mental health

October 16, 2021

/ HJ / Leave a comment

the trauma was not good;
no amount of “things happen for a reason” will change that,
it was unfair, unfathomable, wildly wrong.
but how i choose to deal with the trauma,
how i have survived thus far,
and how i choose to keep on going,
that is where the beauty lies.

and i can adjust my own coping mechanisms;
make them healthier, make them stronger,
for nothing is truly “good” or “bad”
“positive” or “negative”
but there are healthier and not so healthy,
things that help me access my emotions
and perform acting in a real, vulnerable, and honest way,
and that is how i choose to keep going
(start going? this is technically all new to me…)

and, similarly,
there is no “recovered” vs. “not recovered”
there is in recovery and the levels therein.
but one level does not disappear once you move on to the next
they are uneven steps existing in a labyrinth
that sometimes require backtracking to continue on.
and if i can look at my own mental health
in a way
that is
Non-Binary
(just like me!)
then maybe,
just maybe,
i can make friends with my trauma
(and how i felt it initially/since)
and understand a little bit more about me
in the aftermath…

August 26, 2021

/ HJ / Leave a comment

a little in my own head
a little outward reaching
a little writing for an audience
a little writing for just myself.

i spent years trying to quiet
the cacophony of my mind
and now i find
i’d love to hear just a tad of it
again;
the thoughts racing each other
to the finish line of my mind
my fingers scrambling to keep up
every moment a passing thought
could pass me by
so i sat by
and wrote,
caught
as i could
a word here
a concept there
and it made me feel
important
it made me feel
artistic
it made me feel
invincible
it made me feel
somehow
more.

and when the thoughts disappeared
when my head was no longer too much
but, instead, not enough
a blankness surrounded in mysterious anxious feeling
the emptiness louder than any giant conglomeration of too-much-thought
ever was…

i’m in-between now
the thoughts are fairly loud
but they’re not all-encompassing
nor would i call them a cacophony;
i still have moments of blankness
that scare me
surrounded by anxiety,
flitting worries,
depression,
but overall it’s much better than it was
(but i do miss
the racing
the hugeness
the cacophony
the need to get everything out in writing
that desperation;
it was like a friend.)

~~~

craft the words
pull them towards
needing to express
needing to relax
deep breaths
four counts
(why does that make me feel like i’m drowning)

~~~

my sleek black panther of a cat
with nary a speck of other color on her
(save for the bright amber-yellow of her eyes)
has developed
four
white whiskers
but only on her right side

and i suppose it’s a sign of aging
and i suppose i should take it as a natural indication of time
passing
and i suppose i should admit she’s getting old

but she still chases nothings
like a kitten
and yells at us
all day
and climbs on top of us
like she’s less than the ten-pound bowling ball she’s become
and meows and purrs on my lap
starved for attention
most mornings
and acts
in most fashions
like she’ll never grow up

and i love her so.

August 8, 2021

/ HJ / Leave a comment

finding the perfect music station
is an art
(one i’m not nearly as familiar with
as my spouse)
and so when i’m doing my morning pages/poems
without them
(because sleep is a necessity)
and have to find some morning tunes
on my own
i never land on
what i initially think i’ll land on…

at least there’s coffee.

~~~

so hungry
but i’m not used to eating while writing
i eat and suddenly i want
passive entertainment
it seems this old dog needs to learn a couple new tricks

~~~

if i leave
and come back
will i keep the thread of morning poetry?

~~~

fed,
caffeinated,
[not yet watered],
and i feel so much better able to
really get into these here morning page poems

is this what i *should* be doing each morning?
instead of simply sipping coffee
and waiting until after i write to eat my breakfast?

or is this simply a daily thing
that changes around
and adjusts
as my own outlook
and mood
and level of tiredness
adjusts
day
by
day
by
day
?

