i spend so much of my time
and mental energy
avoiding doing anything expected
anything cliché
anything too human-made
which is so incredibly silly
because i, myself, am human-made
i spend so much of my time
and mental energy
avoiding doing anything expected
anything cliché
anything too human-made
which is so incredibly silly
because i, myself, am human-made
i still have a tendency to downplay things i’m excited about
to not get fully
actually
excited about them
because what if something happens
and i’m no longer able to do the thing
i was so damn
excited about?
the roller coaster of emotions
from so stoked
to so damn devastated
is one i’ve experienced
more times than i’d care to have experienced
it is an emotional roller coaster
that i do not
want to ride
ever again
but
isn’t part of living
experiencing emotions?
the good and bad and devastating
the excitement and disappointment
and even boredom
are all part of the human experience
and isn’t that all i’ve ever longed for:
an experience and an understanding
of being
human?
avoiding things
and having them be
easy
doing things right way
and seeing they are
hard
how long till it balances out?
how long till everything is even-keeled?
how long till i actually understand myself and humanity in general?
[i think i may be out of luck in that respect…]
distract yourself with crimson glaze
with pink chiffon
with aesthetics and
art
[is art a distraction?
or is it a human need?]
[or is distraction itself
sometimes
a need?]
[i don’t know
i don’t know
i try to speak for
the entirety of the human race
but so few of them make any sense
to my own senses
that i’m simply trying to
live life
i’m simply trying to
continue to
want to live life
keep life
going
i’m simply trying to
try
sometimes
not even all the time
just
sometimes
sometimes sometimes
sometimes be my own human self
sometimes try to speak for
those in the human race that today’s humanity
seems to leave behind
sometimes try to
connect with others
in a way that
raises both parties up
from one level of existence
to another
greater
kinder
more enlightened
not to be better than others
but to carry everyone
with us — if i share enlightenment with three people
and each of them share with
three more
how long until we have all of humanity
together
and looking out for
each other?]
this rambling poem
is to say
as much as i feel like i
will never understand the
rest of the human race, i keep making art
for them for them for them
for the connection to get to know them
and have them know me
i can’t help it
that’s part of living as/with
humanity
write what you know
and then write it a little farther away
using metaphor
or simile
or narrative tactics
that make it seem
like it may not be about your life
at least not completely
but we all know
we all know
every writer carries hundreds
if not thousands
if not millions or billions or trillions of
selves
with them at all times
[or is that just every human
as we live and grow and change and morph
into each of our
many
many
many
final forms]
creation mixes magic
with science
and i think you’ll find
we’re all adept
at both
[if we just believe]
how do i tell
tomorrow’s me
to just go for something
without shaming
yesterday’s me
for not?
[how?]
[how?]
[how?]
create
creativity
or you’ll die from
lacking
a human need
maybe
someday
i’ll feel like
a human
i still feel like i’m trapped in my house
not allowed to go out
not suitable for other human’s consumption
and i want to need to wait
a bit
longer to be permitted to rejoin the human race
~~~
unknown what to write
what to even think about
when my morning has been going
a certain way for a week, and now goes
a completely
different route
[i hate that i need consistency]
~~~
puppeteering
and back to singing
and in a show again
and pride-month dancing
and still i have no idea
if i even want to be perceived
in front of an audience
at this stage in my life
or not