long poem day

March 31, 2026

/ HJ / Leave a comment

i am visibly queer
i am visibly queer
sometimes i wish i was more
visibly trans
but other folks have their ideas
of what nonbinary-ness “should” look like
and, while androgyny is fun for some occasions
and wardrobe vestments
i think it leaves something to be desired
[i.e. imagination]
to have the only way to be
not taken in by either gender
is to cultivate a look that is “in between”
[but more often masculine, because that’s the
“default” in a patriarchal society, and i’m not playing out my gender
to play into society, i’m outing myself as a way to
get my way
the fuck
out
of
society]

[but i digress]

i am visibly queer
to allow other trans and queer folks
to see me
and know they’re
not alone

i’m visibly queer
because it makes me feel
the most at home
in my own skin
and my own identity

i’m visibly queer
also as a form of
solidarity
to those friends around me
who cannot turn off
or cover up
the melanin in their skin
or the angle of their eyes
or the accent with which they speak
or even my fellow trans folks who could not sit silently
in uncomfortable skin, so then
spent years making their own gender expression
just for some ass to say they don’t “pass” the way
that one person expects them to…

i cannot sit by while my compatriots in this fight against hate
have no ability to run away from or hide or go stealth inside
the exact parts of themselves that others
would attack them for

so why should i hide my own
queerness?

i need to stand tall
in my weird fashion and buzzed sides and rainbow hair
and loud loud queerness echoing from inside
this is me and i represent me
and i represent all who can’t or don’t feel safe being as visibly themselves
as i can be

and i can be

so i am

i am visibly queer
because i can be

i am visibly queer
because i am

and that is all that matters.

the end.

March 29, 2026

/ HJ / Leave a comment

i keep so many things
stuck
huddled up
on the outside

hidden
on my sleeve

i think part of this reprieve
helps everyone but me

[how do i know what’s going on
in my own mind
if i can never find
the emotions and thoughts there?]

or

or

or

am i so disconnected
[head to heart to body]
that it seems like everything is external to me?

and if somehow
some way
i could simply connect
myself
to myself
i might see
all the emotions and thoughts
i thought i had hidden away
externally

they’ve all been part of me
this
whole
damn
time

[maybe]

March 17, 2026

/ HJ / Leave a comment

there are so many things i’d like to be doing
at all hours
of every day

writing

sewing

creating

flying

hanging out with friends

organizing my bookshelf

contemplating the mysteries of the world and the universe

and/or

just cuddling with my spouse and our animals

but i must participate
[albeit lightly]
in capitalism
and this country
[no matter how much i disagree
with so much of it
fundamentally]

and that includes having commutes
where many of my hobbies
cannot come out
and
an end of the day mind-numbing
exhaustion need that can sometimes only
be fed by silly stardew valley video games
and
a constant reminder in my head that
if i can’t make money off of a hobby
it’s not worth investing in
and
i hate that last brainwashing bit most of all

hobbies are hobbies for hobbies’ sake

i could tell you the benefits to heart and mind health
and creativity and the like
but
that gets us farther away from the point
which is that being alive
is about being alive
and sometimes we just gotta vibe
with the aliveness
that we have
and make a little shitty drawing
that makes us smile while we’re doing it
and makes a friend smile when they receive it

that’s what living is all about

[not capitalism
not capitalism
not capitalism]

March 8, 2026

/ HJ / Leave a comment

the rapture didn’t come like how we’d been taught

we thought
standing around
perhaps asleep
perhaps in prayer
we’d
just be levitated from our bodies
up
and up
and up to heaven
instantaneous
immediate
immaculate

but the rapture took so damn long

trekking from old homes to new ones
each more dilapidated
less clean
than the last

there was very little sleep
and even less prayer
towards the end
crossing borders
swept into vans
when least expected
[i suppose at least that one
was instantaneous
and immediate]
[but the insides of those vans
could hardly be called
immaculate]

