History

February 5, 2026

/ HJ / Leave a comment

perhaps we’re living on the edge

perhaps the space age is actually coming
and the future will be so much brighter
than this tragic darkness we’re currently enduring
and our art will be the stuff of legends
of how we got out from under
fascist strong arms
and authoritarian ties
and everything will turn out
alright
in the end

i’m hopeful
but not expectful
because i know how these “governments” work
and we are facing a long
long
long
long
long trek ahead
[even a flashy fast apocalypse
would be welcomed more
than this slow descending trend
towards the end]

but as much as i see each moment
as if it’ll be viewed in history
i do not have the foresight of the future
i cannot know exactly what direction we’re taking
until it’s already been
taken

so i’ll simply say this:

continue fighting
whether the end is in sight
or not — perhaps your words will inspire
the next artist
to write

and on and on we inspire
and write
and fight

until the light actually
comes blazing
through.

June 23, 2025

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fascinating
to be so devoted
to encouraging folks
to join the circus

because, for me, circus means
a place where our human bodies
are the art — they become the
strength and ability we never thought we’d have
the magic of human feats
and humanity
is how i see
the circus

but i know

that’s aerial circus

modern cirque, if you will

traditional circus
[though i do love the music and the costumes and the vibe]
has a horrible history
of exploiting animals
[and people, honestly]
in troubling conditions
[to say the least]
and the word “circus”
to an elephant
may be
complete
and utter
trauma

April 2, 2025

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living in this year
when we all feel so hopeless
and helpless
against everything

and feeling like we’re running out of time
on the clock
to escape a fascist dictatorship —
did the jews who escaped
ever feel guilty for not staying
and fighting
the nazis in germany?

what privilege can be leveraged
when everyone is under
someone else’s
boot?

November 6, 2024

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what a fucking stupid country
i’ll be eloquent tomorrow
today i just need to scream

~~~

that’s not true,
i’ll write today
because i’m too numb to just walk around —

my strength comes from feeling
but i can’t feel anything but frustration
for so many people who would vote against
their own self-interests
against their own inalienable rights
[i guess they’re kind of alienable now, right?]

i keep staring off into space
and getting lost in my own
worst-case scenarios
which all come back to the conclusion
“i simply don’t wish to be in this timeline”
which is especially strong, stemming from
“i’ve already live through this once — i thought we had learned.”

there’s a quote
in the miniseries Stakes
that’s part of the animated tv show Adventure Time
and it goes something like this:

[pause for me to find the complete quote, because i will]

the Vampire King asks Marceline:
“What’s the one thing you’ve noticed about the world since you beat me all those hundreds of years ago?”

to which Marceline replies:
“Everything repeats over and over again. No one learns anything because no one lives long enough to see the pattern, i guess.”

“But you’ve lived long enough.”
the Vampire King replies

and i kind of feel like i
have lived a thousand years
and seen the cycles and patterns repeating
over and over and over again
and am the only one who has learned
anything

[i guess it’s true what they say about studying history: you may not be doomed to repeat it, but you’ll be so frustrated as you watch everyone else repeat it that you lose all respect for humanity as a whole]

[i may be paraphrasing/adding to that, but the sentiment still stands]

~~~

i’m sickened
i’m scared
and i’m not even that frightened for myself — we’re in an overwhelmingly blue city
in the midst of a fairly solidly blue state
[and if New York were to secede, we’d be pretty
self-sufficient immediately]
i’m worried for all the folks who will be hurt
physically
emotionally
psychologically
from this egomaniacal walking talking cheeto
whose only desire
is to stay out of jail
and make himself more money
and the cult of hatred that follows him.

i wish i could believe in humanity
again/
ever

May 21, 2024

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accidentally realizing
[through morning page poetry]
that i’ve tried to package my life
my feelings
my emotions
my experience
my existence
into a narrative structure
with themes and things
all tied up in a nice bow of a simple story
for other people’s consumption
just to yell at myself
that my life is mine to experience, no one else’s;

whether or not i’m enjoying my life, no one else
should get to consume it until i’m
actually gone.

i don’t need to make myself digestible
especially when i’m not even in a
‘public eye’ of any kind right now

why
did i/do i
do this to myself?

