just a quick
little poem
today
before i run
and do things
all day
[well, thing,
one main thing
throughout the day
a load-in, tech, and opening
all in one day
today will be
a very long day
hence the short-ish poem
to start the
day]
just a quick
little poem
today
before i run
and do things
all day
[well, thing,
one main thing
throughout the day
a load-in, tech, and opening
all in one day
today will be
a very long day
hence the short-ish poem
to start the
day]
a beginning
the start of something
first day of school
and all that jazz
any new thing is nerve-wracking
is terror-inducing
is scary
even when excitement overwhelms
even when it’s likely to be all good
there’s still a bit of the self that goes
‘EEK!’
so here’s to going in with no predisposed notions
no expectations, just the feelings that i’m feeling
and a hope to stay in the moment
and take all that will happen
as it all happens
[it’s a super neat project
and i’m super stoked about the point and purpose of it all
and if everything goes to heck in a handbasket, which is doubtful
but i suppose always possible, i can always remind myself
it is just
one
week]
all
the nerves
none
of the control
remind me of my past
the parts i like, i mean
and hang out with me into the darkness
talking
reminiscing
reminding
planning
hoping
scheming
and gathering new memories
for later hangouts’ nostalgia
friendship is so important
but why does it make me so
nervous?
so tired
so sleepy
so nervous
so alive
should be excited
should be nervous
should be chittering and shaking and heart pounding and butterflies lining the walls of my stomach
but instead i’m numb
i’m accepting
i’m tired
i’m surviving
[what depression does]
the nerves
of all this past week
seem to melt away like butter
the morning of the show
just because
i’m so tired
and achey
and sleepy
and in pain
that i don’t even have the capacity
to feel much
of anything else
…hooray?
show went fine
(maybe even great)
and now i get to stress about
a whole new performance
in a month
(why am i like this?)
i suppose the reason
i’m so damn nervous
about this upcoming performance
is because it’s the only one.
i can overthink
and over prepare
and over-wrack my nerves
because i’m not at the point
yet
where performing is just
my way of life
(it doesn’t help
that this is the first live one
since before the pandemic,
so the pressure
mounts
immeasurably)
my stomach
is twisted–
torqued toward itself.
is it nerves?
is it stress?
(was it hunger?)
could it be
all of the
above?