and now here i am
being told that this final step
is the real rapture

but haven’t i been told that
for each step of the way

i’m starting to stray from my faith

and this tiny cup of gross-smelling liquid
barely coated by some sickly sweet scent
over top of it…
i thought the rapture was something that would happen to me
but it looks like i happen to it
i control it
but maybe
just maybe
i’m sick of all this rapturing

maybe i wanna try my luck, after all this time, with the heathens

February 25, 2026

/ HJ / Leave a comment

i am sitting
i am writing
i have nothing i need to be doing
at this exact moment
[plenty i should be doing
whenever i have the time]
but the animals are fed
and the kips are being watered
[by tea and coffee and actual water]
and i am trying something new
with my writing time

perhaps this could be a thing i do
every morning page morning

[but the point is to not plan
the point is not to plan
the point is not
the future

it is

now]

take stock in what is in this moment
the snow falling in big, fluffy flakes outside
the forced air heat in the kitchen blowing
the ambient music twanging from
our labeled “d20 speaker” so named for the
neon sign it is placed above

i take a sip of coffee
for the taste
but i probably should be sipping my water
for the hydration
for there’s a tickle in my throat
that i don’t know where it came from
[could have been passed to me,
could be the dry air around me
could be my allergy affecting me
in a whole different way this time]

the rumble of a plane
so low and loud both kips glance out the window
but it’s gone now

kip in their keith haring sweatshirt

me in my cozy yellow and black plaid sweater

the puppy, who devoured her breakfast, laying down right next to my chair

the cat is…somewhere…

and the music that has just come on is one i know from a film or something
and i am going to look to see what it’s called/who it’s by
so i can remember for the future
[though this poem is not about the future]
experience by ludovico einaudi
which i know from something in my past
that i can never quite remember
[but this poem is not about the past]

and i’ve already surpassed my word count goal
with only one [experimental-ish] poem
but this poem is not about the goals
or anything but
this moment

there are parts of thoughts in my head
that spin around endlessly
that go too fast for even me to see
and there’s another part of my mind
that is so damn quiet sometimes
that i don’t actually know
if there’s anything going on there
and perhaps they are both one in the same
that the fast thoughts go so fast
the blur makes them seem
nonexistent

[can ones own mind be too fast for even that person to catch up?
it seems counterintuitive
but also, we know so little about the human brain
and how thoughts and souls actually work
and we may never
but this poem is not about our own knowledge
or about what we may someday find
this poem is about finding
exactly what’s happening
in this
now]

the problem with an experimental poem
about the moment
is that the moment keeps going
so there is no concise way to end
other than just
stopping.

February 5, 2026

/ HJ / Leave a comment

perhaps we’re living on the edge

perhaps the space age is actually coming
and the future will be so much brighter
than this tragic darkness we’re currently enduring
and our art will be the stuff of legends
of how we got out from under
fascist strong arms
and authoritarian ties
and everything will turn out
alright
in the end

i’m hopeful
but not expectful
because i know how these “governments” work
and we are facing a long
long
long
long
long trek ahead
[even a flashy fast apocalypse
would be welcomed more
than this slow descending trend
towards the end]

but as much as i see each moment
as if it’ll be viewed in history
i do not have the foresight of the future
i cannot know exactly what direction we’re taking
until it’s already been
taken

so i’ll simply say this:

continue fighting
whether the end is in sight
or not — perhaps your words will inspire
the next artist
to write

and on and on we inspire
and write
and fight

until the light actually
comes blazing
through.

