Louka the Good Dog

September 5, 2024

/ HJ / Leave a comment

when we first met
kip wasn’t sure
if they’d be able to be with me
long term
because i insited that i
didn’t like
dogs

but as they got to know me,
they saw how much i loved all animals
no matter what, so then they
started to share stories
of dogs being so good
and introducing me
to dogs here and there
and observing
and guiding
until the concept of us getting a dog
was raised, and i said “maybe”
that maybe, after volunteering with a shelter, became a “probably”
and then a “yes” with so many caveats
and then a “yes” with a couple of caveats
and by the time we helped Louka into our lives
those caveats were gone
and now i can’t even say whether i’m a dog or a cat person
in black and white terms
because i love all cats and all dogs
so so so so so so much

and i am so thankful to my kip
and my dogs
for teaching me just how wonderful
dogs are

September 25, 2022

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snickerdoodles
and pumpkin pecan coffee
and spooky tunes
and writing poems
all
for
breakfast

~~~

i know
that it’s not
the same
but seeing our tiny puppy
in pain
reminds me of the stories
parents tell
of seeing their children
hurt
or sick
for the first time
and how frustrating it feels
to be utterly helpless

to not be able to explain to your baby
‘this cough will pass
you just need to rest’
or
‘i can’t magically make you better
even though i give you
every other
necessity
needed
for life’

wanting to do everything
and being able to do nothing
and those eyes asking for the world
which you’d give
in an instant
if you
only
could

~~~

thank you
Louka
for the treats
with the natural pain relief
so this puppy could get excited
about them
instead of concentrating on
her hurt leg
and helping her
sleep
some pain
away

June 5, 2022

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we’ve repurposed a large tupperware container
into where we put all the pieces of paper
and threads of former toys
computer has ripped through
with her sharp puppy teeth
and we call it her art collection
and i love it

we also have
two of her puppy teeth,
molars that fell
outside
rather than down the throat,
and we’re thinking of putting them
in her art jar as well
because she did make them
and they are
art

~~~

the puppy has learned
that the top of the soft crate
can help her see
over the room-fence-divider,
and also
can keep her cool
on hot summer days

(now to see how long
the zippered canvas
will hold her weight
as she grows…)

~~~

Louka
was cat-like
in the way that she was
not very dog-like

Computer
is very cat-like
in many mannerisms
and play-approaches
and active qualities

(the passive
and the active
cat-like qualities)

(meanwhile our cat
is more monkey
than any other creature,
so…)

May 30, 2022

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having
this puppy
makes me wonder
what we missed
about Louka’s puppyhood

(most of the time,
when i thought about Louka’s
sad life before us,
i only thought about her having
all those puppies
and not getting to take care of them.
but Louka had a life before motherhood,
as short as it must have been,
and i do wish i could have seen it;
could have been there
to hear her first whines
turned to yips
turned to barks
as she learned how to use
her big boof tool/
or watched her experience
grass
or rain
or pillows
or blankets
for the first time
and how she might have tested
what they were all about—
would she have bitten them
into submission
like this young Computer dog?
or was it just her big snoof
that would have assessed
what needed to be assessed?)

we think
we saw
a lot of firsts for Louka:
first carpet/
first time in the ocean/
first time on sand/
first time hearing and seeing fireworks/
first time on a waterbed/
first time allowed on a couch/
first time living in a house
with a limitless amount of love
just for her
—and eventually
she experienced her firsts
with a puppy-like curiosity,
but there was a lot/a lot/a lot of fear
at first firsts

but then i remind myself:

thunderstorms
were a big fear
of hers,
[did they remind her
of being stuck outside
in a crate
at the mercy of the elements?]
and she’d shake
and cower
and our hugs didn’t help,
and our thunder-shirts didn’t help,
and the only thing that seemed to calm her nerves
was ‘dog calming music’ playlists,
but by the time
we moved to this house,
(13 years after she was born,
7 years after she came into our lives,)
the few thunderstorms
that she saw here,
she didn’t shake
or cower
or look to the sky with panicked fear—
we didn’t even need the dog calming music;
she knew she was safe
with us.

(and i hope she went into dog heaven
knowing she was safe
without us, too.)

