December 18, 2025

this puppy
is so damn cute
i cannot handle it
i cannot handle it

playing with the squeaker of a long-gone toy
placing it gently in my hand
and nudging it forward
for me to throw

and the utter delight as she scrambles
on all of her feeties
trying to catch the squeaker as it bounces
unevenly
across the floor

or the container from yesterday’s dog ice cream
handing it off to me
in order to play tug
or just lick it some more
getting the last little bits of flavor
out from the waxed cardboard

or just laying on the ground
and looking up at me
with her giant, beautiful, trusting, dark-rimmed
puppy dog eyes
and white eyebrows
[evolutionarily placed there
just so her species
could mimic mine]
and i don’t always know what she’s thinking
but i know she’s trying to communicate with me
with little
stomps of her feet
or half-breathy boofs
or a hesitant wag of her tail
or just a side-look
and my heart melts
and i am putty for her
because she is putty for me
and we collapse into each other
enjoying being
puppy and human
and not too dissimilar
for a moment
in time

November 2, 2025

getting up
getting ready
taking the puppy on a walk
sitting down to write
or eat
or prepare for the day

then going about the day
which could be any number of things:

circus
or
a script reading
or
teaching aerial to children
or
grand jury these days
[but only for four more days]
or
[and these are the days i miss]
just chilling at home
kissing the puppy
cuddling with the cat
taking a nap
doing some household chores
taking whatever time i want to take
and
maybe
writing a little more

[when will i get time
to be creative
throughout my days
again?]

October 12, 2025

another night
of waking up at 1/2/3/4 in the morning
to stress
to discomfort
to the panic at the state of the world
and the state of my mind
and this would all be fine
if i could just
fall back
to sleep
like i so recently used to

but apparently i’m back to
high school
college
teenage
early 20’s hj
where i struggle to fall asleep
and i struggle to stay asleep
and every moment i wish i was asleep
i panic about not getting enough sleep
and everything
always feels
so much
worse
in the nighttime

i considered waking kip up
to talk with them
hold them
have them hold me
to see
if having someone right there with me
would be any help at all
and i think, if i had panicked myself any harder
any more
any longer
i might have

but somehow
i finally
fell back
to sleep

how did i survive damn near a decade
like this???

[i was miserable the whole time
that’s how]

[i don’t want to be that miserable
again]

October 7, 2025

i hope i never lose my fascination
with other people

my deep-hearted desire
to understand others,
to hear about their lives and endeavors,
even when i don’t understand them —

listening to info-dumps
and rants about favorite hobbies
or points of interest
or simply stories of personal past histories

i adore being invited into strangers’ lives
[even when the stranger is one
i’ve shared a life with — their pasts are still
unknown to me and my life,

and being invited in, no matter how distant
feels so intimate]

i write this from the perspective
of trying to tell my own father
about my life
and what’s important to me
and seeing/hearing/feeling him
get antsy from
not caring
if he can’t
understand
or relate

and it breaks
my heart

i never want to make anyone else feel like this way

i hope everyone feels invited
to share their passions
with me

even
/
especially
if i don’t “get it”

[i adore learning new things,
and connection
above all]

October 5, 2025

i got
a sudden sad
yesterday

appearing out of
[seemingly]
nowhere, bubbling up to my eyes
hot with unexpected tears
all of a sudden
filling
overflowing
dripping down my
sad sad face
as i searched for something
to take the pain even slightly
away

and my kip was there to hold me
[the only thing that ever truly helps]
and jiggle/wiggle me around
to make me laugh some of the tears away

and the puppy was there to nuzzle into my face
and dry up the dripped tears with her fur

and the cat was there
to confuse my sadness away
when she tried to lick the inside of my
recently emptied coffee mug

but later

kip was on the couch
slowly melting to prone
as the weight of the news
read from the phone
crushed them down
gravity invading their bones
until they couldn’t move anymore

and i had used up all my personal stock of
any sort of ‘light at the end of the
fascist
tunnel’ feeling to wipe my eyes
and continue the laundry that needed
to be done,
so i couldn’t be there for my kip
as they had just been there for me
experiencing the same sadness
i had just
felt

this is a horrible timeline

why can’t people
[in power]
just
be
kind?

