May 30, 2023

it’s always interesting to me
to see loud queers in the wild.

while it no longer feels as it did in the
early 2000’s—
where each tiny indication
screamed so loudly
but only we could hear;
where acknowledging each other
on the street
seemed a sacred secret
shared by head nods
and the rare smile
at even rarer held hands.

these days there seems to be
more queer
than not queer
(at least here, in nyc)
but there’s still a moment
for rainbow hair
and rainbow Keith Haring button-up
to share
mutual
queer
joy
from across a crowded 1 train
and be completely delighted
by each other
through eye-crinkling smiles
(the kind seen even behind masks)
and hands making heart-shapes,
asl thank you’s,
and waves goodbye.

and i think that’s
beautiful.

February 14, 2023

i haven’t really thought of
Valentine’s Day
in so long.

as a child it merely meant i’d probably get candy
that day
in school
(which, i’ll admit, was pretty cool).

as a teen,
highly aware of my own diverging sexuality,
i only saw loud reinforcements of
heteronormativity
and having that binaried bullshit shoved down my throat.

with Kip, the year they wooed me, they sent four presents
on one Valentine’s
(keep in mind we were not even officially dating at that point)
a song
a string of lights
a website
and origami roses.

and yes, we used to go to the melting pot,
or grab oysters,
or have some sort of dinner;
but COVID and coziness
and now our Valentimes look more like any other time.
but i don’t worry
because we still get excited in the morning to say
“Happy Valentine’s Day!!!”
to each other

January 29, 2023

sappy poems
for new york city bakeries
of a spouse still sitting at home without me
because they’re so good at caring for our
little broken puppy
and i’m off playing as an artiste
the way i’d hoped to be

September 28, 2022

my father warned me
to be careful
with my love,
to not say it
unless i truly meant it,
to dole it out in
parts
because caution
was his motto

i told him i do mean it
fully
every time i tell a friend
those three words
and with the family, too
i give out my love
to those who deserve it
(and yes, some who may not
but still probably need it)
because love is not
a finite resource–
it’s an energy
that bounces around the universe
sparkling through humans
and non-humans alike
(don’t come at me
and don’t tell me dogs
don’t love/
or any pet
for that matter/
or the earth
to continue turning/
and the sun to continue shining/
and the breeze to continue blowing/
even tho we
constantly
take them all for granted
and destroy them like they weren’t
the finite resource
my father tried
to convince me of
with love)

love
is healing
love
is what we need
now
love
can’t fix everything
but it is a
very good
beginning

so
i love you
and i mean it.

(this poem was inspired by
the kinship worldview
a philosophy for living
that most, if not all
Indigenous communities share
and i learned about
from a book
that you should read too,
called “Restoring The Kinship Worldview”
that may give you something
to meditate
about)

June 20, 2022

if every person
is coming from a place
of either love
or fear,
and i am fully committed to love
in my interactions with others,
but i’m so afraid
alone…

does that mean i’m interacting
with myself
solely through
fear?

[where is my love for me?]

May 13, 2022

poets
are supposed to be
sentimental
romantical
(or so society says)
their best works coming
from falling
head over heels over head
over and over and over again
with people/with person/with newfound loving

but i count myself a poet
(as strange as it still feels
internally;
but
you can’t do something
every day
for over a year
and not get to take that label)
and i suppose i feel
sentimental
romantical
but without the drama
without the dire feelings
without the falling/
not knowing/
which way is up/
will there be ground when i fall/
will it cushion or strike/
a final blow/
so/
i feel like my poems aren’t the romantical kind
most people expect

but i’ve had nearly ten years with you,
six of those legally wed
(straight out of a time i thought that’d never be a thing)
(planning a wedding when you don’t know which state
will abate
the legality of your love
is an…interesting experience, to say the least)
and we skipped most societal standards,
no first/second/third date rules,
just us, sharing our personal traumas
amid late night kisses
and early morning apple juice;
a first “date” lasting damn near 24 hours
(and only a previous commitment kept it
from just extending
ad inifinitum
as many sapphic first dates go)

a one night stand
turned to talking
and magnetic-felt pulling
until we collapsed our expectations,
shed our ‘no [new] relationship rules’
and went from officially dating
to quietly engaged
in four months
flat

and each month after
i’ve learned from you
and grown with you,
and we’ve had great times
and incredibly hard times,
quiet times
and a few loud times,
but most of the time
it’s simply
comfortable-being-with-you times.
i love our co-[in]dependence
that we’ve come into on our own terms.
and that year [+] where we could only see each other
was such a welcome gift.
and even though nothing is ever promised,
i can see my future more clearly
with you
than i’ve ever seen it before,
and i know
when we’re ghosts
we’ll finally be able to cuddle the way we want
bypassing physical boundaries
and feeling that closeness we yearn for
in every tight tight hug…

we were wed
6 years ago on this day
so i suppose that’s why
today
i’m feeling
sentimental
[and a bit romantical]
but also
sentimentality sneaks up on me
most days
that i get to see you
across the table from me
working on your programming
while i write stanzas of free-form poetry,
or when we’re apart
and i feel the heartbeat vibration
of my phone telling me it’s you texting me
little words of love
or collections of memes sent as a love language all its own
or getting ready for bedtime
in this house we’ve made a home
with our adorable little family
and the comfort of us
just being
[together]

i’m sentimental for you
in a way i never thought i’d be
and i must admit
i’m grateful for it,
my Kip.

April 24, 2022

we met Louka at a shelter,
and took her home from a petsmart
a few days later,
signing the paperwork,
telling that scared dog that
with us
would be her forever home

we met a puppy yesterday
at a petsmart,
and took her home the same day,
and i brought Louka with me in my heart,
and the puppy rolled around on the ground
the first chance she got
just like Louka loved doing,
and the puppy showed Louka in her tail.
and, blocking out my brain
and only speaking with my heart and gut
i said,
“i love this dog”

so, Computer, with us
is your forever home,
and Louka will always be
watching over and protecting all of us.

~~~

royalty free music
dings and dongs in predictable songs
the cadences rise and fall in ways that satisfy
(but don’t challenge)
the ear
perfect for commercials or elevators or actors’ filmic reels
royalty free
music

~~~

i’ve been
feeling
emoting
crying
weeping
remembering
telling
typing
showing
loving
this past week

and i know this puppy will never replace Louka
(i’d never, ever want that in a million years)
but she is making the grieving process
just a little bit easier.
so, time,
and Computer,
help me remember Louka with fondness and love
rather than with pain and love