May 17, 2022

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one thing i had forgotten
until i started staring at pictures
from the first few months with Louka
was a word i experienced for the first time
when helping guide her out of her scared dog shell:
Rewarding.

i remember telling folks:
“i never knew what this word meant,
until i spent six months coaxing the first tail wag
out of her”
“i don’t use this term lightly,
but rescuing
and helping a dog grow..
there’s no other word for it.”
“i always thought this was a dumb concept,
but i understand now
when i look at her
loving eyes”

the heart-full feeling
that i was feeling
when saying
“it’s so rewarding”
catches in my throat
and stutters with tears,
both grateful and grieving,
now that she’s gone…

helping Louka was rewarding,
but Louka herself
was such an amazing reward;
i know i’ll never forget that.

April 26, 2022

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last night, Kip had a dream about Louka
and i had a dream about Computer
and they were both pretty good dreams;
nothing special,
just things that we’ve already done:
introducing Louka to babies
(and how calm and good she was with tiny humans)
and playing with Computer and her rope-fox
(and how excited she gets to run around the house and play and play and play).

and i want to dream about Louka,
i want to be able to touch her soft, soft fur again,
and feel her warmth,
stroke her skull,
and flap her ears,
pick up all sixty pounds of her,
run down inclines with her,
and calmly walk up roads,
see her soaking up the sun,
nuzzle my face into her
and soak up her good dog scent,
squeeze her paws,
and have her head rest on top of my leg,
feel her running/dancing legs as she sleeps
and listen to her dream barks.
my heart aches for Louka…

but at the same time, my heart is filled with this tiny puppy,
this little bundle of joy
(behind a very serious face)
this dog so young, she has no idea how to walk on a leash,
but so smart she’s already learned sit, lie down, and high-five
(the trick Louka taught herself),
i love her grumbles as she pulls at her toys,
and her whines as she stares at the cat
wanting so desperately to meet/play with her
(the cat is not at all ready,
yet),
i love how much this puppy destroys things
with her sharp puppy teeth
and how goofy she acts
when given ice cubes
(the only way Louka would get water sometimes),
and there’s a lot of things that seem like we’re
picking up where Louka left off,
but enough things are so damn different
with this tiny puppy
that it feels so cleansing.

i don’t know how my heart does it,
holds so much pain and grief
and yet so much love and newness
at the exact same time,
but my heart feels so achey
and so full.

and i thank both Louka and Computer
(and Mowgli for the interim/her bedtime cuddles/her insistent meows
so i pay attention to her and not the sadness)
and my Kip
for balancing me out
always.

April 25, 2022

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dreams
of memories
of happy times
(and sad)
of the task still yet to be fulfilled
(the telling of all the neighbors
that Louka
is gone)

but yes, this puppy makes things
ever so slightly easier

and this morning i told her
“you know, Louka was surrounded by so much love
and you are too, now, in this house
yes, there is a ton of sadness still inside
but there is
so
much
love
for you,
Computer”

~~~

i’m more awake
than i have been
in days
(perhaps weeks)
and yet
i know not
at all
what i’d like to write
(or what’s in my brain
that needs to get out)

this afternoon will be
one week
without Louka,
our love,
but 48 hours with Computer,
a new source
for all the love
that had nowhere to go,
and i’ve been writing so much
about all these emotions
but i’m sure i have others;
anxiety is still there
as is depression
as is freedom when flying for circus
as is annoyance when walking through tourist areas of nyc
(how do non-new yorkers walk so damn slow
and
take up the entirety of the sidewalk???)
and perhaps i can add accomplishment
to my listing of emotions
if i actually write some emails
and catch up with some professionals today
so i can say
i’ve kept up with my career
though i’ve been in mourning
and training,
in saying goodnight
and nice to meet you,
and getting to know this new creature
and grieving and grieving and grieving…

i know i needed this past week
to wallow
to be swallowed
by all the emotions that swelled up inside
by giving my whole heart to a four-legged creature
for the last nearly 8 years of my life,
to feel the sadness as it needed to be felt
(instead of ignoring/working through/putting off the whole process
like i’ve always done
that’s always felt so unhealthy)
(did Louka teach us more than just how to be good dog parents?
did she also teach us how to fully deal with loss?)

and yes, one week is not enough,
Louka was such a good dog,
such an important dog,
such a special, unique, kind, gentle, dog,
such my dog
that i’m sure i’ll feel her memories
presence
and a sadness at her physically not being close
for the rest of my life,
but letting it consume me
in a way that felt like loss,
not like regret,
was a lesson i’ll keep with me
forever.

what a good dog.

