welcome, me,
i say to myself, out loud
because i can’t seem to
get on my own side
without making it a show
for someone
else
[that feels like an important lesson to have sink in]
welcome, me,
i say to myself, out loud
because i can’t seem to
get on my own side
without making it a show
for someone
else
[that feels like an important lesson to have sink in]
pondering philosophies —
i wonder why i
seem to flounder when it comes to
strong opinions and staunch stances
but that’s just from the inside
if i zoom out, i realize
i do have a very strong morality —
a constant running baseline
that i live my life by:
kindness
and if i zoom out a little further,
i can see how living my life
with so much pressure and hatred towards myself
is in direct opposition to my main focal philosophy…
perhaps
perhaps
perhaps
i need to be kind to myself
in order to feel more like
the myself i would like
to be
dance, for me, was never a release
or an expression of self
[at least before i found circus]
it was always what my body was doing “wrong”
what i needed to “fix” in movement
or appearance
it was so much about “looking”
rather than being
and living
but i’ve been working as a paid backup dancer
for a few months now,
and, granted, this isn’t the most professional
or well-funded endeavor
i’ve ever
been on
or seen,
but
it’s given me
such a whole new perspective
on how healing
and expressive
and giving
dance can actually be
[even though i’m still so critique-y
when i see
what my body does
naturally…
i suppose we all have
something
to work on —
whether it’s flexibility
or a better turn-out
or our own perceptions of self —
we can always be better
and
we can always be kinder
even to ourselves]
[i may have talked about this before, but]
inspirations
affirmations
declarations
don’t really work for me
there is a huge gap between where i am now
(in the process of deconstructing decades of feeling completely worthless)
to the exact point of an affirmation
(“you are enough”)
or a positive reminder
(“be kinder to yourself”)
but through therapy
and tiktok
and queer acting class
i’ve learned that i can nudge myself away from the black and white thinking
and into the essence of these inspirations
through simple wording choices:
what if statements
(“what if i am enough”)
[look at that, too,
my example phrasing changed from a ‘you’ to an ‘i’
because it felt so much more accessible this way]
and similarly with permission instead of declaration
(“i am allowed to be kinder to myself”)
and no, it’s not fixing everything right away,
i didn’t find these work-arounds and immediately feel
completely
mentally
emotionally
healthy,
but it’s a way to start accessing that healing towards a health
that always felt so far away
why
even
try
[now i can try!]