everything in my life
seems to be
on delayed reaction time —
processing traumatic events/
pain responses to any injury/
excitement and anxiety responses/
processing temperature changes in my body/
even my damn tarot cards seem
a little too far away from the reading
to the event they foretold
to be anything less than
delayed
[but, i suppose, that’s just how my body/soul
plays this little life game]
pain
and depression
are linked for me,
for i can stand
a great deal of each
but the moment it/i reach
a breaking point
a moment when the pain is too unbearable
a moment when my thoughts get too dark
even for my somber self,
a moment when i feel at the brink of too muchness
and nothingness
that is exactly when the physical and mental pain
fades
and i am left feeling so silly
for wondering if
now
was the moment i’d give in
and just
die
rib
out of place
again???
how am i supposed to do
anything
when i’m constantly scared
of fucking up
my whole side
by simply wrapping myself up
in ways i have already done
countless times in the past?
how am i supposed to do
anything
when my body doesn’t even know
how it is supposed to be
aligned?
how am i supposed to do
anything
when i never know
if this pain is bad
or simply residual
recovery
pain?
[pain is my sole indicator
that something is wrong,
but i never ever know
if the pain is a warning
a crisis
or simply part of being…]
i often brag/complain/comment on the fact
that my pain tolerance is high
and my discomfort tolerance
is low
what i mean by this is
generally
*generally*
i can see pain as a temporary thing —
my constant toe issues when i walk
always dissipate with each step
[even if i know it will come back
with the beginning of the next one,
at least while that foot is in the air
it’s gone] —
or cramps/headaches/muscle pains
i can tell they’ll fade
in a day
or after some good sleep
or even with some sort of pain medication —
pain is more an assessment of what my body needs
than anything that will put me
out
but
but
but discomfort never seems to have an end-point
[unless i force it,
and sometimes i do
purely from an “i can’t deal with this anymore” standpoint]
so —
tags tickling the back of my neck
NEED to be ripped out of all my shirts/
socks falling inside my shoes
NEED to be pulled up
or exchanged for better ones/
backpack straps feeling uneven
NEED to be adjusted
and bras that fold up on themselves
and pop back at random times
NEED to be pushed to the back of my drawer
and never worn again
[though the matching bra
received at the same time
that squeezes my ribs to pain
i’m far more willing to deal with
throughout a day]/
someone’s breath on my neck while trying to spoon me
NEEDS to become the little spoon
and my own ribs popping out/back into place
ever so slightly
NEEDS to be brought up to my doctor
far before any pain worries arise in an encounter/
it’s really just the fan above me
that started out as discomfort
[of air blowing on my skin]
that i’ve learned to deal with —
but it still bothers me more
on days with less sleep/
high stress/
i’m still looking forward to the moment when
the weather outside switches and
we won’t need the fan on
again till next summer
i hope i’ve expressed
this phenomenon
accurately enough
to let folks know
why
the fuck
i’m like this.
kipventures 