the consequences of adhd
[or even maybehd]
are incredibly frustrating
because
i have no one to blame
but me,
and i want
so desperately
to blame somebody
[because it never works out the way i dream,
but sometimes it does get better than it initially seemed…]
it’s all a wild ride and a complete surprise
with maybe-ad-hd
avoiding
what i have to do
by doing
so many things i
should have been
doing
ages ago
eons ago
sweeping the floor
and putting the dishes away
and organizing whole clothing drawers
and nursing plants back to life
and applying for things
and
why does this happen?
why does the looming deadline of one things
encourage all the other
executives to start functioning?
but
but
but
how come i can’t do
literally
anything
without a deadline?
could i please
either
need deadlines to get started on something
or
use looming deadlines to get other things going?
why must i fight against both
in order to do things
i actually
want
to do
???
i feel sixteen again
the air around me tastes louder
brighter
coloring with so much
i can’t help but squint
perhaps it’s the neural pathways
refusing to trim
perhaps it’s the music
and late late nights inspiring
deep connection again
how can i remember
remembering
but can no longer remember
the actual thing?
~~~
it hurts my soul
to see our puppy so
sad and distressed
standing still in a cage
but it’s for her own good
and i wish
i wish
i could
explain to her in words
she’d comprehend:
‘just a few more days
and after, take it easy
and then, hopefully,
no more
puppy
prison’
~~~
how do people
craft poetry
instead of just letting
their guts fly free
internal thought process
and emotionality
all nakedly out
for any perusing
reading
eye to see?
procrasti-working
works for me—-
i get into the flow
of whatever work
isn’t time-sensitive
/finish up a project
that isn’t really necessary,
and i find myself
[usually, but not always]
able to continue flowing
into the stream of consciousness
of whatever thing i was avoiding
to begin with
[but i wouldn’t necessarily recommend this
to anyone else]
[except
maybe
maybe those
with the adhd]
they always say
‘follow the dopamine’
‘follow the dopamine’
but what if the desired dopamine
only arrives for a minute at a time–
you get a huge rush
of desire
of want
of an activity you know will
feed your whole soul
but life (or whatever)
gets quickly in the way—
you have to feed the animals
or use the restroom
or simply finish the one task you’re on now
but that tiny fraction of time
that it took to walk to the supplies
to fulfill that rush
of dopamine you followed
was enough to make it all
disappear
maybe i should start listening to
the ‘faults’ of adhd-ers
and use them as a blueprint
or some kind of a script
because this here is–
this cycle of almost-but-not-quite spikes
of dopamine
followed by long valleys of grand depression–
this is unsustainable
and, frankly,
ain’t
it.
writing
as if i have adhd
living
as if that truly is me
sharing stories
telling anecdotes
diagnosing myself
so that maybe
understanding it
will set me free
kipventures 