the day after a show
but so much happened
on top of it
a meeting
a surgery
an emergency allergy reaction
[not mine tho]
and i can hardly revel in the feeling of the show
[or
even berate myself for
not promoting it
more]
except for the moment
i stayed in the moment
afterwards
talking
with the lovely lovely people involved
i think they’re all so rad
and i’m so glad
i got to tell them so
damn
this performance just
snuck
right
up
i suppose it makes sense
what with
everything
else
going
on
but
i get to perform
i get to back-up dance
i get to watch my friends perform
and i get to co-host
[which is technically not an entirely new thing
for me, but the last time it happened was like
over ten years ago now, and i have almost no
memory of it, so it feels brand spanking new]
if you are near purchase, new york, why not stop on by
[tickets are free!]
https://www.ticketleap.events/tickets/queeryus/out-and-proud-a-ndod-celebration
fascinating
to be so devoted
to encouraging folks
to join the circus
because, for me, circus means
a place where our human bodies
are the art — they become the
strength and ability we never thought we’d have
the magic of human feats
and humanity
is how i see
the circus
but i know
that’s aerial circus
modern cirque, if you will
traditional circus
[though i do love the music and the costumes and the vibe]
has a horrible history
of exploiting animals
[and people, honestly]
in troubling conditions
[to say the least]
and the word “circus”
to an elephant
may be
complete
and utter
trauma
when i think of an elephant, i see giant gentleness, i hear the stomps of their feet and the flapping of their ears, and i feel a sense of peace and safety
~~~
when i think of an elephant, i see mammoth past, i hear calls for connection for the present, i feel uncertainty for a future for them all
~~~
when i think of an elephant, i see a being, i hear a whole herd, i feel the lifetimes of their ancestors and descendants all around me
~~~
rsvp to The Elephant Play here
performing
anxiety
anticipation
excitement
fear
hope
acting
for better or worse
it was my first training
it was my most training
it is the time that i feel the most myself
on stage
even with the
anxiety
and fear
there is always still
anticipation
to excitement
to hope
[if you’ll be in nyc
tomorrow, may 17th,
come on out!]
swag bags
filled with stuff
from a college i never attended
[maybe never will]
but still
a place of lovely memories
and blossoming friendships
even if
just for one event
in one
day
is it true?
that hearts synchronize in beat beat beating rhythms
when sitting in an audience
of a performance
i agree —
i want so badly to believe —
and it probably comes from some sort of truth
[there’s that study of church vs live musical performance
and how they give the same
spiritually
significant
feeling]
and i know my heart’s emotions
synchronized with those around me:
gripping our chests
because we couldn’t reach deep
and hold our own hearts,
murmurs of agreement
of sorrow
of unthinkable pain and loss and struggles to keep humanity,
and humming catchy tunes as they remained stuck after the applause had ended,
and feeling as though the whole space —
performers
audience members
volunteers
everyone —
had hugged me and held me
as i
as we
listened to damn near unbearable story after unbearable story after unbearable story…
but we bore it,
and we were witnesses to it,
all
for the synchronization
of our
beating
hearts
it’s been a week
a week of anxiety and depression
a week of stress and relaxation
a week of guilt
a week of d&d and coffee
a week of overthinking and underfeeling
a week of underpreparing
in the hopes that
today
is much chiller
than last week
could have been
[i hope i did ok/
i hope i do good]
[performance this evening, 6:15pm eastern: http://tonyc.nyc/streampfp ]
ok
but
what was that
the joy
of performing
the high
of the show
of the adoration
of the whole crowd
screaming
yelling
cheering
for
me
[is that what i’ve been missing?]
audiences
are integral
to a performance
i wish it wasn’t so,
but it sure is.
so, if the audience’s energy
is lively,
is loving the show,
is literally having the time of their life–
the performer(s) will, too.
one hundred percent.
i usually tell new performers
(especially in circus)
to enjoy themselves on their apparatus–
the audience will respond to that enjoyment
and enjoy themselves,
and that energy from the audience
will encourage the performer,
who will send their energy back to the audience,
for a kind of reciprocal feedback loop
of joy.
but i often neglect
(on purpose)
the very real instances
of audiences being super low energy:
not responding to any energy from the performer(s);
or being weird:
responding in unexpected ways
that throws the performer’s energy off–
because you have to be a well-seasoned performer
to pick that kind of energy out
consciously
(but even novices will be able to tell
that something
is simply
‘off’)
kipventures 