being
a neurodivergent individual
i often overcorrect
when someone offers me
a correction
i don’t really know how to get to a
“happy medium”
since, apparently, i can either go
full-hog
into what i’m doing wrong
or full hog
into what i think doing
right
is like
feeling disenchanted
with words
my drive to churn out
poetry
or prose
has been quelled by the concept of
more interpretative media
music?
painting?
cake decorating?
what will my next endeavor be?
[and will i still come back to poetry
every morning]
[i mean, i haven’t stopped in literal years,
so probably]
just writing
quick morning words
and then back to working
on the thing i should have started
a month ago
but alas
the maybeHD
and procrastinatory tendencies
make it so
in this week
before the event
this is when my creativity
actually explodes
working through what works best
for my distractable brain/
my undiagnosed, but probably ADHD brain/
my MaybeHD brain
finding new discoveries and tricks and impacts and randomness all the time
and it’s slowly feeling like
less and less of a lie when i
introduce myself and my needs as simply
“undiagnosed ADHD”
sweaters and sweatshirts
we forget about for
nearly a solid year
and then
once the actual day of christmas
is over
we find all our festive apparel
so we don it
in this liminal time
between christmas hype
and new year’s hangover
and try to continue into january
but it always feels
odd
and forced
and then, it’ll get lost in the backs of
closets
and cupboards
and dressers
once again
[how are we so predictable?]
an impulse to search zillow
for houses in
la
an impulse to change my whole wardrobe
and start the whole journey
today
an impulse to create a new craft
try a new recipe
just do something that is
100% new to me
but i know
me
and i know
the event
more likely —
a start
with no middle
and definitely no finishing up
the curse and constant battle
of the adhd brain
on life
perched
like a gremlin
atop the specialty cushion that is
supposed to
help my back/glute issues,
but only if i sit on it
like a normal human
no wonder i never fully
rid myself of my aches
and pains
grand plans
for so many poems
but the attention span
to leave as soon as they’re started
is my time blindness
not in the day
but within years?
now that’s what i call
maybeHD
everything last minute
every moment panic
but this is how i was trained
in the trench warfare of
gifted-kid-with-undiagnosed-adhd
late nineties
kipventures 