[i just want to experience something
without worrying what others will
think, looking back, as if i’m some
kind of historical figure — is that
too much to ask of my own psyche???]

June 19, 2023

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Juneteenth
another day presented
as a celebration
for the rest/
of all of us/
to be free

but was that really what it was meant to be?

it was rebellious states’
slaves
sent on their merry way
(still sans any mule
much less forty whole acres
of stolen land)

but what about border states/
other divided propriety/
when did they
let go
of their ‘human property’

the amendment
that’s the one
that’s the final
say it and done

nope

you know better

you know slavery just got a different name

they called it “policing”

they call it “prison labor”

it’s there in black and white
in the language of the amendment itself
no abolition of slavery
could be 100% savory
in this united states of indecency
and stolen everything/everybody/every body

so let’s observe Juneteenth
not as a day of everyone’s celebration
(no matter what that one banner in that once city implies)
but as our day of learning
repairing
and not
not
not
repeating
the mistakes
of our
[not so far back]
past
ancestors.

June 19, 2022

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Juneteenth
a word i had never heard
until the summer before my
senior year in high school
when i started hanging around
Oberlin, Ohio

Juneteenth
a day i didn’t know the history of
until i had the information coming at me
from multiple sources
(my own research/
podcasts about history/
friends who loved educating)
well into my second attempt at college

Juneteenth
a celebration i don’t think i fully understood
until living in New York
through the surge of Black Lives Matter
marches
/
protests
in 2020

Juneteenth
this year
we’re hosting a small gathering of friends
and we are excited to be the ones
doing the work
hosting
cooking
serving
celebrating
because if the United States isn’t going to put on its
Big-Government-Pants
and hand out reparations owed,
we might as well start
one family at a time.

July 4, 2021

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perhaps it’s just the folks i know up there,
but nearly everyone i know in Canada
has passed on their normal July 1 celebrations
to contemplate the bodies of indigenous children
that continue to be unearthed.

and i feel guilty that i’m not surprised.
and i feel ashamed that my country probably has ten times as much blood on its soul
(at least)
and i feel embarrassed that there is no national day of reckoning here,
no setting aside celebrations
for the purpose of confronting our relationship with the
problematic,
hardly taught,
secret history of our nation.

last year i confronted July 4th,
i marched and chanted and sat and listened
in a crowd gathered;
white folks there to learn,
Black and Brown folks there to share and celebrate.
i stared squarely into the face of what it means to be
born
on stolen ground.
i looked down at my feet,
where i expected to see myself standing on only my own accomplishments,
and finally saw the backs of Black folks i’d unintentionally climbed over,
that my ancestors had climbed over,
had climbed onto
had used (knowing or not) as a step up for themselves.

and i saw the blood on all our hands.

i watched native dances from the tribes of lands we live on now,
and i heard words from folks who chose this country over their homeland,
in spite of what it meant for their skin,
but because of what it meant for their queerness,
(though that story is also so very complicated)
and last year the only fireworks were from everyday people in the neighborhood
just letting off a little steam,
no city or state or nation led celebration,
instead individually making the ‘holiday’ what everyone wanted.
what everyone needed.

what do i do this year?

there should have been ten times as many people confronting July 4th last year,
there should be ten times more doing the internal work this year,
but i can only worry about myself and what i do.

so i’ll do my work.
i’ll continue to do my work.
though i know there’s no end in sight;
that’s what it means to be a citizen here.

June 28

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our walking tour of the historic sites of stonewall and gay Greenwich Village
was postponed, likely to be canceled, without notice
for a Lady Gaga concert scheduled to begin
in seven and a half hours

and if that isn’t the perfect metaphor
for the commercialization and lost history
of Pride

i don’t know what is.