February 4, 2026

/ HJ / Leave a comment

systems
flow
in and out
up and down
powerful
and powerless

and in the grand scheme of things
it can all seem like a game

[maybe that’s why gods are so often portrayed
as being so fickle
because they can’t feel the day to day
gravity
of reality
for each
individual
mortal]

[how was i blessed with the scope of an omniscient being
with the reality
of day to day
living
and suffering
surviving
and dying
and rather than putting my perspectives to good use
i am simply
ground to a
halt

frozen
in fear of
reality
and knowing
my own life and impact
is but a fraction
of nothing
in the grand scheme of the universe]

if only i
were a god

if only
there were
a god

January 19, 2026

/ HJ / Leave a comment

is there going to be a time
sometime
soon
where we look at all this newfangled technology
as so tragically
backwoods
backwards
and slow

it’s gotta be
it’s gonna happen
that’s just the way of the world

but i want to know if there was ever a time
where we looked upon the new thing
sometime
later
and felt it wasn’t as great a thing
as it was originally made out to be

there have always been
moral panics about
well, anything and everything really

when people read books too much
they weren’t paying attention
to life
and living

when people spent too much time on the phone
the connection was cheapened

music
is against
godliness

etc

etc

etc

but i feel so many people my age
are looking at the internet
not as bringing something that haunts us as a hysteria
but bringing with it actual
worse
life
living

[and it is those of us who were there in the digital trenches,
who thought the internet was the dawn of a
great new age,
who extolled the powers of social media
for keeping us in contact with people
we very likely would have lost touch with,

we are the ones having doubts
second guessing our own excitement.]

[i feel like the only comparable moment would be
a failed city/state
with a governmental system
that didn’t do
what it said it would]

[but then, wouldn’t those who wanted it
dig their heels in
harder
as the numbers and examples and proof
overwhelmed the senses;
haven’t people always clung harder to the “facts”
that are provably
wrong
with
every
moment
of
proof?]

so what age are we in?

or am i in the minority
as i sit here, annoyed with and worried about
ai
and the state of the internet in general?

but believe me when i say
i do not
want to go back to a “simpler time”

moving forward is good

often technology is great

it is the shareholders and capitalism and consumerism that’s making these things
so terrible
upon release
and as they
continue to
exist

[the vulture class just gives a bad name
to vultures]

January 17, 2026

/ HJ / Leave a comment

distract yourself with crimson glaze
with pink chiffon
with aesthetics and
art

[is art a distraction?
or is it a human need?]

[or is distraction itself
sometimes
a need?]

[i don’t know
i don’t know
i try to speak for
the entirety of the human race
but so few of them make any sense
to my own senses
that i’m simply trying to
live life
i’m simply trying to
continue to
want to live life
keep life
going
i’m simply trying to
try
sometimes
not even all the time
just
sometimes
sometimes sometimes
sometimes be my own human self
sometimes try to speak for
those in the human race that today’s humanity
seems to leave behind
sometimes try to
connect with others
in a way that
raises both parties up
from one level of existence
to another
greater
kinder
more enlightened
not to be better than others
but to carry everyone
with us — if i share enlightenment with three people
and each of them share with
three more
how long until we have all of humanity
together
and looking out for
each other?]

this rambling poem
is to say
as much as i feel like i
will never understand the
rest of the human race, i keep making art
for them for them for them
for the connection to get to know them
and have them know me

i can’t help it

that’s part of living as/with
humanity

January 3, 2026

/ HJ / Leave a comment

i sit here
pining and whining
and wishing and wanting
to call myself
a writer

and i know
i know
my goodness i know
that i am a writer
as soon as i write
and i sit down every morning
and compose poem
after poem
after poem

but this desire is different

i want to create whole worlds with
the tip of my finger/pen/brain
i want to carry an audience on
a whole-ass journey and lead them
from beginning
to middle
to end

what i’m saying is

i wish to write prose
story
script
screenplay
novel
novella
creative essay
anything
i could even do it in poetry
if it felt right
but all i write
are these tiny windows into my own soul
and morning
while day
and night
i have epics unfolding inside me
and the minute i dedicate
a minute
or hour
or day
to getting it down
on paper/document/screen/anything
my skill with words seems
so
elementary
so
amateurish
so
trying too hard and getting not far at all
and i give up after
a page
a paragraph
a word

but the want

it remains