[im]perfection
plagues my mind
i strive for it
though i know it’s
unattainable
i try to rewire
rewrite
the narrative
the choice
to choose imperfection
but the core of me whispers
‘what if you’re just not trying hard enough
and you
and only you
are the one person who could do it
perfectly
and you’re just proving how much of a failure you are
by choosing
not to
try’
and i am stuck
in this cycle
never-ending
that only ends in
failure
failure
failure
a failing
of
me
i know
i’m not,
but i feel like i’d call myself
a human disaster.
i was going to compare it
to my perfectionistic tendencies,
but i think they are tightly interwoven;
like
if i wasn’t a perfectionist
i wouldn’t be assessing myself
in the ‘disaster’ arena—
i’d just let me be me.
umm yes, hello
spooky times in late late nights
(not too late tonight
but later than i’d like)
cat scratches and line runnings
and poem pickings to be posted
and why not, there’s no such thing as perfection
just doing
just doing.
this morning
the pages don’t flow
they flitter
glitter shimmering past my peripheral
if i follow the train of thought
i want
i’ll be leaving this subject matter behind
but what is it i’m trying to find?
am i aiming for polish
for pristine
for perfection
or could it be
the messy/testing/trying out
glitter flittering in and out
dopamine hitting my starved system
will fill it far more than
niceness served for nicety’s sake
who am i kidding?
i am a perfectionist and a completionist
i can aim for both at once
it doesn’t matter that that would require
a physically impossible arrow
more time in the day than is there now
legitimately anything different than what i bear
but now
i can admit my silly ways
my impossible aims
and even if i still want what i literally cannot have
at least i know it
and that’s progress
right?
this poetry blog
has become my respite
my sanctuary
from my own perfectionism
and putting too much pressure on myself
in most (if not all other) things
but how do i take the lessons learned
here
and bring them with me
everywhere?
how
can i constantly feel
like a novice
in all i do?
i’ve performed all my life,
but i still feel second/
third/
fourth/fifth/sixth/
end of the line
when it comes to opportunities
for the stage/screen arts.
i’ve had six plus years in the air,
but i’m a perpetual student
here.
i’ve written
every
single
morning
poetry
for over a year and a half,
but i’m still too scared to submit,
to hear the possibility
that i’ll forever be
amateur;
living only for the love of words,
never ‘going anywhere’ with it.
and what’s so bad about that?
capitalism/colonialism/white supremacy
forces our minds to find some meaning
out of what we can produce/expert the field
in a way that makes money—
churn out content/
content/
you need to create more content…
where is the place for creating for the sake of creativity?
and why can’t i find my own balance?
i think
it’s because
i just want to feel
like i know
something.
i want to feel adept/
professional/
expert/
master/
ace/
like i don’t have to second guess every choice i make—
that’s what i want out of my crafts.
will i ever write
anything as honest
in the daylight hours
as i do near midnight
just before
sleep
takes me?
~~~
meditate
on the self
to escape from
the pressures
of the other
(but don’t blame the people–
they’re just trying to survive
just like you–
but how do we escape the systems
that are built
to trap,
hinder,
distance,
and depress
?)
~~~
how well do you know yourself
and your patterns
of self-sabotage?
~~~
these poems are starting to sound
a little angsty
but i swear i’m not in
a teen mood™ —
i’m just trying to find my footing
for a morning
after a morning
away
~~~
i have enough poetry
to always have something new
to slight-of-hand any reader
into thinking
i never miss a day
of writing
but i’m too honest for that jazz
so here i am
keeping my streak
but also writing poems
about skipping days
and i don’t know what that says
about me
(and if i should be thinking about that
anyways)
~~~
interesting
watching oneself
write poetry–
a line i thought
would negate/lessen
the last line
makes it feel
so much fuller
than before
i suppose that’s why i’m out here
writing poetry
every day
for 500+ days
as opposed to
studying
and analyzing
and obsessing
and perfecting
a thing
that comes
from the heart
[perhaps i should take that into account
in other aspects
of my life…]
it’s the dichotomy
between
my very private personality
and my desire/impulse to overshare at every opportunity
it’s the balance to find
between
loving the little luxuries in life
and not feeling fully fulfilled
unless i’m working insanely hard
it’s the desire to be the raw, young talent
switching between
wanting to be respected, knowledgable, wise
it’s the old soul behind a young face,
it’s the bubbling energy inside an aging body
it’s the creativity battling the perfectionism
it’s the wanting to do good, placed against knowledge of how bad it really is
it’s loving humanity
and being so scared of people
all at the same time
it’s the dichotomy
and it’s forever battling inside me
(i have always identified with Aang,
but maybe i’m more like Zuko,
trying to prove myself,
working against insurmountable odds,
until another option shines through
and i realize i didn’t need to work that hard to begin with)
(that analogy didn’t lead where i initially thought it would…)
i’d like
for my poetry
(and my acting, similarly,)
to open up the secret parts of me,
those parts that no one [sometimes not even me] sees
and bring honesty and truth and a dash of the full, elaborate
condition
of humanity
out into the forefront of all our minds
but i find
that i hide behind
humor
and perfectionism
and overthinking
and intellectualism
(but aren’t those a part of me, too?)
how can i find the true me
if it takes a bomb to push through?
that day
in class
when i accessed
what i’ve been trying to for so long,
it wasn’t a push or a force or a bomb
it was a steady ease into the presentness of my body
my mind felt connected,
continually,
for the first time in (give or take) an eternity
so maybe that should be my aim
the gentle
allowance
of self
into my poetry
but how to do that?
[breathe?]
kipventures 