i wish i had a longer fuse
or understood how to deal with the concept of
actual siblings
or something
to make me less
full of stress
when kip’s family comes to visit
i wish i had a longer fuse
or understood how to deal with the concept of
actual siblings
or something
to make me less
full of stress
when kip’s family comes to visit
original plans
were a rush
(similar to the original plans
to arrive)
but i’m being gentler on myself;
i’m allowing myself the option
to be late for things
(so long as notice is given ahead of time)
and to miss things
(again, if i make folks aware)
these are classes
they are for me,
i have paid for them
and can do with them what i choose,
i am not forever barring any potential job
if i am fully communicative
and give advanced notice
and arrive prepared when i do arrive.
because we’ve seen too much
devestation
and death
in our short lifespans
than is probably good for the mental health
so i can’t justify
freaking out
about making every single appointment
when sometimes
you need to drive a little slower in the hurricane rains
or wake up a little later
to get [as close as possible to] that full night’s rest
and have plenty of time to say goodbye
to your fam
and relax
(as much as your anxiety-riddled mind will let you)
so that you can soak up
all the lessons
in the audio-book playing
and dog sleeping
and spouse-chatting
and your own mind wandering
and wondering
and planning
and conceptualizing
and safely driving
to get to your destination
of
back
Home.
this chocolate muffin
is
hitting the spot
just right
tonight
(nah, it’s morning,
just kidding)
and there’s a gorgeous gnome
just beside me
lips painted
a stunning shade of red
to match the hat
and the coffee i’m drinking
may not taste subtly of blueberries
or vanilla from France
(is that what French vanilla actually is?)
but it is coffee,
it is caffeinated,
and apparently
this morning
what i needed more than anything
was hella sugary breakfasts
and hella caffeinated coffee
and a gorgeous gnome beside me.
flowers in the garden
made of plastic bottles and spray paint
and a healthy dose of in-law bonding
those who
decide to
or decide not to
have actually made a decision
those of us who
stay in the middle
are doomed to
stay in the middle
~~~
it’s always interesting
to be clued into
another family’s drama.
i’ve only ever been privy
to a few sets of families
but whenever it happens
i feel like an uninvited audience member
to a preview
where the actors aren’t ready
and break character
more than they stay in
and no matter how much i try to tell myself
they’ve invited me here
i’m a part of the family now
i’ve married in
legally
i’m in
i still can’t help
but feel as though
i’m
intruding.
~~~
now i’m becoming worried
of writing too much
of being too real
too honest
for this little experimental experiment blog
when
when
when
did i switch from feeling too fake
and too impersonal
and wanting to be more honest?
[is it just the subject matter i’m worried about???]