i keep having ideas for poems
and then leaning away from them
i think i’d like to hibernate
until spring comes
but what if spring
and summer
and early fall
all continue like this—
terrible news
no end to covid in sight
[though people try as they might
to ignore all the facts and findings]
death
and destruction
and feeling hopeless and helpless to stop it
unrelenting
unrelenting
i feel like i need a hibernation
until my next
life
it’s about to be
That Time:
February.
in a non-leap-year,
February and March
have the same date attached
to the same day of the week,
and this messes me
the fuck
up.
i’ve missed more appointments
than i care to admit
scheduling them for February
when i thought i’d scheduled them for March,
and more than a few
shown up too early
seeing the day and the date come up
in the second month of the year
just to have them actually be
in the third.
i know ‘reading the date more carefully’
is a way around this,
but sometimes my eyes see
exactly what they want to see
instead of what is
(and especially within this
year three
of a global porcupine ,
where concentration is lacking
in most of us
due to collective trauma
observed
[directly or indirectly]
day in
and day out
and day in
and day out
and my only saving grace
last year
was that nothing needed to be scheduled
during these months;
resurgences,
and my own clumsy injuries,
and the cold outside,
and my own seasonal depression…
i hid through most of the winter,
hibernated the initial instance of
‘Tuesday the first’
away)
but
i’m trying to be more proactive
more energized
more engaged
this year
so i’ll read
and re-read
and re-re-re-read
and have my spouse check
the dates of things
(or just not schedule anything
non-consistent
at all)
(i mean, hey,
there’s a reason i scheduled my booster
for today,
the last day in January,
a date i won’t even see
for another
fifty-nine
days)
and maybe
just maybe
this therapy
of breathing
and taking my time
and forgiving myself
my past errors
is [could be] helping?
and there’s an ache
for slowing down
this time of year
not really a desire
but a halting
a sudden, unexplainable
working through molasses
everything seems to take twice the energy
and i have less than half of my usual
every winter i feel this way
the expectation to go into hibernation
and the feeling/knowing i won’t/can’t
(and yet, there’s a feeling of growing
of expanding
of changing
of being
but
i’ve felt that so much
how long have i spent inside this chrysalis
and how long do i have to decide
to come out
or stay
and if i stay
will i just
always
and forever
be
goo?)
the wintertime
arrival
puts me in a mood of
hibernation
and i know so much can be done
in the colder months
but
i get so
quietly
sad
that it feels disingenuous to commit to anything
no class
no meetings
no future plans
no trips
none
but i know
it’s better for my
mental health
to continue
as if
the changing seasons didn’t immediately crush my soul,
but my joy
is often found
running around outside
(especially at night
when the rays of the sun
cannot find my shockingly pale skin)
but the nighttime now
is the coldest there is
and the daytime
offers only shreds of warmth
in the very sun i tried all summer to avoid
and it all just feels like
too much planning
and i’m better off
hiding
away from the sun
and cold
and snow
and “jolly” holiday times
(which hold in them more trauma than simple physical discomfort)
in a cozy home
with a cat on my lap
and a dog on the couch
and no to-do list on my screen
and simply imagine that i will get all my wishes and goals and hopes and dreams
accomplished
next year
(when it’s warm again…)
to wake up
the next day
and the next day
and the next day
forever feels like
[exhaustion]
but some people see it as
opportunity
and i’d love to be one of those people
[maybe one day?]
~~~
cold air
makes me feel
so forlorn
even in the springtime
when it should be a reminder of
where we just were
(though it’s barely the temperature we’re coming from)
it feels like
everything is dying again
and i’ll be placed in my
hibernation
for my own good
because otherwise
that hibernation
would beg to be
permanent.
~~~
to create
or not to create
[for the zine]
that
really isn’t a question at all.
when one has an endeavor
that one is excited about
that one wants to be
at least close to great
one will do it
and do it
proudly.
kipventures 