i’m so curious
if it’s a universal experience
to have a tiny internal voice
constantly telling you all the things
you’ve done wrong
or just are
that are wrong
day in and day out
and as one grows, it doesn’t go away
it simply is able to be drowned out a bit more
and a bit more
with the experiences and knowledge and
voices of loved ones
or if that’s only a universal experience
of those of us with depression and/or anxiety
thoughts?
we each have inside ourselves
a whole universe
of old inside jokes
and references to references
and stories we need for context
for other stories
and when meeting people
i don’t know if i’d be able to catch up on
everything
but i can at least see the most up-to-date moments
and stories
and get some highlights
and context
and i love that about people
[everyone has so many stories to tell]
~
that whole poem came out of
the concept of
“the hj cinematic universe”
[for context]
explore
and
expedite
every
human
experience
that’s the kips
that’s the kips
wanting to suck the marrow out of life
not miss out on one thing
but also
to achieve and advance in
the quickest amount of time
possible
like it’s a race
like it’s a contest
can the kips achieve
the
full human experience
by the time they hit
45?
[can the kips understand
that not every experience can be
caught, some are fleeting, and some
literally cannot happen until
old age is actually gotten]
[can the kips admit that
every human life is different
even
each other’s?]
i still have a tendency to downplay things i’m excited about
to not get fully
actually
excited about them
because what if something happens
and i’m no longer able to do the thing
i was so damn
excited about?
the roller coaster of emotions
from so stoked
to so damn devastated
is one i’ve experienced
more times than i’d care to have experienced
it is an emotional roller coaster
that i do not
want to ride
ever again
but
isn’t part of living
experiencing emotions?
the good and bad and devastating
the excitement and disappointment
and even boredom
are all part of the human experience
and isn’t that all i’ve ever longed for:
an experience and an understanding
of being
human?
writing about things
about losing
and possibly gaining
[about gaming the system
that seems incapable of collapsing
without dire consequences]
about consequential
and inconsequential
choices
for our own choices
will always always always bring
something
to our own lives
but in the grand schemes of planets and universes and stars
what is one
human’s
mistake
[what is one species’
constant
blunder?]
every day
i learn something new
or see something in a way i
never knew to look at
and perhaps that’s the point of being human
or at least the point
of calling myself
a poet
the everyday tasks
of being alive
[why is feeding one’s body so much more important
in our society
than feeding one’s soul?]
impart my own passions to me
and i’ll show you how cheap food can taste
when it is only for the nourishment
of keeping oneself alive
[i, along with every human deep down, wish more to
Thrive]
i’ve ignored the outside
for too long
for not long enough
it’s still impacting me
it’s still making its way inside
what’s wrong with living a life
pretending
all of humanity
is actually
kind?
[can “fake it till you make it”
apply to expectations
of others?]
waking moments
still stuck in dreams
trying to keep track of
what is reality
and what might not be
and what makes sense to me
is that there is not any one solid answer
it’s all just chemical reactions and brain synapses
trying to make sense of a world that just
doesn’t
write what you know
and then write it a little farther away
using metaphor
or simile
or narrative tactics
that make it seem
like it may not be about your life
at least not completely
but we all know
we all know
every writer carries hundreds
if not thousands
if not millions or billions or trillions of
selves
with them at all times
[or is that just every human
as we live and grow and change and morph
into each of our
many
many
many
final forms]
kipventures 