breathe through
the pain
the panic
the day
the week
the month
the year
the administration
the takeover
the ugliness
the inhumanity
the world
the lifetime
[a life is meant to be lived
fully, not
breathed
through
until the end]
[if only those who made it this bad
did any meditation
of self-reflection
of their own damn actions]
the apprehension
the tension
the aches and pains of
just sitting
sitting
sitting
forever
[what other horrors does a 9-5 bring?]
the pain in my arm
has never harmed me
in the air
this bothersome little
strain
on the tendon
is only ever annoying
when writing
or scrolling
or holding
or driving
it never affects me while flying
which is nice
but
it does make me think that
my bod just wants to be a circus performer
and nothing else
nothing
“normal”
at least
the sharp pain behind my knee
reminding me that my body is fallible
in the most silly of ways
everything in my life
seems to be
on delayed reaction time —
processing traumatic events/
pain responses to any injury/
excitement and anxiety responses/
processing temperature changes in my body/
even my damn tarot cards seem
a little too far away from the reading
to the event they foretold
to be anything less than
delayed
[but, i suppose, that’s just how my body/soul
plays this little life game]
how can there be
so much horror in the world
alongside such beauty?
how can death happen one day
and the next, the miracle of a whole new life?
how can those celebrating a graduation/
a union/
pure friendship
be next door to
domestic violent terror
in one’s own home?
i haven’t figured out yet
how to be a happy person
while also knowing
so much that happens behind
tightly closed doors
in front of
tightly shut eyes
because, from my position here,
it feels counterintuitive —
i’m trapped in feeling like
one thing cannot be acknowledged
if the other isn’t also
but perhaps that’s my own black and white
fault
thinking
because there’s also
often
mundane day happening
alongside mundane day
and it’s the grey that
somehow
sometimes
keeps us going
pain
and depression
are linked for me,
for i can stand
a great deal of each
but the moment it/i reach
a breaking point
a moment when the pain is too unbearable
a moment when my thoughts get too dark
even for my somber self,
a moment when i feel at the brink of too muchness
and nothingness
that is exactly when the physical and mental pain
fades
and i am left feeling so silly
for wondering if
now
was the moment i’d give in
and just
die
perched
like a gremlin
atop the specialty cushion that is
supposed to
help my back/glute issues,
but only if i sit on it
like a normal human
no wonder i never fully
rid myself of my aches
and pains
my massage therapist’s fingers
find space between my ribs
where before there was resistance
and knots
and no way of going through
and she breathes a sigh of relief
as my body returns to
what it should be
rather than holding all the stress
of the whole world
in my muscles
and knotting up the nerves along with it
and i walk away refreshed
but also, of course, worried —
how long will it take for my body to collapse back
to the shape it’s been in
for nearly a month now?
and will pain ever be a thing
i am
without?
rib
out of place
again???
how am i supposed to do
anything
when i’m constantly scared
of fucking up
my whole side
by simply wrapping myself up
in ways i have already done
countless times in the past?
how am i supposed to do
anything
when my body doesn’t even know
how it is supposed to be
aligned?
how am i supposed to do
anything
when i never know
if this pain is bad
or simply residual
recovery
pain?
[pain is my sole indicator
that something is wrong,
but i never ever know
if the pain is a warning
a crisis
or simply part of being…]
kipventures 