
you are the protector
of this cat
(even though, most likely, it is she who is the protector of you.)
kipventures 