uncertainty
in what to write
in what to do
at any given moment
day
or night
the uncertainty
is what freezes me
not potential good
or bad outcomes
but all the options
showing themselves to me
beat
by beat
by beat
until
the overwhelm becomes too much
that inaction is the safest path to take
[but it actually
never really
is]
the overwhelming ache
of knowing strangers’
wants
and needs
and their own aches
and feeling hopeless
and helpless
even while knowing
individuals cannot save everyone —
it is companies and economies
and governmental systems
that keep those in want
wanting,
and keep those in the place of
being able to give
here
and there
stuck
in overwhelm…
fuck capitalism.
where is our revolution
of kindness?
i
am
a writer
i write
every
damn
day
i even get paid
to write
sometimes
and if i get a little overwhelmed
when a prompt for writing
isn’t
something i’m used to
that’s okay.
i’d love to say my feelings on
any given subject
are solid
but in reality
i’m more likely to be
ambivalent
or divided
or even
strongly one way, but
completely able to conceptualize the other
when faced with a fork in the road
i’d love to say i’d walk down one
a little ways, and then the other
just to see
just to see
but i know me, and i’d probably be
stuck
at the point of divergence
trying to see down each path
before committing
even to curiosity
and i think this might be
the fatal flaw
of me
overthinking
overfeeling
to the point of it all becoming
[nothing]
overwhelmed
with choice
is how i fraccture my life
how i spend my days
wondering
what i actually
truly
really
want to do/read/wear/make/get into
next
an attempt at a poem-to-do-list:
-i don’t really know what to do
-how to write down what needs to be done
-it’s like in school where there was so much, it just melded into my mind
-and created a kind of static
-of overwhelming
-things
-to do
-to do
-to do
-so i did none of them
-so i did nothing
-and instead relied on television
-and podcasts
-to block out all thoughts
-not because it was inconvenient
-or because i didn’t want to face the reality
-but because it was literally too much
-for one human brain to handle
hide in my hoodie
disappear into decades-long fiction
find a new hobby
a fresh kind of hyper-focus
and learn all of that
instead of knowing anything else
(the rest of the world is overwhelming anyway
might as well find ways
to enjoy time
here)
May
is going by
in the blink of an eye
~~~
i wish
sometimes
that my brain would just
chill out
for a moment
(not calm down completely;
i’ve learned my lesson there)
no, just,
give me a moment
a minute
an hour
a day
where i can be awake
but not overwhelmed with all the
‘what if’s
and ‘what could be’s,
the worries
that constantly plague me,
the overthinking
that suffers me
to ponder out
eight million possible bad outcomes
to a leap of faith
(some even stemming from
an outcome starting out
on the positive side)
does anyone else
see
both the big picture
and all the minute details
and instead of finding solace
in the breaking down of tasks
into smaller, manageable steps,
you just get overwhelmed
with the amount of tasks
that goes into everything?
or is that just me?
~~~
a rehearsal
a conversation
both later
both to look forward to
but first,
bagels
(or perhaps homemade Indian food
for breakfast)
(we’re adults, we make our own decisions in this house)
i don’t know how to talk about anything
other than
everything that happened yesterday
and i don’t even really know
how
to talk about everything that happened yesterday
[but somehow
i must]
[?]
kipventures 