i keep getting flashbacks
to times on vacation
and driving in a car
and i wonder if that’s when i’m most living in the moment?
do i, [as a sagittarius?] need more variety in order to feel present in the present?
is that why morning poems are starting to feel stale?
is that why i can’t seem to accomplish new things in my little acting closet?
do i just need to add a new element every time?
the stool helped, definitely…
would a visual *something* help too?
would my writing poems to different music
or after food
or on the couch
or something something something else
be *good* for me?
for my constant need for adventure
[in these days, still, of a global phenomenon]
nonneurotypical
July 12, 2021
i don’t know why
it never occurred to me
to use my “weaknesses” as strengths
in acting.
i always pondered using my
quick-to-cry
sensations
as a way to
trick
my body
into crying on cue
but that never worked
and i think the key word there
is
“trick.”
i consider my passions
my caring too much
my crying when i’m frustrated
as the “bad” parts of my personality
mostly because they do get in the way
of living a normal life
but i don’t live a normal life
i’m an actor
and rather
than trick my subconscious
into using the base reactions
of my weaknesses as strengths
what if i actually and fully used my whole “weaknesses”
as my strengths?
i’m passionate,
so passionate,
i sometimes can’t decide
on which side
i align
(i solidly stand on the side of progress and compassion,
but with so much wrong with the world,
it’s difficult to concentrate
on just one issue,)
so i so often feel
overwhelmed
and lost
and without an outlet to create actual change
and i often force myself to try to decide
on just one
but
i’ve always considered my social justice life
and my acting life,
while influenced by social justice,
separate
(unless i’m performing in a thing
that is aiming towards creating
social changing)
but, just like i need to stop expecting
neurotypicality
from me
i also need to acknowledge that
as a queer, nonbinary, trans person
my existence holds in it
social change,
and my performing
any script
holds the passion
for some of the social change
of which i seek
and i know what my body/brain/mouth/soul feels
when i discuss a topic
about which i care deeply
and i can take that
and bring it
to other topics,
and i can cater my auditions
to those where passion is forefront
not to change my weaknesses into strengths
but to acknowledge
that all the things i thought were weak
are in fact
so
damn
strong.
May 3, 2021
and, of course, if i do this,
if i continue and succeed,
will i always post?
will i have poems in [this] document
that are just for me
and if so
will i ever go back to the strained
stream of consciousness
that morning pages are
‘supposed to be’ in?
my problem comes from the fact that
[as i’m pretty sure i’ve poetry-ed about before]
i think so quickly
that my fingers can only barely keep up with one idea
add to that the whole concept of translating thoughts into words
and there is a lot more time spent figuring out how to say/write things
than actually saying or writing them.
[and, seeing as how my head can *sometimes* think multiple things at once,
i also have often continued on
twelve steps past what i’m trying to take down
so i’m translating
writing
remembering
and thinking
all at once
and it just feels like i can never catch up.]
but perhaps that’s what stream of consciousness should really be about?
taking down the thoughts as they come?
so i [should] write down the thought
and then ignore the twelve thoughts between
and write down the next one?
[but sometimes it’s the steps in-between
that offer the insight into my process
my paths
my connections
and that is the place that i really should concentrate on
for me?]
i don’t know
it all seems too neurotypical
to be helpful
so that’s why poetry is so nice.
it slows down my brain
i process not only sentence by sentence
but sometimes word by word
becoming incredibly intentional
and seeing the thoughts laid out
for all to see and process and understand
so that maybe, just maybe
i could skip from that first thought to the twelfth
but in a way that everyone
[or at least i]
could see the process
sans steps
sans words
sans over-explanation
just thought and thought
bare
nothing more
[nothing less]
offering all that written word will allow
[and sometimes
just
sometimes
offering a little bit more]
kipventures 