~~~

i mean, if i’m going to be writing a million small poems
(and by a million, let’s be honest and say probably six)
might as well just
truly
go for it.

~~~

the nerves are starting to settle in
about class later on today
(this is why i enjoyed having a circus class prior to acting class
yes, i never got to nap,
but i also never spent half the day worrying about/obsessing over my performance)

i like how our teacher sets up the class
you perform, and then she asks what goals you had for that particular scene or monologue
and this week i’m simply hoping to continue the work
that suddenly broke free two weeks ago.
i want to breathe into the monologue,
i want to be in the moment,
and i want to use my own self-loathing
to create art
instead of beating myself down all the time.

and yes, the ultimate goal is health
and possibly, someday, not constantly feeling like the most worthless hunk of flesh on the planet,
but while that’s what it’s like in my brain,
might as well be honest
and use it to connect with this character i’ve been [not so secretly] wanting to play for ages,
and maybe if i can connect while i’m in the throes of
not-so-great mental health
maybe that means i can find my way in
when i am in a healthier mental state
remember the physical sensations
without being too harsh…

maybe?

but today isn’t about how to get there down the road
that’s not the goal today;
it’s to be in the present
to breathe into the moment
to know that i have all this inside me
and relax
and trust
and simply let myself shine through.

August 7, 2021

/ HJ / Leave a comment

my bursts of energy
of passion
come when i least expect them

after a particularly successful acting class?
nah
after weeks and weeks and weeks of depression
almost as a way to bring myself out of the slump?
nah
after a few days of getting really into embroidery
and getting inspired by clothing design
and finishing my current re-watch of one tv show
(but still in the middle of another)
and finishing one project
and feeling like celebration is fine
but rest is not
and getting particularly bored
yes
that is exactly when i’ll want to record
and submit for gigs
and audition
and maybe apply for representation

i just wish there were a way to access this
when the depression sets in
and everything else is exactly the same
but the boredom goes into self-sabotage
instead of inspiration
(and i wish i knew how long this inspiration would last;
last time it stayed for barely a day,
hardly any time to get a gig,
much less apply to multiple)
but voiceover feels a little less enigmatic,
more accessible,
voiceover feels like me,
a me that doesn’t have to be ‘on’ every day
or at least can be comfortably adjusted
on a non-on day

i don’t know where i’m going with this poem
if i’m actually going anywhere
but i feel inspired
i feel invigorated
and i hope to keep this feeling
(i feel like i just might)

July 26, 2021

/ HJ / Leave a comment

[i may have talked about this before, but]
inspirations
affirmations
declarations
don’t really work for me

there is a huge gap between where i am now
(in the process of deconstructing decades of feeling completely worthless)
to the exact point of an affirmation
(“you are enough”)
or a positive reminder
(“be kinder to yourself”)

but through therapy
and tiktok
and queer acting class
i’ve learned that i can nudge myself away from the black and white thinking
and into the essence of these inspirations
through simple wording choices:

what if statements
(“what if i am enough”)
[look at that, too,
my example phrasing changed from a ‘you’ to an ‘i’
because it felt so much more accessible this way]
and similarly with permission instead of declaration
(“i am allowed to be kinder to myself”)

and no, it’s not fixing everything right away,
i didn’t find these work-arounds and immediately feel
completely
mentally
emotionally
healthy,
but it’s a way to start accessing that healing towards a health
that always felt so far away
why
even
try

[now i can try!]

June 22, 2021

/ HJ / Leave a comment

in that strange way
i’m feeling very much a certain way

a solid emotion?
[that never happens;
i am a master intellectualizer]
i suppose my one emotion
is the burgeoning of emotions.

in therapy i’m asked
‘how does that make you feel?’
and i can follow my thought process
what it makes me think of
the connections i make with past/present/future
but emotions? what a laugh.

[is my go-to coping mechanism no longer humor?]

intellectualizing is a fine coping mechanism
for someone not trying to actually get in touch with their emotions
but as an actor, i’d like to have a whole toolbox to play with
not just ‘all good emotions’
not just ‘all emotions that aren’t too tough’
not just ‘all emotions that don’t make me feel out of control’

my biggest fear is going crazy, losing control on my concept of reality
and if i let the ‘bad’ emotions in, how will i ever be able to stop them?
how will i stay in control of where/who/what i am,
when i feel like i’m a pre-teen and in Ohio and totally out of control
when i feel even a shadow
of those feels

i know i should
i know it’ll be good for me
i know i won’t lose touch with all of reality

but that doesn’t make it any less scary.

May 23, 2021

/ HJ / Leave a comment

i feel so disconnected from myself
but i’ve had so many selves over the past 27+ years
am i disconnected from all of my selves
or just the most recent?
(because if we’re being brutally honest,
this is pretty close to the self that i had in late high school/early college,
complete with internal struggles
and external outbursts
and not connecting with anyone the way i might have wanted
or needed)
but i can’t place my finger on what’s different…
is it that i have better coping mechanisms?
is it that i have kip?
is it that i have beings to care for?
(and even then, there’s something stale and over-done in all of this,
even within the difference…)
i feel that need for a change,
the way i only get when i’m frustrated and groping for something to hold on to.
this would be the perfect time to get that tattoo;
i’ve been pondering it for the last five years,
so it wouldn’t be a stupid/rash/spontaneous decision
but it would probably fulfill my urges towards self harm
(but in a healthier way, and isn’t that what we want?
we can’t necessarily get rid of all our coping mechanisms
but we can choose the healthier[est] of the options…)

what i want
more than anything
is to be a kid again
to explore the woods behind our property
and feel like i have no expectations on me,
feel like i still have my entire life ahead of me,
because, damn, i’ve felt like most of my life has been over
since i was fifteen/sixteen,
and it hasn’t been true yet,
so why do i keep acting like it is.

September 13, 2020

/ HJ / Leave a comment

when you wear a hoodie
with a skeleton dabbing
above the word ‘depression’
in New York City
no one ever bats an eye

but when you wear a hoodie
with a skeleton dabbing
above the word ‘depression’
in small town Vermont
multiple people ask you if everything’s ok

to which you reply ‘humor is a great coping mechanism!’
and then you quickly dab your way out of the Walgreens.