November 18, 2023

maybe
i’m just at the end of my
pretending rope/
my imaginary me that makes
me
happy-go-lucky
bubbly and rainbow-y
and i’m starting to see through to my
utter core of goth/emo/darkness —
maybe this pretend me was me
for a time
and maybe this lower me is only a phase

or maybe this is my cycle,
this is my burden to bare
or carry
or lift up into the air

because cycles are natural
time is cyclical
and people live and die and live again in our heads
and everything circles back to the beginning
again

November 11, 2023

my fear
is so loud
that i’ll write about something
i don’t understand
and offend
or embarrass
[others/myself in that order]
and rather than trying
and learning
i hide
and hide harder
and hide longer
and hide farther into myself
just wanting
wanting
wanting
to write
but never doing any of it in sight.

November 2, 2023

should be excited
should be nervous
should be chittering and shaking and heart pounding and butterflies lining the walls of my stomach
but instead i’m numb
i’m accepting
i’m tired
i’m surviving

[what depression does]

September 24, 2023

observing the world around me
in a more base-neutral moment
as opposed to rainbows and bright surprise
as opposed to muddy depression eyes
objects seem to have less meaning
when i don’t imbue them with special properties
or haunting kinds of memories

they just are

September 11, 2023

how lost
am i
that i don’t
feel things
except panic

~~~

stressing
less
than i probably should be
given
circumstances
but more
than i probably would be
without
anxiety

(are they related?)

(probably)

~~~

maybe
some day
i’ll finish a
whole big-ass poem

(but probably not today)