poem a day

March 6, 2022

/ HJ / Leave a comment

the last
few weeks
we’ve gotten so little sleep
at night,

what with parties happening
two doors down,
or our dog
trying to lick away her own skin,
or the cat
being…a cat;

sleep has been
interrupted
at best
and non-existent
at worst

but last night
we may have slept through the night?
(or at least, had 3 or less wake-ups,
instead of our usual
10+)
and i feel
p rested
and my body
(and brain)
have no idea
how
to feel
[emotionally]
about that.

~~~

i wonder if i’ll ever feel
like
my poetry has a direction
a perspective
a purpose
a reason to keep writing and writing
other than my own
obsession
with
what the hell this life/world/brain is

but for now
i’ll just keep
writing
and writing
and writing and writing and writing
my damn-near gibberish-ness
and hope it sparks
*something*
in someone
in time.

~~

question
everything
answer
nothing
preserve
some things
and continue
on

March 5, 2022

/ HJ / Leave a comment

nothing remembered
about today
nothing great
that got away

just chores
and a good day
with the spouse
no stress
no[t too much] doubt

taking it easy
chilling
getting house-things done
and monkey bread
yeah
we did do that!

no idea
where this rhyme scheme came from
[nor where it’s going]
but i guess
that’s all i got?
yep,
that’s that.

March 2, 2022

/ HJ / Leave a comment

even the poem
i wrote
about having trouble
writing poems
this morning
feels so cheap
and distant
and alien
to what is actually happening in my brain
at the moment
so i guess
i’ll write
this tiny diatribe
about
‘blah’ness
and ‘meh’ness
and the ‘blargh’ that i’ve been
chanting in my head
all morning
and see
where this
all takes me…

March 1, 2022

/ HJ / Leave a comment

the cat meows
and meows
and meows
and still i haven’t yet fed her

(how dare)

in ten minutes time this will change
the food will be in her cat tree
and then between her teefies
and then inside her belly

and in fifteen minutes

the cat
will

meow
meow
meow
once more

and i’ll have no way
to quiet her
down.

(and i love it all)

February 28, 2022

/ HJ / Leave a comment

drive is not enough,
desire is not enough,
ambition/hunger/passion-
-not enough,
when you have anxiety
breaking you down at every step,
when you have depression making sure
you know
that visualization
is just a foolish trick,
and that hunger is simply greed
in a different trench coat,
when you have your own brain
waging war
on every want you’ve ever wanted
it’s not enough
to want
to set the goals
to be proactive at all…

manifestation
only manifests
if your whole being is on the same wavelength

so how
do i
connect
my
divisions of self?

February 27, 2022

/ HJ / Leave a comment

almost done
with the worst month

(though, to be fair, i have learned to admire parts of
february:
i get to learn so much about Black/African American culture and history,
i get to find folks who i admire
and they readily send out their paypals
and venmos
and cashapps
so i can compensate them for their education,
give my tiny portion of reparations,
i find lists of lists of artists/stores/crafters/everything
to use not only this month
but for birthdays
and holidays
and no-reason-needed gift-buying,
the amount of color coming across my screen
in february
is truly gorgeous
and i make sure to like for the algorithm
and follow for my own list
so it can stay that way
year ‘round.)

(the only other part of february
i truly enjoy
is that it is so close to the new year
that everything still feels pretty possible;
the resolutions not dropped
seem so much closer to becoming
reality
but there’s still time,
being only month two,
to re-start any failed habits
(or pick up ones that weren’t obvious
on 1/1)
)

otherwise,
worst month.
cold.
bleak.
not nearly as exciting as january
about it being a new year.
the days and dates the same as march
so my maybe-adhd/maybe-dyslexic/maybe-something-else brain
continues to suffer
the past experiences
of switched months,
the embarrassment
and shame
and confusion as i carefully read the month
but still end up wrong.
and you may think that the shortness of it,
the 28 days as opposed to 30+
would be a relief,
but that is
far
from the case:
i had so much i wanted to accomplish
this month
and now i’m running out of february days
in which to accomplish it;
normally the 27th would indicate a close to the end
but you still have time
dates
days
to next month,
but no,
tomorrow is the last day
to accomplish
anything
great
in february

so fuck february
thank goodness it’s almost over
but also
why did it go by so fast?

February 26, 2022

/ HJ / Leave a comment

yesterday it rained
not from clouds or sky
but from frozen branches
and telephone wires

and i walked
under the melting drops
and cared for a twisted ankle
and recorded auditions
and read for classes

and i felt so
accomplished.

and today i read for myself
and relaxed the day away with my spouse
and noticed the ankle not doing too well
and rehearsed for a different class
and waited to poem my poetry
and both sky and ground
were clear
and dry

and i still
can feel
accomplished.

February 25, 2022

/ HJ / Leave a comment

amidst the attacks
on trans kids’ care
and Ukraine
and the continued unfounded laxations
on policies meant to keep us safe and healthy
and, of course, the never-ending attacks of
those of color in this country
(particularly those Black in this country)

amidst all this tragedy and infuriation and chaos yesterday
i achieved a personal best,
an achievement,
a goal i’d thought unattainable,

and i need to remind myself that i’m allowed to celebrate that.

i can celebrate and mourn,
i can celebrate and call to action,
i can celebrate and take action,
i am not required to fix the world
before i work on my silly little circus moves

in fact

working on my silly little circus moves
is what gives me the strength to do all i need to for the world…

without circus,
without celebration,
without exercise and investigation
of what my body can do,
without art and all i do to self-express,
without that humanity
i am simply left
a giant mass of depression,

and depression/forlornness/existential dread;
that is [part of] what maintains the status quo.

without art/celebration/joy
i am left overwhelmed with all that needs to be done
in the world.

with,
i can balance
all i know is terrible
with my little pieces of what is good,
so i can have the energy to call representatives
and give my little bits of extra income
and write poetry to [maybe] inspire others
as well

we,
those of us who are queer,
those of us with mental states that fill us
with anxiety
and/or
despair,
we are human
and are allowed our humanity,
our joy,
our celebration,
our art,

and, as a lovely side-effect,
that humanity,
when taken,
can help us do our part
to negate some of the external sources
of our stress and panic and dread.

i am allowed to celebrate
just to celebrate
because i am human
(no matter how many conservative lawmakers try to deny that about me and my kin)
i am human
and i am allowed joy in my life

and perhaps my joy can uplift others in their joy as well

so here’s to baby’s first solid, unassisted, one-armed meathook,
to the side-abs i am creating
and the joy i am stoking
in myself
because i am allowed,
i need no external validation
but it helps to hear it out loud all the same,
i am allowed
i am allowed
and i can bring others up as well.