May 18, 2025

hiding
or fighting
a fascist dictatorship

a takeover of/from
what once called itself
the paradigm of democracy

and we the people
somehow
voted this power-monger in

[though, with wealth, it’s easy enough
to turn the tides of an election
with tactics on either side
of the line of
voter fraud]

but what do we do
when our numbers mean so little
against media takeovers and social distractions
and virtue signaling and in-fighting?

a revolution is at hand
but the powerful seem to have control
over literally everything

[we’ve been here before —
we, as a species —
perhaps the technology is new,
but i’m certain
i’m certain
the despair and feeling of powerlessness
has all happened
and will all happen
again
and again
and again and again and again
because humans hunger for power
almost as much as they hunger for community

it’s just
will we learn
from our past

or not?]

May 15, 2025

perhaps you wake up one day
and the sky is purple instead of blue

still the same brightness — no sunrise or sunset vibes
making the change, though many things may adjust
from your point of view — like are you near a body of water?
look at it, it’ll reflect the sky, and you’ll realize
in that moment, that the ocean is not, in fact, blue,
or even any color on its own,
but a simple showing back of
the sky above it

but

no one else remarks on the suddenness of the purple in the sky
and when you see a game show with simple questions
or shadow your niece’s kindergarten class
the correct answer to “what color is the sky”
is “purple!” every time

so what now?

do you ask someone about it?
do you try to sleep it off?

do you check your own kindergarten worksheets
dug up and pulled down from your parents’ house’s attic?
there, in your own handwriting, is “purple”
and even poems you wrote ages ago
where you rhymed “blue” with “true” at the end of a stanza
put forth the same rhyme scheme, but with purple in the middle
“the sky’s purple hue/makes my heart beat true”
and it works
better than
“blue”

do you take this to your therapist
crossing your fingers behind your body
that it won’t be enough to get you committed
again?

how long has your reality strayed from everyone else’s?

is everyone else under an illusion now?
were you picking up nonreality for twenty-seven years?

why
why
why
is this happening?
to you?

you wait

and perhaps

you never get an answer…

March 31, 2025

Trans Day of
Visibility
Trans Day of
Being
Trans Day
of Moving
of Growing
of Expanding
of Transcending
all expectations
and irrational rules
that the rulers of our society
deem
“right” only by way of
following
and not questioning
and having our heads down
as lambs in line for slaughter

but our Black Sheep
our Trans Sheep
our Questioning
Querying
Queers
who force others to ask
“Why”
of those usurpers of power
when only faced with the fact of our Existence

and though that scares some into
violence,
Trans Day of
Power
reminds us that
Simply our State of Being is enough
to topple regimes that seem to have been around for ages
[but hundreds of years is nothing
in the grand scheme of our
Existence]

Trans Day of
Millennia
upon Millennia
of our History

Trans Day of
The People

Trans Day of
Reminding Ourselves that when we feel
attacked
and disempowered
and scared
we have All of our
Ancestors
behind us

Trans Day of
Visibility

today might be
a terrifying day
[especially in the u.s. of a.]
to be Visible
to be Trans
when we are the scapegoat
of all that seems to be
the system
breaking

but Trans Day of
Enlightenment
Trans Day
of Knowing
that every
Trans Day
of
Visibility
only makes our Magic
More Apparent

We Are
Sacred

and We Have Always Fought For
Everyone’s
Liberation

March 20, 2025

i
often listen to podcasts
[more often than not]
and some of them i cannot stand
until and unless
they are sped
up
up
and away i run, blocking out my own thoughts
with speeds set to
increase
my own
anxieties

but when i slow down
and try
[i do try]
to listen at a show’s natural pace,
i find my heart pounding
waiting
each millisecond
for the next sound to be heard
like my own brain and body
accrue more anxiety
from normalness
and anticipation
than from the sped-up versions
of life

so
do i live in the moments
between moments
where time seems to extend
ad-infinitum
and unbearably so,
or do i continue to block out intuitions
and worry that my life
is speeding past my eyes
at an unrecognizable rate?

i don’t know
i don’t know

March 12, 2025

i really don’t know
what i should be doing
when all is in limbo
and my mind flails out for
something
anything to do —
if i should be going out for roles
clearing out those spiderwebs and
putting my acting brain to task

if i should be writing more
and speaking up against power
with the words my fingertips
help me find
morning after morning after morning

if i should be using my body
in the ways i’ve learned
so recently — power in muscles
consistently picking up my own bodyweight
for fun
for art
for staying fit
in imminent societal collapse

but when i can’t figure out what i should do
i tend to mend things that need mending;
i darn my own and my spouse’s socks,
i close up a hole the puppy has torn in her
cheaply-made and roughly-loved toy,
i patch up jeans
and other pants,
and make art out of scraps,
and maybe that’s the “should” in all this
uncertainty —

make sure we
are not as beholden to consumerism
as we very well could be