overthinking

February 17, 2022

/ HJ / Leave a comment

don’t be scared,
be you.
don’t be safe,
be you.
don’t overthink,
trust your instincts,
be you.

this seems like positive,
encouraging,
enlightening
advice

on the surface

but then my
[overthinking]
brain
turns it all on its head
again

aren’t the scared/
safe
parts
part of me,
too?
is it just another
nature vs. nurture?
how i was born
vs.
what the trauma turned me into?

what do i do

who can i be?

i contain multitudes

it’s why acting

so why can’t i trust the multitudes
within me?

trust

let go

surrender and embrace

January 5, 2022

/ HJ / Leave a comment

i think
and think
and think and think and think
and i plan poems while outside
walking with my good dog
and yet,
after pre-bed rituals,
and cajoling animals upstairs,
and leaving the video player window
on this here computer,
and entering the blank document space,
as soon as i’m ready
set
get to writing
all things
(and thinks)
have left
and i’m left
with
writing about writing about writing about writing about…

[you get the picture]

November 22, 2021

/ HJ / Leave a comment

the joyful teasing
the conviviality of being around each other
the discussing
planning
problem-solving
the sharing, watching, playing
the family.

~~~

observation;
my downfall
[/upfall?]

~~~

can i
just
be good at acting
[on my own]
without needing such guidance
to stop overthinking?

[please???]

August 24, 2021

/ HJ / Leave a comment

went to sleep in a Mood™
woke up in a Whole Other Mood™
and i’m realizing how reliant i am on
the negative talk and self-sabotage and executive dysfunction
to truly be the blame for when things go wrong,
so when i am happy, when i do actually put forth the effort
to try to do things right,
and if circumstances just happen to breed the same outcome…
the low-key self-hatred,
the kind i can ignore away
because it’s always there
becomes loud
becomes bites with teeth
and those teeth are the “proof” from the external factors
which i know, logically, are circumstantial,
or i could have done something to change, but i literally didn’t know at the time
but damn if that bite isn’t sharp and deep
deep
deep down to my soul
till i start to believe the fanged monster
when they say
truly
no one loves you
and you are to blame
[look at all this proof]

~~~

and now we have the decision-making,
the ‘do i put this up on my site or not’-ing.
i’m truly fine;
i’m an adult, so i don’t have those crazy teen-hormones running around my brain and bloodstream
begging me to do something rash,
something stupid,
something irreversible.
and i am nothing if not an overthinker,
i can see the consequences of each and every action i might take
from here inside myself to externally to those i love
to forward moving in the future
and even back-ward looking to color the past

but that overthinking and knowing i’m too intellectual to actually do anything about anything
makes for even more frustration in the moment
there’s no outlet
no doing anything
just writing sad poetry
and waiting it all out…

so i guess
don’t take this as a plea for help
just take this in as my brain working some shit out.

~~~

just go read your own writing
maybe you’ll like yourself
one day

July 30, 2021

/ HJ / Leave a comment

when pondering
my overthinking
i can often track my issues back
a few layers

and then i get stuck.

“here’s where i am!”
i yell to the universe,
“i’ve figured myself out now,
can i fix myself next?”
they always say
“knowing is half the battle”
but i’ve known for ages.

but when i start to think critically,
instead of with absurd abundance,
i see some more layers underneath
the ones i’ve already detected,
and these are more fragile,
ticking time bombs,
connected to everything
inside my brain/body/spirit,
and this, i think to myself, may be the actual half
of knowing…

but i’m wary of this knowledge
so i’ll be careful,
tip-toe around it,
but at least i’m peaking in
instead of running away
and staying in the layer
that’s comfortable,
that makes sense,
that i feel there is some possibility for change

…this layer has the possibility for healing.

July 28, 2021

/ HJ / Leave a comment

i’d like
for my poetry
(and my acting, similarly,)
to open up the secret parts of me,
those parts that no one [sometimes not even me] sees
and bring honesty and truth and a dash of the full, elaborate
condition
of humanity
out into the forefront of all our minds
but i find
that i hide behind
humor
and perfectionism
and overthinking
and intellectualism
(but aren’t those a part of me, too?)
how can i find the true me
if it takes a bomb to push through?

that day
in class
when i accessed
what i’ve been trying to for so long,
it wasn’t a push or a force or a bomb
it was a steady ease into the presentness of my body
my mind felt connected,
continually,
for the first time in (give or take) an eternity
so maybe that should be my aim
the gentle
allowance
of self
into my poetry

but how to do that?

[breathe?]

July 10, 2021

/ HJ / Leave a comment

concentrate first on what you’re writing
don’t think about how to perform it
nor what people are going to think of it
nor what people will say to you

sunday will arrive far sooner than you expect,
why make it arrive earlier
by anticipating everything that will happen?
(maybe that’s just how my brain works?)
(but it seems very, very unhelpful)

~~~

i don’t know why
french café music
calms me so
but it sure does
so here it plays
morning after morning
picking up a few more words every dawn
surprising myself by how much i understand
hoping one day to catch it all.

~~~

am i ever going to attack
full, epic, long-form, big damn poetry
again?

(i suppose i just did,
what with the monologue assignment
i just wrote slam poetry for,
and i suppose i shouldn’t
count out
the big poems
sitting in this giant document
just waiting for revisions
and posting)

but it confuses me,
this ebb and flow of poetry
of how some days words slip and flow
and some days i must pull and pull and pull
and what that all means for myself
and me
and my creativity…

July 6, 2021

/ HJ / Leave a comment

everything
is flowing
outward
lately

externally expressing
but internally fluctuating
between
i need to get this out
and
no one should ever see this side of me
and yet still
nothing i do is ever good enough for me
(so how could it be good enough for others?)

the problem
with this problem
is i am not in others’ heads.
i can judge my own work based on my own standards,
but judging it based on others’ standards
is basically just guessing at their
likes
and dislikes
and backgrounds
and assessments
and training
and i can’t get an accurate read.
and as much as i’m afraid of other people
i do wish i could be in their heads
at least once
to see what they really think of me
(so my brain can stop obsessing)
(and [maybe] let it all go)

April 13, 2021

/ HJ / Leave a comment

the beginning of any project
is[can be]overwhelming.

if you have an idea for how the whole is supposed to look
and yet your mind focuses in on the tiniest of details
it can seem
damn near
overwhelming

but perhaps those AA folk are right
and day by day
(or bit by bit)
is truly the most mindful way to approach everything/life.

so is today the first day
of an ‘every day poem’ adventure?
will it last a whole year,
my mind becoming sharper
my words more focused
with each passing day?

or is that the over-thinking doing the talking
the one that sees the minor details as they make up the whole
the brain that gets overwhelmed because of all the ‘what ifs’
and
‘could bes’
and
‘why nots’?

and really, what i could be should be thinking is
i am writing a poem
today
and intend to write another
tomorrow.

and that is all that needs to be said
(or thought)