wearing my Grandmama’s jean jacket shirt,
the one that was probably too big for her, too,
with a stain on the pocket that she hid with some cool embroidery —
a design around the initial she went by
[her full name was “Mary Jane” but she went by “Jane”
for as long as any of us can remember]
and because i’ve started going by my initials,
i knew i could easily add a little “H” on one side
and a little “F” on the other of this giant “J”
and it would look intentional, like the rest of the design,
and i could claim this as my own —
and wear it not as a hand-me-down
from the Grandmama where i got my middle name, but as a
continuation of the lineage
of Jane
and J
and the art of embroidery
and family
and everything…
loss
June 11, 2024
cool
cool
make me feel worse
about myself
about my quirks/my faults/my worst
habits and have them describe my whole self
awesome
perfect
exactly what i wanted from my one close family member
left
December 23, 2023
as the numbers steadily approach
24
the day in december i used to see your face
every year
[along with others
along with others]
my heart hiccups
as i think about seeing you
and remembering i can’t,
not in its living form anymore
it’s a lost loss
one from far away
but so closely held in both of our hearts
you wrote so many letters
to so many people
but you always managed to write to me
and make me feel like i was the only one
i love you i loved you i love you
[this poem has no end
because grief
goes on and on]
April 25, 2022
dreams
of memories
of happy times
(and sad)
of the task still yet to be fulfilled
(the telling of all the neighbors
that Louka
is gone)
but yes, this puppy makes things
ever so slightly easier
and this morning i told her
“you know, Louka was surrounded by so much love
and you are too, now, in this house
yes, there is a ton of sadness still inside
but there is
so
much
love
for you,
Computer”
~~~
i’m more awake
than i have been
in days
(perhaps weeks)
and yet
i know not
at all
what i’d like to write
(or what’s in my brain
that needs to get out)
this afternoon will be
one week
without Louka,
our love,
but 48 hours with Computer,
a new source
for all the love
that had nowhere to go,
and i’ve been writing so much
about all these emotions
but i’m sure i have others;
anxiety is still there
as is depression
as is freedom when flying for circus
as is annoyance when walking through tourist areas of nyc
(how do non-new yorkers walk so damn slow
and
take up the entirety of the sidewalk???)
and perhaps i can add accomplishment
to my listing of emotions
if i actually write some emails
and catch up with some professionals today
so i can say
i’ve kept up with my career
though i’ve been in mourning
and training,
in saying goodnight
and nice to meet you,
and getting to know this new creature
and grieving and grieving and grieving…
i know i needed this past week
to wallow
to be swallowed
by all the emotions that swelled up inside
by giving my whole heart to a four-legged creature
for the last nearly 8 years of my life,
to feel the sadness as it needed to be felt
(instead of ignoring/working through/putting off the whole process
like i’ve always done
that’s always felt so unhealthy)
(did Louka teach us more than just how to be good dog parents?
did she also teach us how to fully deal with loss?)
and yes, one week is not enough,
Louka was such a good dog,
such an important dog,
such a special, unique, kind, gentle, dog,
such my dog
that i’m sure i’ll feel her memories
presence
and a sadness at her physically not being close
for the rest of my life,
but letting it consume me
in a way that felt like loss,
not like regret,
was a lesson i’ll keep with me
forever.
what a good dog.
~~~
i’ve simply been writing things
as they come
as they come up
as i’m overtaken
and i haven’t done much editing
or revising
before placing my thought-stream
onto the poetry-blog
and i hope this is what i need right now
(it sure seems like it is,
otherwise
why would i be doing it?)
kipventures 