~~~

i’ve simply been writing things
as they come
as they come up
as i’m overtaken
and i haven’t done much editing
or revising
before placing my thought-stream
onto the poetry-blog

and i hope this is what i need right now
(it sure seems like it is,
otherwise
why would i be doing it?)

April 24, 2022

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we met Louka at a shelter,
and took her home from a petsmart
a few days later,
signing the paperwork,
telling that scared dog that
with us
would be her forever home

we met a puppy yesterday
at a petsmart,
and took her home the same day,
and i brought Louka with me in my heart,
and the puppy rolled around on the ground
the first chance she got
just like Louka loved doing,
and the puppy showed Louka in her tail.
and, blocking out my brain
and only speaking with my heart and gut
i said,
“i love this dog”

so, Computer, with us
is your forever home,
and Louka will always be
watching over and protecting all of us.

~~~

royalty free music
dings and dongs in predictable songs
the cadences rise and fall in ways that satisfy
(but don’t challenge)
the ear
perfect for commercials or elevators or actors’ filmic reels
royalty free
music

~~~

i’ve been
feeling
emoting
crying
weeping
remembering
telling
typing
showing
loving
this past week

and i know this puppy will never replace Louka
(i’d never, ever want that in a million years)
but she is making the grieving process
just a little bit easier.
so, time,
and Computer,
help me remember Louka with fondness and love
rather than with pain and love

April 23, 2022

/ HJ / Leave a comment

breathe through
the pain
and the guilt
and the hard moments of missing
and soak in
the memories
and the change in yourself
you’ve seen
over the last 7.75 years

she taught you
well
how to be a good dog parent
and you taught her
well
how to see she was already
such a good dog

~~~

Kip writing down
all the memories
of Louka
is such a sweet thing
and has helped them

i don’t think i’m in a place
just yet
to write my memories
without weeping
(and that’s ok;
Kip’s words have such a beautiful balance
of intrigue
and comedy,
even in the saddest of parts
there is still so much humor there,
as gentle as the dog was)
so Kip can [and should] have their moments
with memories
and prose
and i can talk through poems
and photos
piecing together my remembrances
pixel by pixel
and ponderment by ponderment
and we are each grieving
and remembering
in our own ways
and loving
in that way
that is so very Kip;
wholeheartedly
(just like i wanted)

~~~

oh boy
the tears
they seep out
of my sockets
with only a half second’s warning

and they feel
today
like good tears.

April 22, 2022

/ HJ / Leave a comment

even though
it’s getting slightly easier
every day,
it sure is hard.

~~~

trying to write
about not Louka
(not because i don’t want to write about her,
but because i know
i’ll just let myself write about her
and be sad
for p much
the rest of my life
(/or i’ll write for so long
that the first day i do end up writing
about not her
i’ll feel so guilt-ridden
it’ll eat me from
the inside-out)

but i suppose i should appreciate
and admit
that she still is on my mind
and will be
for a long, long time,
and grief will be there
for almost as long,
and the best thing to do
for her memory
and my own sanity
is not to force
any
thing
(the forced stopping
is probably as bad as
the forced continuation
of poems solely about
Louka the Good Dog)

so, please, forgive me
as i ride this roller coaster of emotions,
the highs of the silly memories
and the lows of the guilt
of needing to make the choice for her
and her failing body
to let her go
across the Rainbow Bridge/
up to Dog Heaven/
transition to the next life/
the next body/
whatever happens
next,

and Louka,
please know,
our love is with you
always.

~~~

there are certain things
we haven’t done yet
and continue to not be able to do:

long walks
around the neighborhood,
meandering around
these streets/
up to the college/
saying hi to everyone else
walking,
taking the side path
from the backyard/door
to the front
(our path with Louka
because stairs weren’t great
for her old arthritis legs),
having bagels for breakfast again…

but there are some things
we are starting to do,
tentatively,
still with the presence of
Louka
in mind:
yesterday i tried to nap,
and though the cat is not quite as great
of a nap buddy
as the dog was,
she still stayed with me
until i drifted off to sleep
at least once,
and today we are listening to music
in the morning
once more
(though apparently it’s easier
to have music we’ve never heard before),
but it’s all still very hard
but we’ll make it through
with those memories of Louka
with us.