why
why
why must i keep waking up
in the 5:00 hour
when i don’t actually need to be getting out of bed
until 7am?
is it the sunlight? is it the stress? is it my body craving more time in the day?
is it the heat? is it the animals? is it my to-do list screaming me awake?
is it dehydration? overhydration? is it the caffeine coursing through my veins?
how much how much how much is my body in charge
vs. the external situation(s)
vs. me
i so appreciate my kip
for being there with me
as i state
the state of my mind
and emotions
and they comfort
or support
or advise
as i need/ask
our communication has always been
one of my favorite things about us
for there will always be
times of stress, it’s how
we tackle them together,
on the same team, that counts
the overwhelming ache
of knowing strangers’
wants
and needs
and their own aches
and feeling hopeless
and helpless
even while knowing
individuals cannot save everyone —
it is companies and economies
and governmental systems
that keep those in want
wanting,
and keep those in the place of
being able to give
here
and there
stuck
in overwhelm…
fuck capitalism.
where is our revolution
of kindness?
i wish i knew
exactly what my body needs.
like, is it consistent sleep?
[if it is, then why won’t it let me rest?]
is it a full, balanced meal?
[if it is, why do i get nauseous half the time
looking at food that isn’t a
comfort?]
is it socialization
and people and
connecting?
[if it is, why must my nervous system
react so poorly whenever i’m around
anyone anyone anyone?]
is it something new that i haven’t even thought of yet?
[if it is, why am i so scared to do
anything?]
sometimes
i
forget that i
am human
and i push and i roll and i run and i expect
to go and go and go
and i get so
confused when i’m tired
or exhausted
or just feel off
and even more strange is when i
take care of basic human needs
and feel
a little bit
better
like
how am i, an inhuman cryptid
a god
an entity expected
to have zero needs
feel less cranky
when i get some food in me
or have a sip of coffee
or actually get eight hours of sleep
how dare my body
betray me by being
[the normal amount of] needy
maybe
i just need food
maybe
i just need water
maybe
i just need a nap
maybe
i just need a break
maybe
i just need to accomplish
all the things i have
on my forever to-do lists
before i can feel
accomplished
in life
and maybe
that’s impossible,
but still i’ll
probably
try
don’t get lost in
the sea
of
wants but not needs
desires and escapees
the distractions instead of the
actual
necessary
to be’s
draped in my mom’s old sweater
struggling with the desire
to, instead of doing things all day,
simply watch others do things all day…
(maybe i just need some food first)
((turns out all i needed was food and a nap))
kipventures 